Next FN Star Update!

by Bourdain

I LOVE this show! Its brutal (if often accidental) honesty.. its unflinching  lifting of the rock and all the naked, wriggly, ugly and needy ambitions it reveals. Magnificent!  And Bob Tushman is the Best Reality Show judge EVER. His face pulled, Bush-like,  in two directions at once , as he delivers another crushing yet breathtakingly honest assessment of a contestant’s chances for FN success, one can actually see the eternal struggle between the decent human impulse to reward virtue, ability and goodness–and the more pragamatic business of Feeding the FN Beast. You know that look he gets as he deftly smashes the hopes and dreams of yet another wannabe? As the nitrous/ether mix that has taken them this far finally drains out of the contestant’s  punctured space suit? You just KNOW Sara Moulton has seen that look.

I made myself a pitcher of Negronis, booted some crystal meth, ordered out for pizza and some take-out uni and setttled in for another exciting week of Slaughterfest. And here’s what happened:

Daryl Dawkins lumbered in as guest judge. The perfect candidate really..as he’s about as irrelevent to the world of food and cooking as any human could be. Genius! Next week, it’s Joe Piscopo.

The robotic Nikki having been previously dispatched, the show got down to the serious business of thinning the herd by TWO. ( I was breathless with excitement!) I called my bookie and put two grand on Linda Kasabian and the very lovable but completely hopeless lummox Tommy. Linda (aka Colombe–translation: "Dove") seemed to have had  a Sandra Lee epiphany since  the debut. She abandoned her "organic and healthy" principles with the breathtaking speed of a Vichy era shopkeeper, betrayed her fellow contestant Paul–by abandoning an unidentified shopping bag without remark–and rather than waste time cooking anything, proceeded to dump ready made nacho cheese sauce on a bag of chips. A winning FN strategy one might think..but NO! She was cut loose at the end–perhaps saving the network the expense and embarrassment of hosing red "Helter Skelter" off the carriage house walls. The sweet faced Tommy, already a blubbering mess, made the ill advised choice to serve meatball heros at the stadium venue.  Sadly, the sandwiches were larger than the human heads into which they were intended to fit.  They both got the chop. And I won–at 6-1 odds– a nice chunk a change.

In further news: The hunky, dreamy Adrian/delivery dude stepped up his game making a very sensible, human mouth sized and winning offering . Definitely in the running now–if not a new favorite.  Michael stepped yet closer to the abyss–regardless of the smartest best offering of the ep, missing the camera entirely during the early "screen test" ( fatal lapse, I suspect). The toothy Rory skated by with a cheesesteak…"Scary Ethnic" JAG was lulled into a temporary state of false confidence by preparing good food. NOT a saving grace–regardless of Bob’s lulling assurances. Only reason JAG’s not gone is the Travis Bickle outfit he showed up with in ep one. They’ll wait to whack him after they get the metal detectors installed.  Amy (is it Amy?) made the mistake of using fancy communiss ingredients like goat cheese and looking like a real, working woman and talking too fast. The judges hate her and her fancy-ass French ways. And poor Paul (my favorite) fell down HARD, narrowly avoiding the blade–after  a surprise "health inspection" from the  Last Year Winner and obliging Network Tool (whatever the fuck his name is). He’s very "In Your Face and Pro-Active" by the way. The "kids today" LOVE him. He’s got the hair, the drop earring..and the radio announcer voice! The vintage bowling shirt and the shorts. Kindofa younger, cheaper, "hipper"  Mario–assembled by committee from spare parts (after lengthy consultation with sponsors and focus groups). A shining example, I’d think–of the "Get Interesting Hair" Principle of TV Chefdom. (See Marcel Vigneron on TC2 and Dale on TC3). Like I always say–it’s the fundamentals that are so important.