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By Anthony Bourdain
I actually WATCH Food Network now and again, more often than not drawn in by the progressive horrors on screen. I find myself riveted by its awfulness, like watching a multi-car accident in slow motion. Mesmerized at the ascent of the Ready-Made bobblehead personalities, and the not-so-subtle shunting aside of the Old School chefs, I find myself de-constructing the not-terrible shows, imagining behind the scenes struggles and frustrations, and obsessing unhealthily on the Truly Awful ones. Screaming out loud at Sandra Lee in disbelief as she massacres another dish, then sits grinning, her face stretched into a terrifying rictus of faux cheer for the final triumphant presentation. I mourn for Mario..and Alton…Bobby and yes–even Emeril, nobly holding the fort while the TV empire he helped build crumbles like undercooked Bundt cake into a goo of Cheez Wiz around him.
Some thoughts on the Newer, Younger, More Male-Oriented, More Dumb-Ass Food Network:
ALTON BROWN: How did Alton slip inside the wire–and stay there all these years? He must have something on them. He’s smart. You actually learn something from his commentary. And I’ll admit it: I watch and enjoy Iron Chef America-in all its cheesy glory. Absolutely SHOCKED and thrilled when guys like Homaru Cantu show up as contestants–and delighted when Mario wins–again and again, forestalling his secretly long-planned execution. His commentary is mostly good. And that collar-bone snapping fall off the motorcycle on Feasting On Asphalt? Good television!
EMERIL: I’m actually grateful when I channel surf across his show. He’s STILL there–the original Behemoth. And I STILL find him unwatchable. As much mileage as I’ve gotten over the years, making fun of Emeril; he deserves a lot more respect than I’ve given him. He does run a very successful and very decent restaurant group. He is–in fact–a really nice guy. And-as much as I hate the show– compared to the current crop of culinary non-entities, he looks like Escoffier. He will probably be the last of the Real Chefs. I’m sure they’re growing future replacement options in petrie dishes somewhere, conducting Top Secret focus groups at suburban malls with their latest Bright Young Hopeful. I’m just glad he’s still there–a rebuke to the geniuses who brought us such Great Ideas as Dweezil and Lisa.
BOBBY FLAY: They seem to have noticed Bobby’s strong “negatives” among some viewer responses during focus groups–and decided to respond by subjecting poor Bobby to THROWDOWN; the object of which is to allow every web-fingered geek with a backyard grill–or half-mad muffin maker to proclaim, “I beat Bobby Flay at makin’ barbeque!” at the heart-warming end of show–before returning to tend their meth labs.. I watched poor Bobby battle to a draw recently in some bogus Southwestern “Chili Face-Off.” Now…does ANYONE actually believe that Bobby Flay can’t make a better chili than a supermarket ground beef bearing amateur? I don’t. It’s a cruel exercise in humiliation. A variation on “Dunk Bozo” or “Shoot The Geek,” at the carnival. And whatever I might have thought of Flay’s previous TV efforts, I find the network’s misuse of one of their founding chefs to be nauseatingly cynical. The conspiratorial-minded might be tempted to suspect this as yet another part of the Secret Plan to rid themselves of the annoyingly big ticket chefs–by driving Bobby to quit–or insane with misery. He may not be Mr. Cuddlesworth, but he’s a successful businessman and a good chef–and he doesn’t, after all, need this shit.
MARIO!
Oh, Mario! Oh great one! They shut down Molto Mario–only the smartest and best of the stand-up cooking shows. Is there any more egregiously under-used, criminally mishandled, dismissively treated chef on television? Relegated to the circus of Iron Chef America, where–like a great, toothless lion, fouling his cage, he hangs on–and on–a major draw (and often the only reason to watch the show). How I would like to see him unchained, free to make the television shows he’s capable of, the Real Mario–in all his Rabelasian brilliance. How I would love to hear the snapping bones of his cruel FN ringmasters, crunching between his mighty jaws! Let us see the cloven hooves beneath those cheery clogs! Let Mario be Mario!
THAT ACE OF CAKES GUY: Hey…He’s got talent! And..he seems to be a trained chef! And he’s really making food–and selling it in a real business! I think…I like it! If I have one reservation, it’s that I have no idea if the stuff actually TASTES good. It LOOKS really creative and quirky–and I’m interested but…I mean…it’s like construction going on over there from what we’re told and shown. One suspects that the producers don’t want to waste valuable time talking about anything so technical as food–on “Food” Network. I mean…what’s in those cakes, beneath the icing and marzipan and fondant? That said, it’s the only “kicky, new, cutting edge, in-your-face” hopeful they’ve managed to trot out of any quality in memory. Hope it lasts. Wait till they try and put the poor bastard on a pony–or do a “Tailgate Special” with the usual suspects. Or a “Thanksgiving Special” where he has to sit down with the bobbleheads and pretend to like it. On balance, it’s still probably the best new project they’ve come up with in a long, long time.
GIADA: What’s going on here!? Giada can actually cook! She was robbed in her bout versus Rachael Ray on ICA. ROBBED! And Food Net seems more interested in her enormous head (big head equals big ratings. Really!) and her cleavage–than the fact that she’s likeable, knows what she’s doing in an Italian kitchen–and makes food you’d actually want to eat. The new high concept Weekend Getaway show is a horrible, tired re-cap of the cheap-ass “Best Of” and “40 Dollar a Day” formula. Send host to empty restaurant. Watch them make crappy food for her. Have her take a few lonely, awkward stabs at the plate, then feign enjoyment with appropriately orgasmic eye-closing and moaning..Before spitting it out and rushing to the trailer. Send her to Italy and let her cook. She’s good at it.
RACHAEL: Complain all you want. It’s like railing against the pounding surf. She only grows stronger and more powerful. Her ear-shattering tones louder and louder. We KNOW she can’t cook. She shrewdly tells us so. So…what is she selling us? Really? She’s selling us satisfaction, the smug reassurance that mediocrity is quite enough. She’s a friendly, familiar face who appears regularly on our screens to tell us that “Even your dumb, lazy ass can cook this!” Wallowing in your own crapulence on your Cheeto-littered couch you watch her and think, “Hell…I could do that. I ain’t gonna…but I could–if I wanted! Now where’s my damn jug a Diet Pepsi?” Where the saintly Julia Child sought to raise expectations, to enlighten us, make us better–teach us–and in fact, did, Rachael uses her strange and terrible powers to narcotize her public with her hypnotic mantra of Yummo and Evoo and Sammys. “You’re doing just fine. You don’t even have to chop an onion–you can buy it already chopped. Aspire to nothing…Just sit there. Have another Triscuit…Sleep….sleep….”
PAULA DEEN: I’m reluctant to bash what seems to be a nice old lady. Even if her supporting cast is beginning to look like the Hills Have Eyes–and her food a True Buffet of Horrors. A recent Hawaii show was indistinguishable from an early John Waters film. And the food on a par with the last scene of Pink Flamingos. But I’d like to see her mad. Like her look-alike, Divine in the classic, “Female Trouble.“ Paula Deen on a Baltimore Killing Spree would be something to see. Let her get Rachael in a headlock–and it’s all over.
SANDRA LEE: Pure evil. This frightening Hell Spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time. She Must Be Stopped. Her death-dealing can-opening ways will cut a swath of destruction through the world if not contained. I would likely be arrested if I suggested on television that any children watching should promptly go to a wooded area with a gun and harm themselves. What’s the difference between that and Sandra suggesting we fill our mouths with Ritz Crackers, jam a can of Cheez Wiz in after and press hard? None that I can see. This is simply irresponsible programming. Its only possible use might be as a psychological warfare strategy against the resurgent Taliban–or dangerous insurgent groups. A large-racked blonde repeatedly urging Afghans and angry Iraqis to stuff themseles with fatty, processed American foods might be just the weapon we need to win the war on terror.
AND FINALLY: Some IRON CHEF AMERICA match-ups I’d REALLY like to see:
- Mario Batali (with one arm tied behind his back–and drunk) vs. Regina Schrambling
- Michael Ruhlman, swacked on Ripple, vs. John Mariani– in a Charcuterie Challenge
- Grant Achatz vs. That Guy In Australia Who Ripped off his recipes as his own
- Marco Pierre White vs. Gordon Ramsay
- Charlie Trotter vs. Martin Picard (Chicken Livers vs. Foie Gras)
- Chris Cosentino, Fergus Henderson, Martin Picard vs. Alain Passard, Roxanne Klein and Charlie Trotter (Cooked vs. Raw Challenge)
- Martha Stewart vs. Rachael Ray (bare knuckle cage match)
- Ducasse vs. Robuchon
- “Mikey” from Top Chef vs. Sandra Lee
Video Gold!
[blogger's update]
Damn dude. I don’t watch much tv, but I make a point to watch No Reservations & sometimes Rachael Ray. It should go without saying why I watch NR…dude, it’s a great show. I watch RR BECAUSE she’s cheesy & perhaps can’t cook, but what the fck does an academic like me know about food? She seems nice. I, for one, wish there were a few more nice people in the world. Come on Tony, ain’t ya got a place in your heart for the nice, yet cheesy, even if they’re cooking bad food? haha…I recall one Tony Bourdain totally cheesing out on me while in Indonesia, a country that took no mercy on the East Timorese – some might even call what the Indonesians did in East Timor GENOCIDE. There was some serious romanticizing going on there, no? Anyway, yeah, while I don’t deny its probable beauty, you completely cheesed out on us man…so maybe you could cut RR some slack?
Tony!!!!….the only show I TIVO is “ABNR”…so let’s see….Anthony Bourdain…the not so sublime, evil offspring of Julia Child and Hunter Thompson…ok, that WAS a stretch…but sometimes words don’t come easily to describe such a force of nature. Thanks for redeeming television…
This is that Travel Channel dude right?
The rail thin no-ass-in-his-pants “former” junkie, right?
He’s funny. He cooks? When?
Anthony Bourdain, you just won my heart…
who knew that all it would take was for someone to finally agree with me on the cesspool of evil that is Sandra Lee.
Ya know…I used to like Rachel, though of late she has begun to really get on my nerves. I suspect one can only take so much incessant babbling before it begins to grind on the nerves like finder nails on a blackboard.
Pretty much everyone I hang with feels the same way to varying degrees, though one lesbian friend, who has always found her annoying, still thinks she’s hot.
So which drug do you prefer while cooking? Coke, heroin, or LSD? Which turned you into such a raging jerk?
Say what you like about Sandra Lee . . but I would love to see an iron chef match between Giada and Sandra Lee . . . only condition is they are wrestling naked in top shelf olive oil! Say what you like about Sandra Lee but y’a.l know this would be fucking HOT!
You, my good sir, are my new personal hero. Who has every complaint and problem with the Food Network that I do.
Couple of classic definitions:
CHEF: One who runs the kitchen at a restaurant.
COOK: One who cooks at home, for family and friends. Sometimes used as a term for a subordinate in a restaurant kitchen, as in “line cook” or “prep cook.”
To even things up, here are some comments on the physical, as well as technical, attributes of the guys, starting with the Chub-ettes.
Mario: Too fat. Un-cute. Buy some pants! But he’s a nice guy, and can cook. Really cook.
Emeril: Why do the words “too fat” and “un-cute” keep popping into my head? Ditto on “nice guy.” Good taste in music. Don’t know if he can cook, as he puts meat in everything, and piles everything on top of everything else. Suspect he can, and, if you watch the Essence, that he really cares about food, and teaching you how to cook it.
Duff: Just like Mario: Ditto, ditto, and ditto. Do I need to keep telling these guys to buy some PANTS? Awesome cakes.
Guy: Ditto, ditto and maybe even ditto. I actually saw him cook something once, rather than just porking out, and it looked like he might actually know something. His voice is terminally annoying. Don’t want to see YOUR hairy, fat legs either!
Bobby: Doesn’t seem like a nice guy. Huge ego. Ditto, ditto. Maybe he can cook. Also a “pig pile” plater, which I don’t like. Buying into his own press and going for “entertainment” at the expense of cooking. I liked him better in the old days, when he tried to bully co-host Jacque Maloof, who gave as good as she got, and when he was actually cooking.
Tyler: Hey, even Tyler has to eat! And he’s eaten a bit too much lately. But I think the dude can cook. Close your mouth when you eat! ALL OF YOU!
Now for the skinny ones:
Michael: Cute, but TOO cutesy, suspect he’s married to a boy — which is OK by me — some of his food’s edible.
The Hearty Boys: ARE married to boys, and are a little too twee about it, but some of their stuff is edible if you’re having a party, which is all they do.
Alton: Cute, a bit annoying. Like the science, the humor, the wonderful experts, the cheesy special effects, and yes, he can cook.
Tony: You mean Tony can COOK? I only see him snarking around eating odd things and pretending to be a much badder-ass than he actually is. You need to work out, dude. Face facts: Paula’s barely old enough to be your older sister. If she’s an “old lady,” guess what that makes you?
Ming Tsai: I miss the man. REALLY cute, too. CAN cook. Huge ego. Earned it.
Jamie: Good guy. Can cook. Needs braces. Can afford them. Looking forward to his new show.
Martin, Julia, Sara, Jacques and Jacques, the 2 Fat Ladies, Graham, all sadly missed. REAL cooks AND, in some cases, chefs, too.
Now for the ladies:
Paula: Mama’s home cookin’, Southern style. Nothin’ wrong with that, y’all. She’s starting to buy her own press and exaggerate herself, to her detriment.
Rachel: Makes better food than most home cooks turn out nightly. She’s fallen for her own shtick and is also becoming a cartoon of herself. I think the boyfriend/fiance/husband took over and made her a Stepford cook: his own personal money machine. Buy some decent shirts, Rache. You can afford them. And don’t say it’s vegetarian when you put fish in it.
Ina: I wish she wouldn’t orgasm in the butter. Now Paula’s starting it. Edible, once a year. More often, and it’s the CCU.
Ellie: If she didn’t act like a “dietician” and “nutritionist” all the time, which completely eliminates all enjoyment from food, she’d make tasty, home-style food.
Joan: Home style family cooking, if your home is a Dickens orphanage. Mo’ porridge? Oh. That’s not porridge.
Giada: Looks too skinny to be an actual cook; seems afraid of the food, seems more like a gorgeous front person for an actual cook’s recipes. Now that she’s tasting, and seems to enjoy it, I suspect perhaps she can actually cook. Recipes edible. Buy some shirts.
Sandra: THE HORROR, THE HORROR! Annoying voice. The weird emphasis on odd words when she speaks (“AND then put THE canned chicken in THE pot”) Is that how people talk in Wisconsin? Cool Whip? Tablescapes? SAVE US! Suspect she is a tool for corporate processed food demons. Has she ever used a recipe that didn’t come off the back of a can? What she comes up with costs more and tastes worse than anything Rachel has ever presented. No wonder she drinks! Saw her on a group grope, with some folks who can actually cook. Bobby let her chop parsley, when they cooked together, and she almost managed it. I think the real cooks felt sorry for her, so maybe she has some redeeming value as a person in real life.
Cat: Can cook, really cook. Would like to see her do it more often. But her horrible drinks — well, Sandra’s handlers stole half her awful drink ideas from Cora.
The New Gal on the Block: “The Gourmet Next Door.” This woman is so skinny she eats maybe once a month. Again, she seems afraid of food and takes all the fun out of cooking, while spending all day at it.
Nigella: I’ve missed her so far. The teasers didn’t make her show sound like anything having to do with actual cooking, just watching a media babe (as opposed to an actual woman; hey, Sara’s slender, but she’s real, moreover, she’s a real chef who can actually cook) moan over quick shots of someone else’s recipes. So many people posting here like her, I’ll start looking for her.
Padme: Does she cook or just endorse things? She’s fairly bright, certainly enough to keep Salmon Rushdie hanging around for years, but then, he’s a guy. She glories in being a media babe. She’s what, Indian? Part Indian?
Ingrid: Haven’t caught her enough yet to know if I like her. Ingrid is apparently Hispanic. She’s an unknown quantity.
Have you noticed how lily-white the current line-up is? All Caucasians, with a nod to two well-tanned sub-groups. There have to be Black and Asian cooks and chefs who don’t just cook one kind of food of specialty/ethnic food, and who do it well, too.
So: I’d like to know. Where are THEY? Do only European-Americans cook? If you aren’t Caucasian, are you limited by some kind of international law to cooking in just one style?
Oh, no. Another rant in the making.
Yet another reason to stick to PBS. Except there’s “A Cook’s Tour” Marathon on tonight.
What about the “Frugal Gourmet” who was cancelled for being charged as a pedafile in Seattle. Give him another chance, buy his old used books, let him replace Sandra Lee.
I like Sandra lee!!
We live in a world that is pressed for time. Every moment of life is scheduled from the time the alarm clock goes off in the AM. And every American woman is just trying to get her job done. I think this is why Rachel and Sandra have gained so much popularity.
Granted I am no chef…but I do like to cook. But by every one bashing these women you’re just bashing every woman that’s just trying to get her job done. Because lets be serious here, when I get home from work I’m not going to start making a 7 course meal from scratch for my family. Sandra lee cooks the way most working women do, that’s why she has gained the popularity…not because she is skinny and has big boobs.
We can think of it this way; if people are watching then they are cooking and not just putting a TV dinner in the micro for their family.
I say hand up to these women!!
GIGI-you’re an idiot-Sandra lee uses processed food and no one expects “the american womean” to come home and make a 7 course meal.
EH….Learn how to spell…You’re the idiot!!!!!
I think the Frugal Gourmet died in the last year or two, so getting him back on television might be a tad difficult.
Thanks, Anthony, for finally lightening up on Emeril. It was seeing him on the Food Network that changed the way I cook in the kitchen. Eating at NOLA was a culinary highlight for me. And it was reading Kitchen Confidential that changed the way I eat in restaurants.
If I could surgically remove “yummo” and “EVOO” from our collective consciousness, I would do it in a heartbeat.
Dude – love you – love your blog…
Mario – can CLEARLY cook. GENIUS. Walmart crowd won’t buy unfortunately.
Emeril – followed Paul P. at Commander’s Palace. GENIUS. The John Madden of cooking… Hall of Famer who dumbs it down for the acceptance of the common man.
Flay… rough and tumble start for a pretty boy. GENIUS. Grad of the French Culinary Institute.
Alton Brown – New England Culinary Grad.- He blinded me with science. Good Eats is amazing.
Ming Tsai – A friend of mine went to Yale with him. GENIUS
Talentless pretty boys
—————————–
Jamie- just a pretty boy – See all above – can’t hold their jockstraps. No credibility. The Pam Anderson of cooking.
Tyler. Pretty boy – See all above – can’t hold their jockstraps. No credibility. another Pam Anderson of cooking.
The Girls
————-
Paula – can cook for me anytime – thanks!
Rachel – EVOO – Extra Valley-Girl Open-Mouthed Orgasm: No talent – not a chef.
Giada: I’m a 48 year old guy who loves the fact she cooks REAL food. Try her
braciole. Clearly NOT afraid of the food. She can cook – sorry cookie. afraid you are just jealous or her chops AND her looks!
Ron its spelled pedophile. Jeff Smith died in 2004 – surprisingly check his reviews on Amazon – he’s very relevant – I agree – Thanks!
While other people are overreacting to your entry, I would simply like to state that they are overreacting to your comments.
That, and I think you’re right. And I love you.
Signed,
A heterosexual male.
I hate Rachel Ray with a passion,( wellto be fair, since I don’t know her personally. It’s her online persona that I so depise.)so i’m usually the last person to defend her but… But one thing I want to say about the “the smug reassurance that mediocrity is quite enough.” comment is that while so many americans are fat and lazy and ARE content with mediocrity, I dont really believe that thats the angle Rachel/FOONET are pitching. To me it seems more like they are more working the moms who work full time jobs and come home and have a family to feed. Not everyone who cooks has time every night for a hour and a half cooking extravaganza. That does not mean that the aforementioned are “content with mediocrity” it means that they have a lot going on in their life and sometimes that taking the easy way out when cooking dinner, may just save them a trip to their therapist down the road :-p
But thats only considering that Rachels “30 Minute Meals” actually lived up to their name. You find me the average american John/Jane Doe who can actually make a single of those meals in less than 45 minutes. Perhaps if Rachel Ray ever learned to REALLY cook, she could make some recipes that actually only took 30 minutes. But then she would probably call the show “15 Minute Meals”
Would that some of the hosts watched and listened to their own
shows, and were persuaded by the annoyances in their
hand-talking ( Giada and Rachel ), and sing-song cadence
( Marc Summers), or ad nauseam redundancies (Emeril’s,
“What we are going to do” and Tyler Florence’s, “All right”) to
seek professional guidance in public speaking.
Paula Deen sounds like she has a tampon in her nose
Alton is a piece of work. I saw his appearance on Turner Movie
Classics. The guy is brilliant. He was as insightful about
film noir as he is about okra. His humor is often cornball. Well,
maybe IT’S always cornball – but he knows more about food
than anyone I have ever seen, right down to molecular
structure, and which direction to face chicken wings and
thighs in a pan, for maximum results. He seemingly talks
extemporaneously about details that most of us would
need cue cards to recite.
I detest hand- talkers. Giada and RR are the primary offenders.
Therefore I am worried about Obama.
Hey all you assholes. Anthony Bourdain is nothing more than a douchebag. He is jealous of the successes of those men and women who made it in a cutthroat business. Rachel Ray and Sandra Lee should keep their heads up, they have alot more going for them than Bourdain could ever hope to get. Those 2 women get the last laugh by not having to argue with a douchebag that makes less money than they do.
All you “foodies” need to shut the fuck up and just die of salmonella. Leave the busy woman alone and let the pros who understand them do their jobs. Bourdain doesn’t do anything but eat and bum around in life and absolve himself of any responsibilities. What can he possibly contribute besides a 5th rate show and patchy wrinkly flesh? He is disgusting and should be hung upside down and beaten with a rolling pin by the housewives of America who always try to get things done. Rachel Ray and Sandra Lee TRY, at least that. Does the douchebag Bourdain try? Nope. Just a punk bitch with no talent, no money, no skills, and no business giving a critique on people who do a hell of alot better than he does. YOU ARE A DOUCHEBAG BOURDAIN AND SO ARE YOUR LEGIONS OF BOURDAINITES WHO ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO FALSELY WORSHIP YOUR SMELLY FEET.
All these ladies who talk of wanting to bear Bourdain’s children? God…please strike these women dead before the world is populated with more douchebags like Bourdain. And please send a flash flood to every guy in here who thinks Mr. Douchebag represents the best of critiques on real chefs. No talent, no money, eats testicles and penises (and people here talk about Sandra Lee whoring around, hmph!) most likely his future when he becomes fired for a mediocre show. It makes for a funny vision of what tricks he’ll turn when nothing goes on in his life. The true reason he bums around the world? He is looking for a place that has enough back streets with cardboard hovels so that when he becomes homeless, he will know where to go with the last of his chump change. Mr Bourdain, I will say these comments many times over:
(This should be a mantra:)
YOU ARE NOT A REAL CHEF
YOU ARE NOT A REAL CHEF
YOU ARE NOT A REAL CHEF
YOU ARE NOT A REAL CHEF
(Now to go for the sting:)
YOU ARE DUMBED DOWN EVEN MORE THAN THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR A LIVING TO WHOM YOU INSINUATED THAT COMMENT TO ORIGINALLY
YOU ARE DUMBED DOWN EVEN MORE THAN THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR A LIVING TO WHOM YOU INSINUATED THAT COMMENT TO ORIGINALLY
YOU ARE DUMBED DOWN EVEN MORE THAN THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR A LIVING TO WHOM YOU INSINUATED THAT COMMENT TO ORIGINALLY
YOU ARE DUMBED DOWN EVEN MORE THAN THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR A LIVING TO WHOM YOU INSINUATED THAT COMMENT TO ORIGINALLY
(Now this one:)
YOU ARE A LOSER
YOU ARE A LOSER
YOU ARE A LOSER
YOU ARE A LOSER
(Try this too:)
MR. BOURDAIN HAS NO PURPOSE IN LIFE EXCEPT TO BE A PUNK BITCH WHO IS JEALOUS OF SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE WHO HAVE AMBITION TO MATCH THEIR ABILITY TO HOLD A REAL JOB
MR. BOURDAIN HAS NO PURPOSE IN LIFE EXCEPT TO BE A PUNK BITCH WHO IS JEALOUS OF SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE WHO HAVE AMBITION TO MATCH THEIR ABILITY TO HOLD A REAL JOB
MR. BOURDAIN HAS NO PURPOSE IN LIFE EXCEPT TO BE A PUNK BITCH WHO IS JEALOUS OF SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE WHO HAVE AMBITION TO MATCH THEIR ABILITY TO HOLD A REAL JOB
MR. BOURDAIN HAS NO PURPOSE IN LIFE EXCEPT TO BE A PUNK BITCH WHO IS JEALOUS FO SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE WHO HAVE AMBITION TO MATCH THEIR ABILITY TO HOLD A REAL JOB
(Serving you some of this too:)
YOU ABSOLVE YOURSELF OF RESPONSIBILITIES IN LIFE AND ON YOUR TELEVISION SHOW
YOU ABSOLVE YOURSELF OF RESPONSIBILITIES IN LIFE AND ON YOUR TELEVISION SHOW
YOU ABSOLVE YOURSELF OF RESPONSIBILITIES IN LIFE AND ON YOUR TELEVISION SHOW
YOU ABSOLVE YOURSELF OF RESPONSIBILITIES IN LIFE AND ON YOUR TELEVISION SHOW
(Right at ya bitches:)
YOUR FEMALE FANS ARE MORE IDIOTIC THAN SANDRA LEE AND MAKE RACHEL RAY LOOK LIKE A HARVARD GRADUATE
YOUR FEMALE FANS ARE MORE IDIOTIC THAN SANDRA LEE AND MAKE RACHEL RAY LOOK LIKE A HARVARD GRADUATE
YOUR FEMALE FANS ARE MORE IDIOTIC THAN SANDRA LEE AND MAKE RACHEL RAY LOOK LIKE A HARVARD GRADUATE
YOUR FEMALE FANS ARE MORE IDIOTIC THAN SANDRA LEE AND MAKE RACHEL RAY LOOK LIKE A HARVARD GRADUATE
(This one is for the men:)
YOU ARE A BIGGER LOOSER THAN MR. DOUCHEBAG AND NEED TO GET AN EDUCATION
YOU ARE A BIGGER LOOSER THAN MR. DOUCHEBAG AND NEED TO GET AN EDUCATION
YOU ARE A BIGGER LOOSER THAN MR. DOUCHEBAG AND NEED TO GET AN EDUCATION
YOU ARE A BIGGER LOOSER THAN MR. DOUCHEBAG AND NEED TO GET AN EDUCATION
(Mr. Douchebag again:)
GET A REAL JOB, YOUR SHOW SUCKS
DON’T FOOL YOURSELF, IT’S FAKE
GET A REAL JOB, YOUR SHOW SUCKS
DON’T FOOL YOURSELF, IT’S FAKE
GET A REAL JOB, YOUR SHOW SUCKS
DON’T FOOL YOURSELF, IT’S FAKE
GET A REAL JOB, YOU SHOW SUCKS
DON’T FOOL YOURSELF, IT’S FAKE
I hope you get fired, no I take that back. You should get fired! Rachel Ray and Sandra Lee will prosper forever. That’s right bitches, I SAID FOREVER!
WOW – somebody needs a drink! Relax, my friends, and just enjoy life. This kind of vitriole is nothing but a ticket to an early grave. Tony is just voicing his opinion – eloquently. Well worth emulating, methinks.
Drink eh? That’s what got Mr. Douchebag down and out in the first place. At least Sandra Lee knows when to drink and what the limits are. Mr. Douchebag still thinks it’s cool to down some vodka while the poor inhabitant of the house he invades slaves over the stove or exhaustes themselves gathering ingredients for the dishes that could feed a 3rd world family for a week. Maybe the only consolation of his dopey ass show is that it perpetuates the stereotype of a white man exploiting and consuming the resources of the 3rd world and it’s population. Nice direction moron! God you are such a douchebag!
getitdone- have you ever thought that maybe mr bourdain doesn’t need to be corporately successful in this life to be happy? maybe the experience of eating a penis in a locale where penis eating is the norm is enough to get him through the day?
and bobby, anthony bourdain is from jersey, not brooklyn.
i like paula, i am an ex new yawker (brooklyn baby) living in savannah, ga and her restaurant is really good. been there about 6 times (when out of towners come i take them) and you will leave there with a clogged artery i assure you. the waitresses there tell me how nice she is but i got a feeling she is really a deranged psycho bitch.
giada – as an italian american she pisses me off. yes i believe she can cook but you don’t pronounce spaghetti spighitti
mario- again i don’t like him because frankly he annoys me. but the best no reservations episode was when anthony was in jersey and him and mario meet and go to a real pasticceria (ahh the sfagliatelle and cannolis had me missing home) and they whack tony at the end. priceless!
emeril is a coke head, a good friend of mine worked in his restaurant in vegas. watch him and notice how many times he rubs his nose during his show, any show.
rachel ray is a crap cook, i can cook and i have *gasp* tried three of her recipes and they all came out tasting like ass.
alton brown is a science geek in chef’s whites, and i love him for it!
enough was said about sandra lee that anything i add will be redundant.
i love anthony, i love his cynicism and his uncanny wit.
i am now off to amazon to order kitchen confidential.
Hey Michelle, maybe the reason those recipes taste like ass is maybe because of you? Mr. Douchebag is a bum bar none. Eating a penis may be a norm in some locales but he degrades it by having it televised and acting like it is something to be discovered. Give the locals the credit instead shitwad!
Who puts a plant or was it a bunch of mint leaves in the middle of a bundt cake? Sandra Lee does. When I saw that episode I was shocked. Have you ever seen the way she walks, over to stuff, something very annoying about that. Probabably everything she does annoys me at some point because of her idiotic concoctions. Oh, and how about the tablescape made out of fake crystal and denim..most of her tablescapes are So tacky. I thought I was hallucinting at how irritating she was until I read all these comments. I only have her on to wait for the others to come on while Im cleaing. Geez!!! My faviorites are Bare Foot Contessa, Gaida, and all the boys, Rachel is not so bad.. .Paula Dean has some good Southern cooking tips all though I sit there wondering how she or any of her viewers could avoid cardiac arrest with all that heavy cream and butter. But I have respect for Ms.Dean. Sandra Lee..just needs queer eye for the cook to straighten her out.
Rachael Ray rules and you drool!!
Great commentary Bourdain–too bad it took me over a year to find it. And I still can’t believe that bitch Sandra Lee is still on. Whenever I turn on the TV and her show is on, I change it immediately–don’t want to accidentally give her ratings. I did catch the end of an episode at a friend’s house… the evil wannabe actually had a tent and camping equipment set up for her backyard bbq-crap, who would invest hundreds of bucks and hours of time for a get together with friends. Maybe if she spent that much time and money on her recipes, the shit would be edible.
ABo has become my str8 boy crush. I think he’s brilliant. I’m reading two of his books simultaneously right now as I work – in between tasks.
I pretty much like everyone on the FN, except for Rachael Ray, she’s gotten on my last effing nerve. I made her shitty Apricot Chicken and I couldn’t throw it away FAST enough…Guy Fieri is too strange and has a strange concept of fusion food – and I hate his spiky hair. However, his pepperoni lasagna looks interesting.
Sorry, but I like Sandra. I’ve used (and so has my family) several of her shortcuts. Okay, the Kwanzaa and Chaunakah cakes were pretty much hate crime cuisine, but she makes her Salisbury Steak pretty much the same way I make mine. I am not a fan of her tablescapes, however.
Anthony Bourdain is a pompas J…. A….!!! If Rachael Ray is a ‘bobblehead’, Bourdain is a ‘butthead’!! If Paula Deen is an ‘old lady’, I hate to think what they will call Bourdain when he’s in her age bracket, and, if Sandra Lee is ‘evil’, there’s no good phrase to describe Bourdain. What arrogance on his part to put labels on his fellow chefs. Maybe you graduated from college, ‘Beanpole’, but you certainly didn’t learn manners. You should go back to school for a major attitude adjustment!!
P.S. – I will be meticulously avoiding any show with Bourdain in it!
Frankly, I don’t know how anyone can watch foodtv anymore.
I think what most people here don’t get, is that they started broadcasting as a REAL cooking network in 1993-1994.
When they started, they had mostly chef/host people like Sara Moulton, David Rosengarten, Mario, Emeril…and yes, boobie flay with a real talent named Jack McDavid, who boobie made fun of (boobie cooked on a gas grill and Dave cooked over charcoal…it was called Chillin’ and Grillin’, BUT, they were real trained chefs. And they were quality for the most part were decent…except the 2 fat ladies, ready, set, cook.
NOW, all here is, are none chef, no talent foodtv clones…racheal retched raytard, scary aunt sandy, paula deen, etc., and a lot of other none cooking shows, designed to attract people no interesting in real cooking.
I use to watch foodtv hour after hour…now I can’t watch even ½ hour, it has become so f-ing awful.
To the idiot that dislikes Giada’s pronunciation of Italian words…SHE WAS BORN IN ITALY AND SPEAKS ITALIAN, DUMB ASS!
Thank God that PBS hasn’t changed.
Yeah Sandra is a hack and holdover from the Hamburger Helper America 70s and 80s. But Bourdain is an asshole to go off on SL. Evil? It’s EVIL to even SAY that. The woman was taking care of her siblings at freaking age ELEVEN when he was drugging it up trying to “find” his sorry miserable ass (anyone ever seen him smile?). There’s nothing like watching a life hater like Bourdain rip on someone who pulled herself up from the boot straps and only used minimal government assistance (and later got OFF of it as was originally intended unlike todays multiple generation government dependent degenerates). Yeah that’s right. You heard me. People like Bourdain who use(d) narcotics HATE life or are too big a pussy to DEAL with it with a BACKBONE HEAD ON like the people who freaking BUILT this nation.
That said, I agree that the FN has lost its original focus and now has become nothing but show & tell. WTF is Emeril, a chef or a CD hocking Jay Leno? That’s why I focus on Saturday PBS cooking shows where the REAL cooking happens. I called FN’s downward spiral back in 2004.
Anthony, you’re not HALF the man Sandra is as a WOMAN. Grow the fuck up.
Can’t watch FN. Was surfing and saw Rachel for about 3 seconds and wanted to kill myself. Who watches that stuff? Heaven help us, we’re all gonna die.
My last meal would be buttered eggs and toast with strawberry jam.
Ta.
Yes. I’ve never meant it more. Yes. To the letter.
And let’s not forget an early departure – Ming Tsai. Ming cooked amazing, complicated, exotic food on TV! The cancellation of East Meets West was eerily close to the rise of exposure for $40s A Day, and the eventual demise of quality cooking on the network.
So, so sad.
Finally! Someone that shares my disdain for Sandra Lee. She is so bloody offensive! There’s nothing of culinary substance behind those dead eyes and that overly-processed platinum hair!
This is so frickin hilarious! Loved it – and so true!
This is so frickin hilarious! Loved it – and so true!
Anthony, you are so much funnier in your writing than you ever are on your television shows, that I have to wonder why you aren’t doing your own writing… or, if you are, why aren’t you putting more thought into that. I have two major gripes here, though…
First, BOBBY FLAY is an untalented, egomaniacal hack. As Morimoto once said himself about Flay, “He’s not a chef. He’s a lucky amateur.” Exactly. Have you noticed that they seem to keep lowering the bar on every episode of “Throwdown” in an apparent desperate hope to find someone that he can ACTUALLY beat? I keep expecting the next Throwup (sorry, I couldn’t resist) to have him pitted against a night manager of some Taco Bell from Bent Armpit, Wyoming. All during the battle the manager will be saying to anyone who will listen, “I told you people before – I don’t even cook! I’m a night manager, for crying out loud! All I do is supervise the janitorial staff.” The battle would be some crap the two old hags of Food Network’s cafeteria put in a brown bag for Flay to take to the event, vs. half a tuna sandwich that the night manager had left over from his lunch the day before. And STILL Flay would lose! Why is Flay even ON television? Because (as the television industry expression goes…) “He plays well in the sticks.” Redneck retards seem to appreciate him embarrassing both himself and America.
Anyway, the other gripe I have with Anthony Bourdain is his show on St. Petersburg, Russia. That “fine dining” restaurant is probably THE worst restaurant in the entire city. Also, he somehow made it look like St. Petersburg was in the boondocks. I live about five minutes away from that spa that Bourdain visited, and I notice the cameras were careful to crop out the surrounding buildings and all signs of civilization surrounding it. Why? At any rate, most of what Bourdain writes here is true and very funny. Particularly true of Sandra Lee. Although the less said about her, the better.
thank god for you.
i got a bit of a tear reading this.
So, I like the “Female Trouble” reference…do you think Paula would be game for a spoof, in which she started a new “ugly is beautiful” campaign, and convinced her roll-y poll-y fan base to attain molten-lard facial scars? Mmmm, people with faces as flaky and delicious as a southern-baked pie crust. True beauty. Wake up, America.
I *lurves* when Alton Brown is on the TV.
When Giada is on, I turn the volume down.
When Rachel is on, I turn it down lower.
When Sandra Lee is on, I hit MUTE…
I rarely laugh out loud at anything I read on a blog, but damn, that post is hilarious.
Dear God… Just when I thought that I couldn’t love Anthony Bourdain any more than I already do, along comes this.
I will spare all cheesy and heartlessly ripped-off adages and just say that this man – and his commentary – get better and better.
What a delightful tirade. And you know what?
Spot on.
ah come on anthony, you’re a bit of a cunt yourself aren’t you?!
I’m drowning in tears of laughter!! Giada’s “enourmous head”, and the entire Ray piece have sent be into uncontrolled hyterics!
so many comments…
but this is like joke-articles at rapidshare search
the same destractive humour
I think get-it-done is one of those Top Chef rejects and he probably went out in the first round. Get a life and be happy for the Tony Bourdaine’s of the world.
Keep spreadin’ that marrow, Tony!
Love Your Shows.
P.S. get-it-done, jealousy will eat your insides up. Get over it. Tony is VERY talented and I’m SURE he is well paid for that talent.
While I sit here, idly, reading the comments, some good, some bad, one thing occurs to me. Bourdain is one of few people in the “industry” that is television that has the cojones to speak the truth. Regardless of whether it is about the TVFN, or what he witnessed in Beirut.(Frankly that single show made me appreciate you more as a journalist than any other thing.) He’s listed his opinion, like it or lump it. I see a few on both sides of the issue. I find myself sitting here laughing, reading the original post, only to become more and more disgruntled as I read the oh-so-witty responses.
Bourdain was a drug user, so what. Not once has he tried to hide that fact. He’s the person that brought it to light, he’s also the person that kicked the habit. For that, I respect him more than anything else. Wouldn’t matter what he had accomplished in his professional career. That’s right, he’s a professional career, believe it or not. Galavanting around the world to some, but slogging through the everyday crap of making a show, and being put in situations that are much less than comfortable to others.
Anyhow, I genuinely respect him, because he is able to be crass, opinionated, even rude, yet he gets the job done. Rarely do I see Bourdain as being out of line, and never do I see him doing something that would be deemed insensitive in the situation. I look at the Japan show as a reference.
In so many ways, Bourdains show is a search. For him, for us, for anyone who cares to join in. It’s a search for so many things: culture, ambition, food, experience; dare I even use the word “enlightenment?”
He strikes me as a genuine sort of “for love of the game” personality. He states himself, that he’s a cook, a writer and a traveler, only hungering for more.
Those that bash, simply don’t understand the premise, they don’t get the story, they will never comprehend that he calls what he sees. Instead, they choose to rip on him, on his former drug habit, on his past indiscressions. I got more enjoyment out of reading those responses, really, than I did the original post. I find it hilarious they think they are being original in attacking Bourdain.
While I respect Lee’s ground up sort of principle, she isn’t portraying that, nor is she sharing that she’s one of the more well paid TV personalities on the FN. Were she to really want to make a difference, as she claims, there’s a damned sight more she could do. THAT is where my despise for her lies. She is now the exact opposite of what she professes to be. Call her what she is, not what she was, or what she claims to be. To do anything else, well, it’s sort of arbitrary to the concept of respect. (of which, I have none for her in any way, shape, or form any longer.)
RR is the queen, my opinion only, of unadulterated stupidity. She takes the concpet of something that would be reasonable, and ruins it with her ineptitude. Her vocabulary makes me sad for the English language. Her cooking makes me sad for war-torn Africa, Lord knows if you boxed it up and sent it over, their death would only be that much slower.
Those, really, are the only two that I have anything against, none of the others do I care a lick about.
Bourdain fails to strike me as being bitter, even in the slightest sense of the word. he strikes me as being blatantly honest in his regards to what is being shown on a network that was once a great network to learn a multitude of information.
Tony, you rock!!!
I miss Jacques Torres and Gale Gand. And to those wondering about Duff @ Ace of Cakes, cake decorating is a very different art than cake baking. He rocks!
I heart Tony, and Tony + Ruhlman = Hours of amusement!
Why does Tyler Florence have over two inches of grease on his face? Why is making an Avacado Sorbet rad? Who would you rather hate-rape, Sandra Lee or Rachel Ray? As a proffessional (ha) Line-Cook I’d just like to say that working in a kitchen is not glorious. It actually sucks alotta dick.
I think Tyler has Native American ancestry, hence the oily skin, hair, and prominent bone structure. It can only make him HOTTAH!!!! I’ll take his food over Sandra’s ANY DAY. I’d take four-day old hot dogs from a convenience store/gas station over Sandra’s KKRAP!!!
hi beautiful.I watch you in Peru.Please.don´t write because i wan to see you more.kiss you
My favorite example off what the food network has become is an episode that featured Paula Dean cooking a corned beef and cabbage dish. She said, “and this is where I get my corned beef ya’ll,” before pulling a can of hormel corned beef from behind her back! If that’s the best they can do, I might as well stick to my Joy of Cooking book from years ago.
Sandra Lee actually has a cookbook! Do people really need further instructions in how to open up a can of pears? Why bother? Campbell Soup always prints recipes on their soup cans- at least it’s free. By the way, I think Sandra Lee’s mother is posting on this website as get_it_done.
Paula Dean makes me cringe the way she talks because I grew up in the South and we tend to shoot at people that talk like her,Rachel Ray
makes me thankful that I’m not from the north and didn’t hatch any offspring with girls I ended up with in my travels up north while in a drunken haze……..
The most hypocritical thing about Bourdain is how often he uses the word “simple food” in his shows. Guess what? Simple food isn’t geoduck, beating cobra hearts, or head cheese. Its just not.
Simple food is just as gross – cream of mushroom soup over chicken thighs. And I agree that the fat, Cheeto-eating Americans of the world could stand to STOP eating said Cheetos and make something decent once in awhile. But these people aren’t going to get there by going to China and eating fried organ meat. They MIGHT, however, get there by making Rachael Ray’s food.
I think my point is – Bourdain is just as useless to the world as the average morbidly obese Cheeto-eater. He’s the other end of this extreme. Rachael, as annoying as she is (and I suspect this is the ACTUAL reason Bourdain hates her), actually serves a useful purpose in attempting a sort of middle ground for REAL “simple” people.
Bourdain, on the other hand, offers nothing to the world but elitist escapism for sycophants like the 90% of you commenters who jerked off while typing the above comments. Talk about useless …
-Stephanie
(incidentally, a former Food Network AND Travel Channel producer)
Is Sandra Lee trying to one-up Rachel Ray with her “20 Minute Meals” cookbooks? I can make a 2 minute meal cookbook but it would just be pictures of various cereals and different types of milk. The only instructions would be “Mix in bowl, serve cold” and then I could get my own show.
Also, this new rescue chef idea…isn’t he going to be doing the same thing that Tyler Florence used to do (going around and helping people in their own kitchens)?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch these new shows (one latin, one southern bbq, ‘insert an ethnic group here’ shows and the 8 different quick-and-easy shows) interspersed with reality and competition mash-ups. There really should be a Food Network Channel split.
Food Network Classic: (Molto Mario, Hot off the Grill, The 2 Fat Ladies,east Meets West, Taste, galloping gourmet, maybe re-air the Discovery Channel Great Chefs series).
Food Network On The Road: Any show featuring Guy Fieri pulling up to the camera in a red top-down convertible, Mark Summers, Gordon Elliot (I admit I liked ‘Follow that Food’), Al Roker, the Deen Brothers, and basically any show where they go to some random city (Denver?) and eat in restaurants. It would be a great place for shows like ‘$40 a Day’ and ‘Behind the Bash’ to go and die. we could also ban all competition and bbq contest shows to this channel (does everybody have to have a secret bbq rub? the 50 people who do not win should have to give up their crappy secret recipe at the end of the competitions-now that would make an interesting show).
Food Network For Working Moms: Sandra Lee, Robin Miller, and the rest of the familiar subjects. Shows would be time compressed to fit into 15 minute blocks, every commercial would be sponsored by zip-lock bags, Campbell’s Soup, and the GE Microwave Division.
Ok enough, here is a picture of Bourdain I found from the Atlantic City Police Dept:
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/0229081mugs2.html
Bourdain- you’re an honest, no bullshit kind of guy and metromix likes you.
Check out my interview with Tony!
http://orlando.metromix.com/restaurants/article/anthony-bourdain-film-nerd/360599/content?track=ORL-bourdain-discussion
Bourdain was the nicest guy I’ve interviewed since I George Takei!
Anthony Effing Rules. I watch his shows and own a book. Yeah I know, I’m raising Anthony’s ego. *shrugs* I like his honest sarcasm and his shot of jim beam to go with it.
I’m not a big fan of Rachel Ray or Sandra Lee to begin with. They’re beyond cringe worthy….
Hey Anthony.. The wine list at Les Halles on John St sucks.. One Burgundy by the glass, and it’s Latour.. Come on man.. Help a wine guy out.. Update the wine list.. Give a man some options..
Hey Anthony.. The wine list at Les Halles on John St sucks.. One Burgundy by the glass, and it’s Latour.. Come on man.. Help a wine guy out.. Update the wine list.. Give a man some options..
And what is it you’ve ever cooked for us, Tony?
You complain a lot, but what have you accomplished?
Anthony Bourdain, you are a GOD. Sentiments very similar to this have been screamed at my television late at night when I can’t find anything else to watch and am forced to watch one of these pseudo-cooks perform their danse macabre. Sandra Lee should be boiled in E-V-O-O and then garnished with cheese whiz. Bravo, Chef Bourdain!
So, I’m a bit late to this party of Food Networking bashing, but I totally agree. As a restaurant vetern, I am always trying to explain to my Mom and Sister why I hate the shows…..but this one line sums it up about Rachel Ray:
“Wallowing in your own crapulence on your Cheeto-littered couch you watch her and think, “Hell…I could do that. I ain’t gonna…but I could–if I wanted! Now where’s my damn jug a Diet Pepsi?”
Anthony, I hated you when you wrote your 1st book ….you sensationalized the restaurant biz…you told secrects that should never have been let out of the “family”…..and as a NY’er at the time in the biz….I didn’t think you could cook…..BUT then after marrying my chef hubby who loved your book…..we ate at Les Halles and it was really, really good….I was impressed….and I am a major food snob…I worked as a server for Bobby, Jean-Georges and Alfred and enjoyed Grammercy regularly before Tom was on TV…(unfortunately most Bravo viewers outside of NY will never really understand Tom’s true talent prior to being on TV)…and I also thought Rocco was super hot when I would walk by him standing outside the back door of Union Pacific (before he sold out to “When the Restaurant Turns” sponsored by AMEX)… btw…why is Alfred not a guest chef on the Top Chef show???….I see they are all non-FN chefs….maybe because he is ACTUALLY still in the kitchen cooking…I didn’t like you or your book Anthony because you promote the “Boys Club” cooking attitude that is rampant in the South or actually in most markets outside of NY, SF or Chicago….but, Les Halles was great…even though I boycotted going for so long….but I have to say…you hit the nail on the head with this rant…and I am somewhat certain there is something quite BRAVO in it for you…..
Bourdain’s post speaks some truth, but those who are aware of what FN has become see no ‘revolution’ in his writing. Sandra Lee does not belong on FN, probably a network like TLC where she’ll have some use. I’m not chef, but I know when someone is a hypocrite and/or scum, and Bourdain is one. His “No Reservations” is a fun show, but that’s it. He’s as ignorant, elitist, and shallow as Americans come – and his tough-I-don’t-care-what-you-say image is laughable. His throwdown on Lee was rude and uncalled for; Bourdain’s an honest pussy, I’ll give him that, but her up bringing was a lot tougher and thicker than St.Anthony will ever be. I hated PBS while I was a child but now see the integrity it has, FN is just a sell-out.
RebeccaM: if by “Alfred” you mean Alfred Portale, apparently he wasn’t too busy “ACTUALLY” being in the kitchen cooking, as he’s appeared twice on Top Chef (the “family favourites” episode of season three, and the Christmas special).
And John: nothing wrong with being an elitist. If trying to be the best, and only accepting that quality in other, is the sign of an elitist, then so be it. We need more of that kind of thinking in America, and less acceptance of excuses and mediocrity.
I have 3 of his books, love his writing. While on a Jet Blue flight to Florida couple weeks ago, watched him on my seat tv for a long time, even though I’d seen them all before, and I had one of his books on my lap. Felt like a groupie and loved every minute of it. He’s not rude or arrogant, just tells it like it is – to him anyway – and gets paid for it. Love the guy and I don’t believe he cares about what others say that don’t
Just (finally) saw this, and it’s hard to disagree with what Bourdain says. Of course, he can’t be too sharp-tongued, I guess, as he happens to be a member of the same clan–a TV talking food head. Except that on his show he isn’t cooking. His contribution to the culinary video vocabulary consists of taking a film crew to someplace other than New York, enjoying the hospitality of people who live there, and ridiculing them. Not to their faces, mind you, but in that snide, behind-the-hand, hip New Yorker way that’s just between you (the viewer) and him. What a talent! In the end, he smiles, sort of, and thanks the yokels for the food they spent all day cooking for him, after which he races out to smoke and drink and treat us to more hilarious sarcasm at the expense of his hosts. There seem to be two variants of his thank-you speech–one for someone who invites him into their home or takes him on a tour of places to learn about the local cuisine, and another for those meant to be shown as idiots (an astrologer he visited in India comes to mind). On the one hand, sincere. On the other, tongue-in-cheek. But today I was struck by the fact that Bourdain looks, acts, and speaks exactly the same, no matter which version of the speech he is delivering. Maybe he doesn’t know the difference.
Bourdain rules. You gotta love a bitchy straight guy…
bourdain is my hero. i love food network but sometimes, i see what tony sees and i can’t help but agree with the guy. Brilliant
Bourdain is an arrogant and snobbish dick. I love it! Reminds me of…… well……me. Keep telling it like it is. Your show is the best thing on TV today!
Tony,
You quit smoking?
That is the most distressing comment in this whole thread.
@ John and Stephanie; trash him all you want, but most of the people here LOVE Tony, me included.
Ok, while I will agree Anthony Bourdain is a talking head when it comes to food (after all, it’s not like we see him in a kitchen every episode), I have to contend there’s a REASON why he’s a talking head. As a journalist, it’s my job to sell the audience on my credibility, not my expertise on accomplishing a given task. I don’t care what the subject is, any talking head you watch relating to any non-fiction subject is a journalist. They might not be reporting the hard news of the day (though what passes for news these days would make Edward Murrow, Ernie Pyle, and Walter Winchell roll in their graves), but they are still journalists. Tony’s show is a form of journalism, and part of what sells that show is his credibility as a chef and world traveler. Granted, the other things that sell his show are his personality and manner of communication, along with the feeling of finding ‘insider’ travel secrets. (It’s a personal mission to get to Bali for a piece of that myth-inspiring pig, and I’ll deal with my Jewish ancestral guilt afterwards)
However, ‘No Reservations’ isn’t a cooking show. It’s a travel show on the Travel Channel. To refer back to a paranthetical statement, Tony doesn’t tell you how to make Balinese roast pork in your own backyard. Any one of us might be tempted to try it, but I’m willing to bet our attempts would fall short.
As for the Food Network, I still enjoy watching Good Eats. I don’t care if I’ve seen the episode that’s running on a given day 20 times because it’s the humor and personality that keeps me coming back. Unfortunately, the instructional element of the network’s programming has fallen off. Emeril’s become stale to me, it hurts my ears to hear Giada’s accent when she speaks Italian (I’ve lived in Italy, and her pronunciation is ‘unique.’) but the food looks good, Mario Batali is an amazing resource a TV exec doesn’t seem to know what to do with, and Paula Deen seems to make the people I know in the rural Midwest fairly happy. The other ‘talent’ (Tony Bourdain on the word ‘talent’: When a television executive or the production crew refers to a star as ‘talent’, read: ‘asshole.’)
on the network is a collection of people who might be fairly talented, but they’re mismanaged in an attempt to MTV the Food Network. Guy Fieri wasn’t doing a terrible job with Guy’s Big Bite. It seemed to focus on ‘man food’ and potentially expanding the palate of the average American male. But the Food Network seems to suffer from a horrible identity crisis because now we’ve got an endless supply of food competitions, travel shows, and brand new copies of dying shows. What is Paula Deen’s Party (I think that’s the name of it) other than a remix of Emeril Live?
I will go ahead and devote a separate paragraph to Rachael Ray and Sandra Lee. Get over the snobbish attitude about Ms. Ray’s lack of chef’s credentials. She doesn’t try to pass herself off as a chef, but she does attempt to encourage people to try taking a little pride and care in what they put on the table. Sure, her recipes aren’t the height of cuisine, but that doesn’t appear to be her target. Sandra Lee, on the other hand, seems to be the mistress of the host/hostess fakeout. The food might (I really mean ‘might’) look appealing, but how does it taste? Can you really call it cooking if your dishes are semi-homemade? I’m not going to cry if the phyllo dough isn’t made from scratch, but at least make an attempt at a pie crust. What I get from Ms. Lee’s show is that it doesn’t really matter how good the food is, as long as it’s cute and presentable and you liquor up the guests so they don’t know the difference.
Take a look at No Reservations. It isn’t a cooking show, it’s a travel show, and for those of you who don’t know this, being a little snide, snarky, and complimentary in a back-handed way is the way New Yorkers show affection. I submit Tony Bourdain’s continued association with his friend, Samir. Samir has put Tony (at least on TV) through the ringer quite a few times, only to show up again when Tony goes to Eastern Europe. If Tony really meant all the things he’s said about Samir, nobody would have seen him after the Uzbekistan incident.
I will admit that I miss the old Food Network. I miss David Rosengarten, Two Fat Ladies, and a number of the other personalities (Two Hot Tamales was a bit of a stretch for me, but I found myself enjoying the show despite myself). However, it would seem that Food TV’s identity issues have resulted in a few good ideas that are poorly executed or at least not as well executed as they could have been.
While I’m on that soapbox, I also miss the old MTV,but it doesn’t look like either one of them are going to come back any time soon.
I just wanted to say that while I am a writer, I know absolutely nothing about cooking or food in general except what I think tastes good. I don’t know the names of famous chefs or anything about this whole food network craziness because I’ve never watched that channel in my life. I did, however, happen to stumble across an episode of No Reservations one very late night and I really enjoyed it. I’m a sucker for anyone with a sardonic wit, especially one that drinks and smokes in this ever so anti-smoking environment. Christ, people are starting to look at smokers like they’re the f***ing antichrist. Anyways, I love the show, especially Bourdain’s outlook on life in general. By the way, this show is really great to watch if you just took a few hits from a joint.
I’m so glad I came across this posting. I despise RR more than anyone else in the entire world, nay universe.
Thank you for the hilarious post Bourdain!
Tony Bourdain has done his time in kitchens for years. He’s earned the right to speak his mind. He doesn’t need to cook anymore (although he still does).
As for his recipes, they are pretty damn good. We’ve made his 3-day cassoulet (well, as best we could; we didn’t have access to pork rinds). It was more than worth the effort. The mushroom soup, however, was a little too sweet. Oh well, can’t win ‘em all.
Giada does have a strange grin, but she can definitely cook. Her stracoto recipe is one of our favorite go-to dishes for weekends when we’re cleaning house and the like (pretty much cooks itself and it always comes out fantastic). We’ve made several of her recipes and they were all easy to prepare and absolutely fantastic. And, yes, I enjoy watching her grate cheese. And take stuff out of the oven.
Mario is a god. His prosciutto and apple salad is to die for. Then again, he had me at “prosciutto”.
Alton Brown is the culinary equivalent of Thomas Dolby. Food-geek extraordinaire. Evil genius, thy name is Alton. And his Food Scientist mentor, Shirley O’Corriher, is an absolute hoot.
Rachel’s OK. Not great, but we’ve made some of her recipes and they were pretty good. Yes, her mannerisms are annoying, and her first cookbook had the weirdest organization I’ve ever seen, but she’s not the antichrist or anything. But then again, we don’t watch her show anymore, either.
Sandra Lee? When I see her on I check out her rack and then change the channel. Nuff said.
Emeril is kind of the Foot Network equivalent of Barney the Dinosaur, but his recipes are good (his Dad’s Acadian, as is my wife, so I can understand where some of his flavors come from), and he really is a genuinely nice guy. And the real deal; yes, he can actually cook, and WELL.
Jacques Pepin – is awesome. His chick pea ragout (in 30 minutes) is fantastic. And his memoir, “The Apprentice”, was some of the best culinary reading (after “Kitchen Confidential”) I’ve ever experienced.
I could go on and on, but I won’t (sigh of relief, there). Yes, TVFN is getting more like MTV, but it fills a niche. I’m just glad we get an HDTV feed so I can enjoy Giada’s cleavage in 1080p.
As I read this for the fourth time, I’m also watching Kathy Griffin and I think to myself, “Can life be better?” New show idea; Kathy Griffin and Anthony Bourdain making fun of people. I’d watch it. Anyway, the only two people I watch on Food Network are Alton Brown (funny, smart and sexy? I could marry him) and Bobby Flay (I won’t lie, I originally watched him just because he is sexy) but other than that, there is no one on that channel worth my time. I used to watch Giada but she quickly got under my skin and made me want to blow my brains out. I’ve watched maybe half of an episode of Rachael Ray and, needless to say, lost several brain cells. Paula is okay, but I mainly enjoy “Paula’s Party,” only for the overtly sexual remarks made toward some of the guests. I’ve never been a fan of Emeril, especially now that his crowd laughs at everything he says, even when it isn’t funny. Mario is…well, I like him, but I find myself constantly distracted by his hair. I’ve never seen Sandra Lee and based on the things I’ve read, I don’t plan on it.
Tony, you’re my hero. We should do it.
I love you Tony… please come do a show in Atlanta. My friends and I simply adore your wit and wisdom… and the fact that you know who the Hellacopters are.
Holy crap, that was wonderful. I took a little break from my dissertation to search out some critique of that douche bag Guy Fieri, but this was a nice surprise. I really wish you’d go after Fieri; I’d love to see you unload on that asshat. And Irvine. And what the hell–Bob Tuchmann too.
Nicely written catalogue of animosity. I can’t tell any of these shows a part form any of the tripe that MTV has been defecating out for the last decade (perhaps more-a bit of time dilation I suppose from being in hell for too long.) But here we all are watching it.
I enjoy your acerbic commentary on Top Chef, even if the irony of your station is almost deafening. It too is formulaic, but a good formula at least, for now. I agree with the other commenter, get your own blog. These thoughts shouldn’t be just shared with yourself.
I would like to see a show that actually shows what all restaraunts are-big incestual drug using family.
anthony bourdain is the best dude ever! he’s as bitchy as the fat guy who judges on ICA, except he’s more likeable.
i’d love to see bourdain as a regular head judge on his own cooking competition show. what do ya think about that FN?
you know rachel ray likes to cut corners- i can get down with a woman like that. she’s the kind of girl you can hang around with all day in a bathrobe and eat bacon. just bacon. if bourdain can’t appreciate that then he’s a bastard. a hard bastard whom i grant oceans of respect (he ate a raw seal with little inuit children!)
as for nigella, i only hope she’ll one day respond to my numerous letters and grant me my fantasy: which is that she dress up as a strict school marm and paddle me while i recite my multiplication tables.
what;s also funny and ultimately cute about bourdain is that he can’t come down on the ace of cakes guy because he feels guilty about being too critical and too east coast. ace of cakes dude may have aesthetic talent but bourdain can’t quite put his finger on the fact that he’s a power tripping douche who believes he’s much more of a chef than he truly is. bourdy, if you read this, i’ll remind, you, as a writer it’s your job to poke and prod us to think, not to make concessions and reduce criticism just because you feel pangs in your hard new york heart. let it all out. hate me or love me.
dig?
I am just discovering Anthony Bourdain and have come to really enjoy his comments on his travel network show. As for his comments on food network shows, i totally agree. These people are just puppets to new audiences that Fn tries to cater to. Even as an amatuer in cooking I can tell those who have their expertise and those who are prepped in their delivery. I think that Anthony should really start his own blog to express his opinions. As for those who see him as an egotist, get some confidence and take him for what he is.
Paula Deen is not a nice person. She’s an alcoholic, narcissistic, borderline psychotic, downright rude old shrew who’d spit on you as soon as look at you. Lady and Sons stays open because Savannah tourists don’t have sense enough to ask the locals if it’s worth the wait in a 2+ hour line.
Paula Deen sells butter and deep-fried lard. If any one is truly trying to kill her fans, it’s that old bitty— one butter-drowned, curdled-fried-fat meal at a time.
For Anthony If You Read This,
Anthony…I’m a guitar player guy from Seattle via Nashville who just did a rather big deal concert in Voghera Italy. I took your book KC with me and was laughing…off and on…all during the grueling, boring, temper testing flights to and from. Passengers around me were so curious what the hell was so funny. Needless to say I recommended your book to countless people. One fundamentalist couple wrote down the name of your book. It should be an enlightening read for them???? I love to cook and now I know not to open a restaurant for that reason. I will keep cooing and keep learning. Your the only personality on TV, other than Mario, that is a no bullshit kind-a guy. I like it.
Dave R
ok i know i am a day late and a dollar short thats just the story of my life. this i have been dying to post. so i see the cleveland no reservation not a thing short of awesome. not really a obsequious bigger fan of no reservations than anything food network has to offer. do like molto mario now in fln ace of cakes good eats. not the point. the point is. what evil and admirable plot was formed to put micheal symon who already was on food network back when it first came to my cable system back on. \m/
Does anyone else have an ode to Anthony on their Myspace? How lame am I, in love with a TV chef, author extraordinaire, biting humorist… Then I come here and see I am in the company of many witty people feeling the same way. Life makes sense again…
Anthony, you rock ever so hard!
I’m found this way late but I just starting watching No Reservations a year ago and love Anthony Bourdain and I tape every show. I think he’s witty and sexy in a dirty way which my husband doesn’t get at all. I’ve read most of the earlier post and can say some were funny and dead on and others were garbage. I like the Barefoot Contessa but I wish she would quit talking about Jeffrey, Everyday Italian and I don’t dare for Sandra Lee or Rachel Ray.
I’m pretty sure the BBC had a competition between Ramsay and White–don’t remember the name of it. it was several years ago.
” Like her look-alike, Divine in the classic, “Female Trouble.“ Paula Deen on a Baltimore Killing Spree would be something to see”
AGREED.
first off . . . thanks anthony for your books n shows. you too michael. come to philly! you drink i’ll drive. my whole family has gone from picky to adventurous eaters together as a result. we’ve been served uni by morimoto and eaten chicken cooked on a oil barrel streetside in west la. not much to you guys but a glorious leap for us. and in the sense of adventure and fun i just offer my opinion to the person complaining about les halles wine list. i say trust the staff and service. why go to les halles if you NEED to spend to spend a lot of money or get a specific french burgundy to make your meal? . . . it really kind of is a bistro (aka french pub) right ?? not supposed to be all stuffy, encyclopedic and otherworldly priced?? you know there are a lot of places happy to sell us bottles for lots more and i LOVE french burgundy but i am beginning to feel pretty good about letting the people who work the place steer me to match the plate. let them show off THEIR knowledge! les halles’ sommelier recommended a bordeaux . . . chateau bellefont belcier – st emilion to me even before it was reviewed. i hosted a small party of young but sophisticated folks. among us we had salads, foie gras, charcuterie and duck, and everyone enjoyed it! it was such a good recommendation we went thru a few bottles and in the process even the air itself around us became gorgeous! on a similar note i also i gotta say i was mildly impressed with mesa grill foodwise . . . we do cook out ourselves a lot and love latin food so we are tough to please in those areas . . . BUT mesa grill’s sommelier recommended something i never had before . . . a brickhouse gamay . . . since we are kind of finding our way in the world of food and wine . . . this was surprising and fun! the history of the grape alone is so interesting . . . and in this case the VERY REASONABLE wine recommendation was even smarter than the food itself! Both times i could have wished for something else or picked something off the wine list but i am beginning to let go. at maia (a new amazing place in villanova pennsylvania) not only did we let the sommelier choose (and they carry a LOT of burgundies i’d have chosen) . . . she recommended a beaujolais i never would have chosen . . . we loved it . . . and you know . . . now i look forward to their next recommendation! if you wanna go out to eat . . . let the staff serve you and that includes sharing their knowledge and recommendations . . . you don’t have to go back! there are enough byob’s and big wine cellar restaurants around that if a specific wine will make or break your meal . . . by all means go there. but i think a lot of good restaurants are buying with a menu in mind and it’s ok to trust them. for me realizing a little knowledge can be judgemental and limiting is a good thing . . . staying open to recommendation and respecting the folks that plan the wine list and menu is really where the fun and adventure lies!
Tony has said in several venues that he likes Nigella’s work. I believe in an interview on Fresh Air he said she was more of a lifestyle show.
Tony you are the man! Your comments and rants are the greatest. Many a times I find myself stupidly laughing at your wit as I sit reading your blogs while working that boring 9 to 5. You really inspire me to cook and not just “cook” but savor everyone of life’s pleasures. Chef’s like you, Mario and Tom inspire to join the CIA but unfortunately as mother of 2 that is wishful thinking. So for now I shall live vicariously through your writings!
Besides Unwrapped, How’d That Get On My Plate, and show in that category, Food Network is kind of a bust. It’s a cooking channel like AMC shows American movie classics.
For good cooking shows, PBS wins. America’s Test Kitchen is by far the best.
Dear Bob Tuschman,
That whole Robert Irvine thing worked out really well, didn’t it?
No matter what anyone may think about Bourdain’s off-color, often obnoxious commentaries, the man is:
1. A no BS guy
2. A true “foodie”
3. An un-rivaled Travel Channel experience.
Ruhlman, you’re one of the priviledged. To be able to know Anthony as you do is something a lot of here would love.
Shorter this entire thread: OMPH HOMPH GLOMPH JERK SPURT HITLER EVOO