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Travel Network, in this repeat-packed season of the year, is running an episode of Bourdain’s No Reservations in which he invites an unsuspecting Midwesterner to not my favorite city on earth. (I’m pretty sure it was his only way of getting a reservation at Bouchon.) FYI.
I’ve repeatedly invited him and his crew to Cleveland, preferably in one of our colder, grimmer months, when the wind whips off the lakes and the smoke from the steel mill stacks is identical to the sky. You know where he is now? Tahiti. You leave the kitchen, you get soft. It’s a law of nature. Come to Cleveland, Mr. Soft Palms. We gotch ya cultcha right heah, pal.
I think he should invite you along to one of the warm climate locations.
He can’t seem to write enough about how you and he were in Las Vegas together….apparently he has a crush on you
truly the scariest thought of the day, shannon.
LOL. I’m in the middle of reading “The Reach of a Chef” and when I saw you mentioned Bourdain, I thought “these guys can’t get enough of each other”.
Seriously though, I saw the Vegas episode on the FN and I think you guys should team up to do a show. You both have good chemistry.
Whoops…meant Travel Channel.
Bourdain may be a lot of things, but stupid ain’t one of ‘em. I’d be in Tahiti, too, in his shoes.
ok, so i’m pissed on many levels.
LOL I wasn’t casting aspersions on your intelligence. One generally, of course, spends the holiday season at home with family and loved ones, stuffing oneself on tradition until it bleeds out one’s ears. But, if for some reason, one is able to choose one’s destination for the holidays, and one has the wherewithal to go just about anywhere, then Tahiti is as good a place as any, and better than many, right?
Maybe that’s Bourdain in the Corona holiday commercial with the decorated palm tree?
Bourdain’s been dissing Cleveland long enough. I’d love to see a No Reservations focusing on the region, with you as his intrepid guide. Now that would be good television!
In honor of the debauchery chronicled in the Vegas ep, allow me to share a frame from the show with a little added Hunter S. for laughs (I put it in as my URL for this comment).
Okay, Ruhlman. As you well know, I am taking you up on your challenge. There WILL be a Cleveland episode of NO RESERVATIONS. It WILL begin shooting almost immediately upon my return from Tahiti. And you will have the opportunity to show me that there are signs of life in Ohio–beyond cow-tipping and the World’s Largest Rubber Stamp.. Oh…and you are aware of the drag racing scene? Me in a rented Vette–and you in the ol’ wood panelled station wagon, public road? Loser has to eat three orders of Skyline 3-Way Cincinatti Chilli. No joke.
And the Chomsky-quoting fascist is coming along for a couple a days…so you are in DEEP shit, my friend. Can you spell S.L.A.U.G.H.T.E.R.F.E.S.T?
*rubs hands together with glee*
I wonder if he can get here before the Town Fryer closes. Fried everything would make a great meal. Maybe the Little Bar or Becky’s for burgers, Sterle’s Slovenian house for schnitzel and polka?
If you put Ruhlman in a minivan I guarantee he’d smoke you Bourdain.
This is going to be good, really good.
This is probably the first time I have ever had any desire to visit Cleveland.
Watching Ruhlman and Bourdain drag racing….
You guys should sell tickets.
I was just thinking it was time for another Bourdain-Ruhlman Rat Pack adventure (onscreen, that is) after I watched last night’s Las Vegas re-run. You two bring out the on-camera worst (which is the same as your best!) in each other, and I’m looking forward to the future collateral damage wreaked upon our TV screens. And, ordinarily, I’d think Ruhlman would have the upper hand on his home turf . . . but be careful, Michael: Bourdain will be rolling in, tan and rested from his winter sarong-wearing sojourn, AND he’ll have La Bellissima Donna in tow. Ma’donn’! I’ll be rooting for you, Michael, but watch your culo!
*makes popcorn, lays in a big supply of vodka* This is gonna be good.
I bet that Tony would be very surprised at the life that actually exists here in Ohio and the type of city Cleveland has become.(besides a joke when it comes to the Browns and oh, that baseball team.
) Not the Mistake by the Lake anymore! Sadly, that is what Toledo has become.If this happens, make us Ohioans proud Michael!
“Watching Ruhlman and Bourdain drag racing….”
Hell, I don’t care whether they race or not, I just want to see them in drag.
If Bourdain does decide to show up with his No Reservations crew in tow, I can almost guarantee that the episode will have narration with lines similar in tone to these:
“So it turns out Cleveland wasn’t so bad after all. And I thought it was gonna be bad, I mean really BAD”
“… that Ruhlman is one crazy cat”
” … Micheal Symon … ”
” … but the pierogi was good.”
” … yet, I still should have just stayed in Tahiti – where the tans were real.”
Michael, you need to take Bourdain to visit Justin Severino’s Italian family in Ashtabula. According to him, they’d ply you with lots of wine and food and get louder and louder and louder. And they’ve got fresh p-o-r-k, and the grandfather, the butcher.
Kevin, I like the way you think. I would pay cash money to see Ruhlman and Bourdain decked out like the touring production of “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.” Think they’d do it if drunk enough?
So when does Bourdain start a blog where we can hear him rant about the culturally devoid mid-section of this wonderful country?
enlighten me..who might be the Chomsky-quoting fascist? this event might even get this die hard New Yawker to visit!
and, oh yes, please in drag…of course Ruhlman will still be in Ralph Lauren mantailor, blazer and ’slacks’…a little mascara maybe?
Not too much makeup, though. That’s the mistake a lot of guys make – too much makeup, badly done. *G* And dude, nothing glittery.
Bourdain’s comments only make me want to have his illegitimate children even more.
…so, bourdain rises from his poolside lounge chair…we await your arrival, and your big mouth, and your challenge, old man. the only thing I truly fear, besides Skyline Chili, is the fascist….
So I was right – Bourdain you MIGHT be able to take down, but NOT his consort. Porco miseria! You need HELP, Michael and, since I cannot go up against a fellow paesana, the only thing I can recommend is you start lining up the local foodie paesani in Cleveland and wow i bourdainesi with food. I think you know better that no internal or external factors are going to slow La Belissima down for a second, and if I wasn’t an athesist, I’d be praying for you (!!) Depending on how much camera time LB gets (and I hope she gets a chunk), this could be a LOT more painful than the paintball bruises . . .
I’m laying in the Momofuku crispy pig tails (yes, back on the menu as of last week)and the Grey Goose, as we speak. That’s it, my good Ruhlman. You’re in the hands of the gods and (hopefully) ethical post-production editors . . .
Somehow, I think even the gods can’t save Ruhlman now.
Not unless Ruhlman hits hard and fast – and first – with the Skyline chili, and then overwhelms them with all the rest of the good Cleveland stuff. On the other hand, remember it was the Cleveland/Ruhlman “team” that beat the NY/Tony team in the paintball fight, and Ruhlman did manage to escape Las Vegas more or less intact, with all his cash (unlike some other people (!)) So I think Michael can be sufficietly wily and treacherous to fend off at least ONE of the Bourdain tag team on this occasion. One. Not two.
Someone light a candle or at least start taking bets – one or the other!
OK, back up the train for a minute. People WILLINGLY live in Cleveland? It has to be all the cough syrup and percocet.
not only willingly, skwat, but according to headhunters i’ve spoken with, once people get here, it’s all but impossible to get them to relocate. I recommend you have a look at my book House: A Memoir.
I quote from a not-too-long-ago local tabloid essay about Cleveland called “Strange Love”: “Our beaches ain’t golden. Our industry ain’t high-tech. Our sports teams can’t win. And every once in a while, we fuck something up and the whole Northeast goes black.”
It’s an eccentric city, my home, the hand I was dealt–to fold or to play has never been an issue.
Stand proud, Ruhlman! Think you could talk the No Res producers into using “Cleveland Rocks” in the episode?
You might want to think about stocking up on first-aid supplies and hangover remedies for this venture, though. I sense a determination in Bourdain to leave you a broken shell of a man.
At least you’ll be able to recover at home, rather than in some seedy hotel room.
Well, Claudia, Ruhlman does have the home field advantage, and no doubt there are scads of folks around town who’ve got his back for something like this – the honor of Cleveland is at stake!
Should we start a betting pool? I’ll hold the stakes. *G*
I was just reading about that Vegas adventure in The Nasty Bits. Hell, yes, do a Cleveland episode; I’d watch that with delight.
Estimated size of Cleveland’s Jewish population: 81,000
Estimated size of New York City’s Jewish population: 6,000,000
Sorry, ruhlman, but the demographics suggest we might not be terribly happy in Cleveland.
I’m wondering why the retention rate is so high.
“If you try to leave, we’ll kill you.”
the gold-plated, monkey-navigated rocket-sled you asked for in Lebanon is ready, Tony — just say the words
Contrary to what you saw ON camera, Ruhlman actually slunk out of Vegas just ahead of the police department’s Public Morals Division, down about six grand–which he lost at the slots in a GAS STATION, still spattered with paint from the match–which actually he lost (in fairness due entirely to being paired with the slow-moving Chris Collins), sick from one dollar shrimp cocktails and mile-high margaritas..and generally a whipped dog. He stuck zero point zero with a mini-bar and “in-room video” bill that would horrify any clinical psychologist, threw up into a potted plant in the lobby of the Wynn–and bowled over Celine Dion in his rush to flee, shattering her jaw and consequently depriving generations of fans what he refers to as her “awesome” talent. His picture now hangs in the security office of every casino and even the Double Down has banned him for life. Don’t be fooled people. Ruhlman is EVIL! You’ll notice that in his book about his house, he neglects to mention the chest feezer filled with body parts in his cellar.
Ruhlman, you’re a god for taking out Celine –
Well, maybe not evil, but OF COURSE Ruhlman is sick and twisted, Tony – why else would he be a friend of yours? And of course we’ve been totally taken in by his decent, honest, well-mannered and integrity-drenched, clean-cut Midwesterness all these years. I GOT it. But you only have your editors on Cook’s Tour and NR to blame for THAT. Maybe you should make this episode a pay-per-view one, and just let it air, live and unedited. That way, we’ll be able to see Ruhlman for the raging beast that he obviously is (!), as well as you resorting to your time-honored New Jersey sucker-punching . . . while La Bellisima sneaks up on him from behind and bites his head off faster than Ozzy Osbourne with a fresh bat. Eh! You think I don’t know how this is gonna go down? Wiliness, treachery, madness, despair and no prisoners taken. You WILL owe us an outtake show after this . . .
I think a Jello wrestling match between Ruhlman and Bourdain should be in the episode’s lineup….help them blow off some steam.
The citizens of Cleveland should have shitloads of Jello to donate.
I find it hard to believe that Ruhlman’s really that evil. If he was, he’d have done something about Rachael Ray by now and I wouldn’t have to see her ghoulish, Jokeresque countenance flashing its death grimace at me every time I meander down the cracker aisle.
On the other hand, maybe he’s just so very evil that he chooses to let her live, so as to torment the rest of us? In that case, I would advise laying off the Cleveland jokes pronto, as he’s obviously a master of menace.
Forget the body parts in the basement, look for the Eye of Sauron in the attic.
Shannon, I second the Jello wrestling idea. If there’s not enough Jello in Cleveland, I’ll have some shipped from here.
Bourdain,
“Don’t be fooled people. Ruhlman is EVIL! You’ll notice that in his book about his house, he neglects to mention the chest feezer filled with body parts in his cellar.”
O shure, as if youd eva mentioned the 2300 foot cole storg locka acrost the bridge in Elizbeth where you keep your long pigs Mr., ahem, Smith.
Luigi
Tony, just remember, if you’re going to Cleveland, bring a nice dress for the races and don’t forget the cough syrup and Percocet.
You might also want to hide a pair of bolt cutters somewhere on your person for when you find yourself chained up in Ruhlman’s basement, and he starts telling you, “It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”
Skawt, I have to say, I envision Ruhlman being more…sophisticated in his evil. “No, Mr. Bourdain, I expect you to die!”
Sorcha, while I admit that it would be amusing to see Ruhlman swaggering about like Auric Goldfinger, I don’t think he really can afford the rent on one of those massive arch villain lairs. Hell, the electricity bill alone just for the laser…
Mm, good point. Somehow, I don’t think he could do much damage with your garden variety laser pointer, even the ones that project amusing images like hearts and skulls.
Maybe he flicks it around, thinking that Tony, like a common housecat, will be fascinated by shiny objects and chase it around.
Only if it projects the image of a Heineken.
Evil? Me? I’m a choir boy by comparison. Admittedly, I’ve had a few unfortunate appearances on assorted police blotters (owing only to my healthy appetites and general joie de vivre), but I assure you I left Vegas with not a spot on my penny loafers or an errant hair on my blazer (the picture of me above was taken by Collins on the way to the airport out of there). It was Tony who was agog that you could gamble in gas stations. It was Tony who couldn’t believe you didn’t have to pay for your drinks at the blackjack table. His cards would show 17 and he’d turn to me, puzzled as Max the dog—I’d patiently suggest, “Dealer has a five, why don’t you stick on this one, old sport.” Sorry to disappoint, but in the land of sin, Bourdain was a rube.
So why these delusions of his? Celine broke the heel of her shoe in Caesar’s, I helped her up—that was it. Tony was bitterly disappointed that she didn’t recognize him, hadn’t even heard of him when I introduced the two. Can we blame the drugs? Perhaps. Lord knows what the effects of all those psychoactive cocktails he chows to fill the void. The man has no soul. And let’s face it. He’s bitter. He never really made it as a chef. Now he’s become what he feared—a Television Personality. He once said he’d rather write in “compulsive masturbator” on the occupation line of his passport application than TEEvee personality.
I try to be a friend through all this. But it can get tiresome. He’s bitter and angry, and has no soul, and so he is coming to Cleveland, I presume, not to say, “Gee, Cleveland’s not so bad after all,” but rather to demean and belittle us in his sorry attempts to validate the choices he’s made and to make his empty life seem whole.
Cleveland may help. It is after all, a land of integrity. You can’t lie to yourself here. That ought to be a change.
Just remember, Ruhlman, soon you’ll be face to face with Tony and I should imagine he’ll be wanting to take you to task for this particular bit of character assassination.
Can I watch?
LMAO at Celine not knowing who Bourdain was. I’ll bet she knows who Rachael Ray and Emeril are.
THAT is what he’s bitter about….that he isn’t included in Food Network clique.
Shannon, I’m not sure that’s something to be *bitter* about. *G*
er, no he should be downright gleeful that he is not part of that crowd.
Or so he might say. But deep down, he’s bitter about it.
I’m sorry to tell you, Michael, that despite what they claim, “Film Title” DOES, in fact, “Appear On Bill” (if the guy actually paying the bill presses hard enough. I notice, among the predictable German and “Amateur” titles, FIVE viewings of “Titanic” during your brief stay in Vegas.
Coincidence? I think not.
Oh hell this may be even better than Throwdown with Bobby Flay, then again, most anything is.
So, what DID Tony put down as his occupation on his passport application?
If Ruhlman’s paying for “amateur” movies in hotels, then I’m disappointed in him. There are whole websites where you can watch that kind of thing for free, with the added bonus of not having the hotel clerks snickering when you check out.
Shannon, I have to think that “bitter” is not the right word to describe Tony’s feelings on being excluded from the Food Network’s Legion of Dumb. “Relieved,” maybe. “Not giving a damn,” possibly. But not “bitter.”
That’s what he wants you to think to save face. Of course he’ll diss them so that he doesn’t look like such an outcast….he needs to keep up his bad boy persona amd make it look like he’s the rebel of the bunch…that’s where I’m coming from with this
Mm, I dunno. I have to stick with my theory, personally. But that’s just me. *G*
Oh, Michael,Tony does so have a soul (what kind, precisely, may be a matter of debate for some(!)) It’s not easy being required to be a full-time gonzo snarkmeister, when what you really want to do is to write truly beautiful, thoughtful and sensitive endpieces . . . like for the Malaysia episode. There is some CONFLICT, here, Michael, some darkness and self-doubt and . . . issues, fer Chrissake! And all YOU, Mr. Nice, Normal Well-Adjusted, Inherently Decent and Unfailingly Stable Guy can do is push your friend’s last button by telling him (again) he has no SOUL? Remember what happened last time you did that? You have set into motion, my friend, the conflagration that will consume you, Cleveland and Skyline Chili (or Chilli, as you wish . . . but not Chile). And create some great TV.
Oh, and are we going to need to start collecting NOW to put up bail for you two, or will the Travel Channel cover it?
I’d imagine the Travel Channel has bail bond insurance on Tony already. Ruhlman, though, might be on his own.
You gotta do something pretty bad to bet booted out of the Double Down in Vegas. Too many bacon martinis and shots of Ass Juice? ;0
Hmmmmm . . . and just HOW bad is bad enough to get booted out of the Double Down? That translates to roughly . . . how many shots and bacon martinis?
Michael, obviously a training program is called for here before ZeroPointZero lands . . . (!)
Maybe it wasn’t the alcohol itself so much as the behavior inspired by it? I mean, even Vegas hookers have their limits.
Frankly, I think it would be great if Bourdain takes you up on your offer to show him some Cleveland hospitality. My only fear, is what would you show him that’s truly and uniquely “Cleveland” in terms of food? (the drag racing is no big deal … provided you do it truly Cleveland-style, which means down on Independence Road in the Flats, late at night).
The West Side Market? No brainer. Plenty of nasty bits there for him to see, plus the brat stand is one of the best in the world. But what else? One of the wineries? Chef’s Garden out in Huron? I’m sure you’d like to take him to Lola or Lolita, or perhaps another one of the “hot” and trendy restaurants, but does that truly represent Cleveland? A good reference point is Scott Raab’s article in Esquire from July 2002, when he talks about eating in Cleveland … take his approach, and get Bourdain to a place like Sterle’s Slovenian Country Home (on friday or saturday night when there’s a polka band playing) or Slyman’s for an early lunch! Maybe one of the small Asian restaurants in the Chinatown area (like Superior Pho), or just a good tavern (Mitzi Jerman’s place is among Cleveland’s best … though it’s lost something now that she’s passed), perhaps one by the steel mill where the steelworkers come after their shifts to toss back a few.
So what would you show him, Michael? Places showcasing the best in new cuisine … or do you find the places that really scream out Cleveland’s blue-collar multiethnic heritage? I know the convention and visitors bureau would want you to limit his visit to the Warehouse District, Ohio City, Little Italy, and Tremont … but like it or not, this city is gritty and worn … not that it’s necessarily a bad thing; this is my home, I was born here, I’ve been a historian of the town for much of my adult life, and I appreciate the rough edges as much as the smooth ones.
I just hope he is true to his word (though again, this is Bourdain … what is his word worth?) and does come to Cleveland. I don’t know if we’ll provide him with much that’s exotic, but I think he’ll notice that Cleveland is mostly without pretension. Sure, he’ll make some jokes at our expense, but true Clevelander’s don’t give a rat’s ass about the jokes. You gotta be thick-skinned to live here, and besides, every city has faults and problems. After all, it could be worse; we could be living in Detroit or Buffalo.
Come ON, Cleveland! I believe Michael will do his city proud, with or without the benefit of a lot of bacon martinis. Speaking of which, never mind the Double Down in Vegas – how about the Double Down here in NYC, in the East Village (apparently, the real home of the bacon martini):
http://www.nypost.com/seven/11152006/entertainment/food/stir_crazy__food_brian_niemietz.htm
After Cleveland? Fresno! It seems like a natural progression.
Actually, somebody already conned/bribed/blackmailed Bourdain into coming to Fresno to speak in March.
I say, bring the camera crew and tour the amazing hole-in-the wall Mexican joints and Hmong restaurants. After 12-plus years in this town, I have recommendations.
Someone PAID Bourdain his speaker’s fee, you mean – and did you check for any ZeroPointZero cameras around?
(He did that very thing in New Zealand – got paid to schmooze, but brought the 0.0 crew to shoot an NR episode while he was there. Makes a lot of sense – a double or triple income stream!)
I chose to move to Cleveland from Atlanta and have never been happier. And I looked at the entire U.S. when I decided to relocate.
I live in Cleveland Heights, not too far from Ruhlman, and it has just about everything you could want, and most of it within walking distance. It’s bliss!
Why don’t you take him to St. Augustine’s Hunger center on Sunday morning? He can do a bit on how we’re the #1 poorest city in the country. See some cooks feeding those in need….