Guest Blogging: Bourdain

TOP CHEF: Observations and Comments  by Anthony Bourdain

I offer my completely unsolicited, unaffiliated opinions on some of the Top Chef contestants. I think the judging has been solid. And here’s why:

Elia:   A solid cook. Technically skilled, resourceful, yet conservative. She consistently made the "smartest" menu  choices when faced with a challenge–even when it cost her with the judges. Good qualities in a professional.  Her soup on the episode I judged, tasted very good–the best all-around dish (if boring). Falling back on a familiar flavor spectrum during the hideous Hawaii challenge doomed her. But the result looked appetizing. Chef material? Not just yet. Why not? Her insistence on making everything to order "a la minute" during the "Hollywood cocktail party" was a really bush league move. And the "I quit" business–same episode. (Leaving the line for emotional reasons–unforgivable in a professional kitchen). Everybody who’s ever done a volume passed hors d’oeuvre party knows from painful experience that you have to make compromises. (Half cook that shit in advance!)  Drunks want food fast. They want it hot. They want it NOW!

Mikey:  Easily the guy who I’d most like to hang out with. The contestant most like me. And a lifer line dog. Technical skills? Crude. Chef material? Not a leader. Not a decision maker. And WAY too friendly with everybody. No killer instinct. Let this guy run a kitchen and the food and booze would be running out the back door with his cooks–who he’d probably be drinking with. That said? I love this kid. There would have been a place for him in nearly every kitchen I ever ran. Probably the grill. (Don’t let this Manimal NEAR saute!!) I was delighted he made it as far as he did. And it’s a measure of Mikey’s general magnificence that all the other contestants loved the guy, would never talk smack about him behind his back, covered for him, helped him, carried him–and even defended him loudly to me–in the face of  laughably abominable, embarrassing McFunsters–level offerings from him that week. Note that no one EVER tried to throw Mikey under the bus. I want to adopt this guy. And I wish him well.

Betty: Forget about. Very limited skills–and it showed.

Cliff: VERY solid cook. And will definitely be a solid chef as well. He crossed the line Big Time with the Marcel incident and he knew it. He deserved to get canned, would have been canned–and surely sued–in any professional situation where he behaved similarly. Period. A moot point as he clearly had the least good  dish that episode anyway. He’ll learn. He’ll move on. He’ll succeed. No doubt. I agree with those who suggest that it would have been fair if EVERYBODY involved in the "full-Nelson incident" had been kicked off the show. The event reflected most poorly on Ilan. Who came off as an instigator–and a  weasel. It would have been appropriate for him to have stepped up and thrown himself on his sword when Cliff got canned. Wouldn’t (and shouldn’t) have saved Cliff–but it would have been the Right Thing to do. Instead, he behaved like a punk and let the black man take the fall. It was sickening to see him stand silently by while Cliff took the full freight. Notice that Cliff kept his mouth shut, blamed no one else, took his jolt like a man.

Alex:  Nice guy. And back in the minor leagues–where he should have stayed. He was in over his head from Day One. Two hours making a salad? And a lousy one at that? Bye bye. I see a successful future in catering.

Sam:  Probably the closest thing to Chef material this season–with the most chefly demeanor and attitude (generally speaking). Though not the strongest craftsman (though very close to it), he was the best all-around cook–generally smart, consistent, with good technical skills. He managed to stay on the fringes of the worst behaviors, generally showed the kind of low ego, low maintenance attitude a cook should have at this point in his career. He helped others, took responsibility for his actions, didn’t blame or explain when things went sour and consistently showed leadership qualities. Most likely to succeed–meaning he shall surely find the balance between leadership and culinary excellence in future. If you were going to invest in one contestant as a chef/business partner, Sam would be your guy.

And the finalists:

Marcel: Diagnosis:  Is there ANYTHING this guy doesn’t want to foam? So slavishly devoted to what Ferran Adria was doing TEN YEARS AGO it’s….scary and sad. This is a very talented kid–with enormous potential for culinary artistry and he’s got BIG balls. He consistently took more chances and was more creative than any one else on the show. His range of knowledge and techniques was wider than the rest. But he’s dangerously blind to the fact that much of his stuff was "over" years ago.  He has a superb eye for presentation. But his Chef potential? Presently zero. You have to get along with the people you work with–and I can’t imagine this guy "working with others" over time. He’s petty, vindictive, immature, a loudmouth, not a team player by any stretch of the imagination. And it’s all about Him. I can’t imagine him ever running a kitchen that actually makes its food cost percents–or appeals to the public–as Marcel would likely be too busy celebrating his own perceived brilliance on the plate. He deserves to be in the final two. If he can ever pull back his food to what TASTES good FIRST–and pull his head out of his ass, there’s hope. Otherwise? He’s got a future as food blogger. Suggested Treatment: Put Marcel in a three star Michelin kitchen where he actually works on a day-to-day basis with someone like Robuchon (not in an outpost), or Gordon Ramsay. He needs a great chef–who he respects–to smash his ego and break down any delusions of grandeur–day by day, every day, dismantling his personality until he learns how to FEED people food that gives them pleasure. Being a great chef is about first knowing what gives people pleasure. And caring about that. (Like Thomas Keller, for instance.)  Marcel strikes me as the sort of knucklehead/creative "genius" who insists on "educating the public" instead of finding new ways to please and delight and surprise them. There’s nothing pleasing or surprising about foam anymore. He’s NOT Ferran Adria. He’s NOT Grant Achatz. He’s NOT Wylie Dufresne. Nor is he anywhere in their league. Adria’s cooking is (underneath the novelty) soulful. And that’s what’s missing from Marcel’s food. His tormentors were right about one thing: he needs to get laid. And the Astro-Boy haircut is a liability in the kitchen–where co-workers and subordinates will identify him as a fucktard from Day One. Any cook who spends that much time on their hair is going to have a hard row to hoe. And any chef will sporting a Wolverine-Do will be the object of behind their back derision and mockery. Marcel has a LOT of growing up to do. A chef needs respect. A chef must be able to delegate. A chef needs to run a kitchen that actually turns a profit. I can’t see Marcel doing any of those things.

Ilan:
Though a very strong cook, I was surprised to see him get this far. And at this point, I suspect, he’ll go all the way. I would have guessed Sam for Most Likely To Win–but maybe, in the wake of last season’s Harold win, Sam suffered from fear of charges of Too Much Hunkitude. Okay: So Ilan cribs his offerings shamelessly from Andy Nusser. And he’s a manipulative, conspiratorial, vindictive, weasely little shit….(Hardly impediments to a career as a chef). These are classic assets. If Ilan has a fatal flaw, it’s that he let Marcel get up his nose so easily and predictably. And that when he (again and again) conspired to sabotage or screw over his enemy–either directly or through surrogates, he was both obviously behind it–his fingerprints all over the place, and worse–FAR worse–unsuccessful!  That his food was derivative is no dishonor. Smart chefs must first know what their strengths and weaknesses are. And who to steal from. He did both well. He DID manage to get others to do his dirty work (if ineptly). Also a useful skill. If not the most admirable of young men–it is certainly well within reason to imagine him as a successful chef who serves good food at a profit.