I turned to the Food Network at the usual time, expecting to see a new episode of Iron Chef and, Lo and Behold, there was Paula Dean walking down the red carpet in front of the California Raisins…I chuckled to myself that it was difficult to tell who was who…

But…but…

Our heads turned when we heard them announce someone from “No Reservations.” Oh. The movie that’s coming out, and not… Ah. I get it now.

Still, seemed like some backhanded slam…of sorts…if you’d credit them with such cleverness.

Ahhhhh, the nightmares we had afterwards. And we were only able to make it through to “Best Damn Ice Cream Machine” or whatever…

I tuned in long enough to become somewhat uncomfortable as Paula and her creepy son awkwardly presented an award… and then the discomfort grew significantly as Alton and poor sweet Nigella did their bit together-
Sad thing is, I think I probably watched the most tolerable 10 minutes of the whole event.

I’m still trying to figure out whether the plantain peeler nomination was serious, or some sort of sick joke.

I’m going to work on turning this disastrous cluster f into a drinking game. There has to be SOME way to make it fun.

I have to admit, the moment I heard about the FN Awards, I started breathing hard in anticipation. Not for the show itself (even my beloved Alton couldn’t make me tune in), but because I couldn’t wait for the post-award-show Bourdain smackdown. My only regret is that I had to stifle my laughter to avoid waking my roommate.

But then, I saw the byline and it all made sense in a beautiful, perfect, cosmos kind of way.

So Mr Bourdain, here’s my pitch for next years show (because regardless of reviews or ratings, I’m sure FoodTV must have made enough money to justify doing it again next year).

Do you remember ‘Mystery Science 3000?’ It was a show on one of the cable channels where they had a human and two puppets sitting in a faux theater, and they’d play really bad B-movies while the three ‘hosts’ made snarky remarks while the movie played.

You should consider offering to cover the Red Carpet arrivals and show in the MST3000 style. Your version of the awards would be broadcast at a later date.

One can only help but wonder whether any 3 second delay would have been adequately able to deal with your spontaneous reaction to seeing Paula Deen with the California raisins.

Maybe you and Gordon Ramsay could tag team on this and become the new Joan and Missy of FT? I think that’d be damn hilarious and I’d certainly not miss next years show.

Think about it. I bet your version would beat the clean version in the ratings.

(BTW well done with the review. this was the first thing I had the pleasure of reading this morning. Thank you for starting the week off right).

I saw the previews for this and thought they were awarding the FN personalities themselves, so decided to skip. No idea they’d plumb the newest depths of awful. Poor Nigella!

As for the rest of us, we’ll wait with bated breath for Bourdain’s next post.

I’ll light some candles to ward off the evil spirits.

I think the problem is that Mr. Bourdain *knows* that the Food Network can (and has been) pretty damn good in the past. I watched it a lot a decade ago; How To Boil Water was a fun introduction, and there used to be a lot of real cooking by real chefs going on there (I miss Ming Tsai like you would not believe). Now they abuse the real chefs, with Flay and Battali only appearing on Iron Chef and on that awful Throwdown, and the people who are actually ‘teaching’ about cooking are Ms. EVOO and whats her name who thinks if you add orange juice to cake mix then it’s semi-homemade. The shows are rarely about actually making the food these days (I’m fascinated by Ace of Cakes, but it teaches me nothing), and Good Eats has become filler. But when they started, they really *were* doing something interesting and promising, and its hard not to miss that, or indeed, wish they’d live up to what they have been in the past.

We got through about oh…3 minutes and ran like the wind. The whole thing was just shameful.

well done, anthony!