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Yes. Of course I watched NEXT FOOD NETWORK STAR. It’s your worst, most nightmarish vision of the future realized, isn’t it, Ruhlman? Minimally talented wannabe cooks of negligable to moderate experience compete to become "Celebrity Chefs" based on a focus group-like criteria of "likeability" while food and cooking ability (such as it is) take a distant back seat. All to record breaking ratings for FN!
I love it. I think it’s a useful window into the real heart and soul of the Food Network, a cautionary tale, morality play and case study of the kind of pathological narcissism and exhibitionism that drives people to grope strangers in hot tubs, vomit in public, share their cellulite with the world, bunk with a drunken Mini-Me and generally humiliate themselves utterly in the cause of Being On Television. That the "food" mostly looks like bonobo-puke is entirely beside the point. The show gives us exactly what it promises: shows us both the naked truth about What It Takes to be the Next David Leiberman–and the terrible cost. (David, from what I understand, will "no longer be continuing with the network).
The egotism of the contestants–their touching blind faith that if they could just have a show on Food Network, everything in their lives will be okay, is almost..beautiful–if delusional.
"Being a Food Network Star, you’ve got to think on your feet," says one contestant in Ep One. Not really. You can pretty much read off cue cards, judging from Emeril’s wisely phoned in appearance. Or sleepwalk through–like the obliging Bobby.
Patrick’s heartfelt identification with "local, local, fresh fresh, fresh," for instance, put him right in the headlights of the network’s raison d-etre: "Fast, Cheap, Easy and Available At Any SuperMarket." No surprise he gone.
The hopelessly inarticulate Tommy, too kind hearted to throw colleagues under the train (an essential TV skill) is clearly dead meat.
Adrien, was too old and too Brazilian to get the gig. They don’t even like GUESTS or SUBJECTS who have accents on FN. She "talks funny". The audience "won’t understand her" . That they put her on in the first place was cruel. Cannon fodder. And the producers surely knew it. She was on there to get kicked off.
JAG is too threatening. Something Net Exec Bob Tushman candidly pointed out. They like personality on FN. Just not your own personality.
The spacy Colombe comes off like Squeaky Fromme. There’s a tripped out messianic vibe to her Personal Mission to share the glory of Healthy and Organic food with the public that would NEVER sit well with an audience of Twizzler and Ho-Ho eaters. Hell, she scares ME. Her total disconnection from reality should make entertaining television however–right up until her psychotic break, when she comes in with her head shaved, a little "X" carved in her forehead and a butcher knife and takes a lunge at Tuschman.
Michael has no chance–as he’s too capable, too professional and too experienced. Even if he GOT the gig, he’d no doubt quickly hang himself from shame when he got the Full Picture. ( "Michael! It’s a Holiday Special! Our research shows that audiences want to see you nibbling corn nuts out of Sandra Lee’s ass under the mistletoe!You have no problem with that, right?)
Amy is too capable, too hard, and waay too French-centric. As the judges–again–candidly and astutely pointed out. FN likes food their audience can pronounce. Her Cordon Bleu experience, leadership skills and cooking ability–that she’s clearly a strong, capable woman are HUGE liabilities. The judges hate her already–she’s a painful rebuke to everything they stand for–and a painful reminder of their dead, hollow souls–how far over to the dark side they’ve strayed.
On the first episode, Of the heartbreakingly hopeless crop of aspiring stars–few of whom could hold up the fry station at Denny’s, I saw only three who have a hope in Hell:
Rory has CIA training and a personality and looks a bit like Sandra Lee–so maybe, IF her first cooking performance was an abberation; than maybe she’s got a shot.
Adrian, the hunky delivery man comes off okay, has good looks–and the kind of nearly insane certainty in his own wonderfulness which will serve him well in the FN vineyards. A possible winner.
But MY choice for Big Winner is…Paul. Alone among contestants on the first show, he was consistently confident, self assured, reasonably capable..funny and likeable. He worked the food, the wedding crowd and the cameras with real skill. I admired his twin groom wedding cake. And even the Food Net might–at this point in history–be willing to defy their traditional, core audience "older Bible Belt" consituency with an openly gay host in the hopes of attracting newer, younger viewers. I hope so. A sense of humor is a good thing to have–both on camera and off. Paul seems to have one. He’s shrewd (see the "polenta incident"), opportunistic (his preparing something for the bride and groom’s small dog was brilliant), and he was working those won tons like a pro. His gayness–a history of being an outsider might be an asset; good armor against the soul-destroying chores ahead. He’s the only guy I’m rooting for to win–and the only one who might be able to survive and thrive at the job should he get it.
The season four finale of The Next Food Network Star was number one with fans Sunday night at 10pm, attracting an average of 4.0 million viewers on a total viewer 2+ basis, and 2.2 million adults 25-54, according to Nielsen Media Research. The program posted a 2.1 adults 25-54 rating, a 27 percent increase over the season three finale and a 3.0 household rating, up 14 percent over last season. The finale smashed all records for Food Network, becoming the highest-rated, most-watched telecast in its history.
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Stellathomas
Make Money
Bourdains 1st paragraph sums up my feelings. I hate “Top Chef.” I hate reality TV. Bourdain, Zimmerman, ect. . . Real chef’s with original ideas eating their way around the world, I like. Idiot’s competing to be the “Next Food Star” just irritates me. I can turn the TV off and play that game in my own kitchen.
Chef Irvine lied on his resume, but he is a great TV personality and he has a great show and good ideas. Keep him, Can the new ones.
I haven’t watched much of FN since Jamie Oliver and the original Iron Chef were taken off the air. I do like Good Eats and anything with Giada (see current issue of Esquire), but on my Tv list nowadays is either “Lost”, “Countdown w/ Keith Olbermann”, or anything on PBS. That’s it.
Now, there’s supposed to be some reality show it which a bunch of dramatic doofuses are supposed to pretend to be a Forensic unit to solve murders. What’s the name of the show? “MURDER”. How fucking original. A reality show it which self-serving dips tend to gain the upper hand while solving a murder case. Nothing like the death of a human being to help someone get a career boost. Look what it did for everone on the OJ trial. Look what it did for the judge in the Anna Nicole controversy. Someone gains from someone else’s death. Now that should be a commentary worth writing on.
KEEP ON FIGHTING, TONY!
I only wish Anthony Bourdain would take the time to watch the newest additiom to the FN. Simply Delicioso is to me one of the worst shows since Semi-Ho-Made. On her last episode the over the top host made a scallop ceviche (which she refers to as “Peruvian ceviche” with her own little twist)
She submerged the scallops in lime juice and drained it (what?) and then adds things like coconut milk, shredded coconut, oregano and raisins (what?). All her recipes have weird combination of ingredients. The music is loud, she talks to the food and tells you to smell what she is cooking. A real winner!
Anonymous said…
AMY FINLEY KNEW THAT SHE WAS GOING TO WIN THE NFNS BEFORE THE VOTING WAS COMPLETE! FOOD NETWORK RIGGED THE COMPETITION IN LIGHT OF JAG’s RESIGNATION!
The text messege votes were also rigged! Amy’s went through when Rory’s were denied!!!
Check out this link!!!
http://www.fox6.com/mediacenter/local.aspx?videoID=337422
Anonymous said…
AMY FINLEY KNEW THAT SHE WAS GOING TO WIN THE NFNS BEFORE THE VOTING WAS COMPLETE! FOOD NETWORK RIGGED THE COMPETITION IN LIGHT OF JAG’s RESIGNATION!
The text messege votes were also rigged! Amy’s went through when Rory’s were denied!!!
Check out this link!!!
http://www.fox6.com/mediacenter/local.aspx?videoID=337422
kellypea inanely wrote: “Another sad demise in America’s despairingly, trite, unintellectual lives. I prefer to watch PBS.”
And your pretentious, Bourdain-ian, ass kissing wannabe ways (the quasi-hyper vocab, compare with his snide but smooth), illustrates that you, dear reader, overlooked the fact that, PBS is academia’s equiv of the Food Network.
The place where AB got his start.
Well Bourdain,
“Hopelessly Inarticulate”? What an observation. I have to admit it bothers me only because I enjoy your show and have supported you since day one. I’m not sure you had enough information to make such an observation but so be it.
I understand the viewers of Food Network have a different palate spectrum then your own. However, it still is the masses, and I do enjoy entertaining them.
By the way, dinner at Les Halle was spectacular.
OHDEARGAWD..I should have previewed…..MY TYPOS!!!
Ahhhhhhhh
No spell check..No fair!
c’mon ruhlman and bourdain; you know you’d let Colombe blow you bareback in a foie gras minute.
This might be a waste of space as this is old..BUT.
…Anthony..it’s your job to slaughter everyone..I get it and adore you..BUT…..Not everyone was a coke head in the 80s or a drunk….There really are peeps out there who were heads of their classes and did their homework.
Snark has it’s place and you are brilliant at it weildig that ever so sharp sword at the entrails of the (what you precieve to be) lame …innocous
masses….BUT…..The world is huge enough for all to be represented..I
actually enjoy Sandra Lee…GASP…I really do…(Rachel is screaming a bit too much these
days)
BUT I also enjoy you..So what does that make me????Yeah…. A suburbanite who has had a wild past.
Teetering in the middle is where most of us hang.
Oh, verily, RD, Top Chef is probably the best of the “reality chef” shows, with HK a distant second – TNFNS is a train wreck, and I still blame Bourdain for getting me into watching it by posting about it. Having said that, I still think Amy has one more melt down left in her – she’s as friable as asbestos insulation that one – but . . . but . . . . I think she’s going to win.
I’m late to the party but still shocked that TVFN must read and actually listen to a wee bit of these blogs as that Marc Summers and his uber-happy narration are GONE for this go-round. Mind you, I only could watch the first two episodes of Next Cheffy thingy cause I couldn’t stomach the commercial where Guy (last seasons “winner”) was mr. harsh hardass. Gimme a break. And I while I like Top Chef a lot – you tell me pairing the two people who hate eachother together wasn’t done by some 19 year old producer? Please.
I still love the Bordain Snark. Yes – MR – he’s bitter – but isn’t that why he gets the big bucks?
I love the smell of wank under a Bourdain post.
And no matter what anyone says, Top Chef and Hell’s Kitchen are way better than TNFNS because they actually celebrate cooking as opposed to belittling it and dumbing it down for the masses.
So . . . are the judges trying to insinuate that Jags is bipolar, or what? He gets upset because his oven didn’t work and this makes him an unstable personality – or did I miss something from not having seen Episode 1? BTW, love your concept, Momotad – the knife-throwing would certainly thin the herd faster than the Top Chef quick fire challenges . . . (!)
Combine all the ‘I wanna be a cheffie when I grow up’ shows, make Tony and Gordon Ramsay the ONLY two judges, give them a rather large bottle of scotch to share between them, as well as a tray full of rapier sharpened knives in front of them and let the party begin….”WTF!! you don’t know how to filet that whatever it is you are passing off as meat!”……FWOOOMP….knife stuck in wall behind contestant’s head. Contestant skitters off whimpering. Two judges clink glasses, and some garden variety gnome announcer yells ‘next’……you get the picture.
de Gaulle himself couldn’t have saved Colombe from her impending doom. Store bought chips and cheese sauce? What was she thinking? These shows are providing us with just what the FN execs intended … entertainment. People are apparently tuning in. Sponsers are happy. Another sad demise in America’s despairingly, trite, unintellectual lives. I prefer to watch PBS.
The only thing that could have made Tony’s rant on TNFNS would be if I knew who those bozos were, since I can’t bear to watch. Suffice to say, it was a hillarious read anyway. The only truth in that train wreck is that FN doesn’t even allude to chefs or cooking in the title of the show.
I’m a TC fan, since is Bravo willing to make changes to the show. They canned Billy joel’s puppet-headed wife after viewer uproar, and realized that there was too much drama (Tony’s pancreas-busting performance aside) in S2 (Wolfboy should have been drowned in his own foam).
As for HK, I enjoy seeing how much those scullery rats can take before going nuclear, and admire Gordon for his taste in literature
.
Bourdain is a stud and hilarious to boot. One of the only people who actually gets a laugh from me out loud. Ramsay is better to watch this season than last — which I didn’t finish — and Padma drives me completely crazy. Is she real?
It would be a tad swell if at least one of the three shows actually had something to do with food. The real McCoy. The personality crap gets to me. I can tolerate it if someone actually explains what and how they are cooking what they are cooking, but vending machine challenges?
And as far as pandering to their perceived audience goes? I’m sick of that, too. Last night I heard a bite that encouraged the audience to “Cook like Rachel Ray.” Uh….let’s not and say we did?
Suzy — I take everything mean I ever said back — that was one of the best descriptions of Wall Street I have read outside of Ted Rall. (If you haven’t read Revenge of the Latchkey Kids, and particularly the Cog in Satan’s Bulldozer chapter, check it out)
Natalie — anyone who uses ‘u’ and ‘ur’ as contractions for legitimate English words is not in a position to be demanding copy edits off-the-clock, least of all on a blog.
Claudia — did I get the honor of ‘only post ever pulled’? CH would delete the entire blog, cover their eyes, and chant nursery rhymes in a corner. Ruhlman’s corner of the food media world is a very Good Thing.
re: The world needs an Iron Chef show with Pig Asshole as the secret ingredient. Something like Fear Factor combined with chefs whoring out their ’skills’ for cash. I’m telling you, it’d be more fun than a one-legged hooker.
Chef suzy sweetheart…u needn’t dictate ur c v., but clearly i hit a nerve. BTW i, too have a 21 and 25 yr old but no, not yet a grandma, and haven’t hit 50…celebrating 30 yrs of a very sexy marriage
chef i just couln’t resist
“Natalie my dear: The whole point of a “personal blog” like this is to allow the absolute freedom of speech which is — as I’m sure you know, one of the very “truths” which our founding fathers thought self-evident.”
Actually, the First Amendment does not apply in the fullest sense to personal blogs. The owner/moderator of a blog has the right to restrict, limit or censor both content, length and frequency of posts to his/her owned blog. Anyone who has ever had a post pulled from eGullet will bear me out on this. In addition, a poster could be (but isn’t always) circumscribed by the same restrictions on his/her speech as he/she would be in the non-digital world: i.e., you cannot make threats against others, stalk them, libel them, incite to riot, etc., etc. (Well, you can, but you can also get busted or sued for it.)
Ruhlman is above-average tolerant in that he’s only ever pulled one post, for a spate of obscenities not related to the subject at hand. We have the unrestricted freedom to post – however long, however back-to-back, multiple and frequent, and with no restriction on content – because Ruhlman, good journalist and Libertarian that he is, permits it. eGullet, for instance, would yank about half the posts that make it with no problem here (I’m not sure about Chowhound, etc.)
>>>Chef Suzy: i am not one to shy away or back down from the written word: either u are uber-intelligent and so young and embarrased by it that u write with such effort and a Thesaurus by your side all with the goal to to make effective, albeit inappropriate, language choices in ur vocabulary (which I grant u is hard to do) or I am too old and misunderstand the purpose of a blog<<<
Why thank you Natalie…I think(?).
I am pushing 50. I am the mother of 2 daughters, ages 14 and 28, and I am a grandma as of this past December…
Before I was a financial advisor/bank (Senior!) V.P. for 25 years, I sang with a rock band which was made up of guys who were has-beens in the 80s (when they were in my band) but they were HUGE stars in the 60s. I was thrilled to see them all on VH1 last night on the “Monterey Pop 40th Anniversary” special %^)
I ended my financial career by founding an investment advisory firm, which — after 5 years, I turned over to forces more evil than I, after even I could no longer stomach what the second Bush administration was doing to the bulk of my clients; grandmas and grandpas who just wanted a modest but secure retirement.
I spent a year concentrating on the writing and photography I had done on my own since college (B.A. Liberal Arts/B.F.A. Fine Arts, 1981), and I even managed to sell a couple of things.
While I was in college I worked for a bit at the very first artisanal bakery ever anywhere in the US, and I loved it. It was, and still is in Berkeley. Then I read Kitchen Confidential, and thought “I could do that”…
…so I drove over to the CCA in SF in 3/06 and slapped down my AMEX and signed myself up.
Natalie my dear: The whole point of a “personal blog” like this is to allow the absolute freedom of speech which is — as I’m sure you know, one of the very “truths” which our founding fathers thought self-evident. It is also a blog frequented by professional chefs, as well as by fans of not only Ruhlman, but Bourdain as well. That alone should be enough to warn off anyone who’s sensitive ears might be offended by profanity. Have you read any of Bourdain’s stuff? Kitchen Confidential is a best seller. This is how it is in real life — or at least how it was in Tony’s head — but then Tony’s signature dish is “frites”. I rest my case.
In fact dear Natalie, I can tell you unequivocally that the profanity I see in here is piffle compared to what I saw and heard from bank senior execs the minute they got a drink in them, which was usually at around 11 a.m.
The scarier thing for me was that they guys at the banks (OK : BofA! Nanenanennana!!! Come and get me NOW! ) had the financial means to actually act out that which their perverted minds conjured up.
In the culinary world, only Bourdain has the means to act out these perversions. The rest of us just get off on watching him…
Chef Suzy: i am not one to shy away or back down from the written word: either u are uber-intelligent and so young and embarrased by it that u write with such effort and a Thesaurus by your side all with the goal to to make effective, albeit inappropriate, language choices in ur vocabulary (which I grant u is hard to do) or I am too old and misunderstand the purpose of a blog.
In fact, my thoughts go to the sponsors of this blog…see money is always on my mind…ya think the sponsor’s would agree? I think when u invite sponsors onto a blog u control, u owe them a duty to raise the bar not lower it…if that be the case, Chef Suzy, no?
Tony, buddy you are a wonderful writer, imminently readable often hysterically funny with trenchant observations. Now if only you hadn’t appeared on Top Chef last week…ah, well, I guess that selling out happens in a matter of degrees. The guy on top only sees the ones underneath him, not those over his head! Love you anyway…
I love how each contestant is picked apart – let’s face it, most of them deserved to be slapped at least a few times. And the behind-the-scenes analysis is as funny as it’s shrewd.
That said, if you’re going to verbally butcher an entire cast, you should at least do it with proper spelling and grammar.
Bob W:
Please e-mail me directly, would you? I would like to discuss something with you off-board.
Claudia
bukigreco@aol.com
(Since the freakin’ typepad direct-click-to-e-mail links STILL aren’t working! Ruhlman, please talk to typepad, would you?)
You’re missing the whole point of TNFNS: they’re looking for the one has enough “personality” to do yet another one of those “drive around the country eating someone else’s cooking” shows (that so far Bobby, Giada, the Deen boys, Alton Brown, Rachael “Overexposed” Ray, and last year’s winner Guy Fieri have done), while fooling the audience into thinking they’re watching something new!
Oh yeah, Bourdain does one of those shows too, doesn’t he? But at least he’s on the Travel Channel and is actually both knowledgeable AND entertaining.
More on Dennfield
http://www.jimhightower.com/node/6124
er, uh… Deenfield
@”Chef” Suzy
“Tony: I was searching for the clip of you eating that lightly seared beast asshole on TV, and I couldn’t find it. I did find this, so in case you’ve forgotton, your lobotomy (courtesy of the Ramones) awaits at:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=gRxthSzhCFk
…it must have been put together by somebody who knows of your, ahem…proclivities, since it includes Rachael in a bikini, several shots of Sandra, and the live beast (before you ate it’s asshole)…”
Hey, that’s my video! LOL. Yes, I tried to include the things Tony finds to be evil and mediocre in our labotomized culture. Plus he loves The Ramones.
This post by ‘Rory’ can’t possibly be the real Rory from the NFNS? Can it?:
“Wow, I’m just honored to have made your top three out of the wannabees! That Rocks and you Rock. You scare the hell out of me, but in a good way. Ever since reading Kitchen Confidential, you have been kinda of a mystery to me. Are you as tough and mean as you seem? Probably! But hell you talanted. Well enough of me blowing smoke up your ass. Keep watching our show I promise it will make you sick!
Just look at those expletives! Would The Food Network police approve of such language? And how about her statement that she likes Bourdain? My guess is that the contestants’ contracts forbid them from mentioning the ‘dark one’ and his NR show. Also, I find it strange that not one contestant mentions Bourdain, No Reservations, A Cook’s Tour, or any of his books on his or her MySpace profiles.
I think you have been blacklisted, Tony. Don’t worry though, you have many loyal fans out there who admire your work and adore your charm and wit.
Many thanks for the gentle correction, INAY. Clearly, I need to be spending those gawdawful hours of Sunday morning doing something other than blogging and waiting for the Ambien to kick in.
Michael,
I hate to be tedious, but before you post Tony’s comments I think you owe it to him and yourself to clean up the “typos.”
It’s a very public forum he’s on and it doesn’t set a great example to see spelling errors such as “negligable”.
This is definitely not to take away from his writing; some of the worst spellers have been the best writers (Gerald Durrell was famous for his inability at spelling) but as a pseudo-editor, you should vet Tony’s stuff before it goes up.
Cheers
Nick
I’ve only seen tonight’s episode of this show but I think this pretty much nailed everything I’ve seen. Hilarious.
One minor quibble, not only can an openly gay man win this thing but they can get their own show too. The first season’s winners are an openly gay duo who share a child together. They got picked up after their six episode trial and have done two seasons so far. Sadly, it’s relegated to some godawful hour on Sunday mornings which is a shame because their food seems the most “appetizing and still doable” on FN.
TC is my favorite of the cooking shows I’ve seen but that’s only because of the greatness of the first season. I hope they right things with this season.
So, tonight, Colombe and Tommy get the AX. Tony’s pix are still in the mix.
Nurse, quickly — get that woman a liter of ass juice STAT!
“…CREATIVE CONTROL OVER THE BLOG THAT IS ATTACHED TO UR NAME AND BEGIN TO EDIT THE RESPONSES…”
OH MY GOD!!!
Sztern: this a new thing called “blog”. The only rules are “If you don’t like it, you don’t hafta look at it!”.
So why you lookin’ at it if you don’t like it?
If you wanna write to someone who pretends to be surprised or concerned about Tony’s bestiality issues and/or his scatological dining preferences, perhaps you might consider a tasteful email to the Travel Channel. I won’t change anything, but it might make you feel better.
Or maybe you can just hop on over to the Food Channel’s website where everything’s all nice and clean for ‘ya. Don’t worry — they will never let Tony near Sandra’s ass at Xmas time, no matter how much he begs.
The rest of us are quite pleased watch those crazy boys do for money and fame what no normal person in their right mind would do. Bourdain and esteemed colleague Zimmern act as our culinary proxies whilst we sit in the safety and comfort of our own living rooms squealing with glee with at adrenaline rush triggered by one of my personal favorite guilty vicarious pleasures, schadenfreude.
Re: Ruhlman
I used to think the guy had some taste and some writing chops, but something about that whole monsterpig episode cooinciding with the airing of Tony’s televised consumption of a stuffed raw beast’s asshole (while B’s own voiceover intoned his own favorite scatological terms like “Hershey highway”, “fudge packing”, and “poop-chute”) seems to have shaken something loose in even Ruhlman’s brain, as indeed, it seems to have shaken something loose in the entire collective psyche.
Now, even our man Ruhlamn is inviting his best pal Tony to “…go sit on a corncob”.
Ironically it seems to be some sort of universal truth that the biggest prudes are actually the people who find this sort of thing most titillating — perhaps even obsessively compelling?
Personally, I find it compelling enough to tune in just to see if there are any posts opening with; “Ruhlman, you pile of steaming horseshit…”, and “Bourdain, you taint licker, go suck donkey dong!”…
…but then I LIKE my writers raw and uncut.
The “Justice at Smithfield” page already has a response for Ms. Deen:
http://www.smithfieldjustice.com/
–parkbench
That would make me the entire other end of the spectrum from Badger – I don’t watch any of it anymore.
The last 3 to go (though they’re still getting recorded on the DVR but not watched) are HK, F Word, and Ming Tsai’s East Meets West. I deleted FN from my channel list entirely.
F Word and its blond, blue-eyed hot tempered Scottish chef Ramsay has been replaced with a blond-haired, blue-eyed Irishman in firefighter uniform (Denis Leary) instead.
The rest of the DVR is taken up with hysterically uncoordinated Japanese game show contestants (Most Extreme Elimination Challenge), everything that Adult Swim puts on (except Squidbillys), and Criss Angel episodes (picture Cirque de Soleil meets the N.Y. fetish scene with a moderate amount of simulated gore and you’re there!)
Still proudly on display in my kitchen though – the French Laundry Cookbook and Bourdain’s Les Halles cookbook.
I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I watch them all — TNFNS, TC, and HK along with reruns of MasterChef Goes Large on BBCA. I like them all for different reasons.
TNFNS I probably like least because I watch precious few shows on that network anymore (Michael Chiarello, Giada, and the occasional drunken Sandra Lee marathon because OH MY GOD, how can you not love her just a little bit? she’s like FN’s village idiot).
I like HK because I like Ramsay. I watch Kitchen Nightmares and The F Word as well and came to respect him through those shows, so HK is pure entertainment for me. I can’t help it, I love watching him yell at people. Is that so wrong?
TC I just flat out love, because the cheftestants amaze and delight me with every episode. I have no professional training at all — I’m just a home cook — and they do shit that I would never think of in a million years.
My favorite, though, is BBCA’s MasterChef because it’s stripped down to just cooking with no real drama. And because I’m fascinated by the picture of British cuisine that it presents. (I watch Rick Stein’s Food Heroes for the latter reason also. What is this “life” of which you speak, and where can I get one?)
MICHAEL, I THINK IT IS TIME TO TAKE SOME CREATIVE CONTROL OVER THE BLOG THAT IS ATTACHED TO UR NAME AND BEGIN TO EDIT THE RESPONSES.
i am no prude but i certainly wouldn’t want this blog to be attributed to my name….especially with the high profile contributers,,,(yes, i do mean that)
every time bourdains name comes up i hear about ‘taint.’ asshole or not the man rules. he is the phil leatardo of the culinary world.
every time bourdains name comes up i hear about ‘taint.’ asshole or not the man rules. he is the phil leatardo of the culinary world.
Hey everybody! Guess who’s shilling for Fields of Shit? None other than Bobby & Jamie Deen’s Mama. Right there on the homepage.
http://www.smithfield.com
Let’s ignore Amy and Rory’s fucked up teeth and talk about something of real importance related to FN… and that is the upcoming June 25 episode of Aunt Sandy’s show in which she does “Restaurant Remakes: Bobby and Mario” — and I quote directly from the episode description on TVFN’s web site: “Sandra is getting inspiration from two Food Network friends. She’s taking her favorite restaurant recipes from Bobby Flay and Mario Batali, and adding her signature shortcuts.”
What. The. Fuckity. Fuck.
Bourdain, surely you can pass along to Batali that I will be happy to join a class action lawsuit should he decide to take that path once he sees a can of Chef Boy-ar-dee ravioli crapped up with a ranch dressing packet and 6 cups of vodka, cooked for 27 hours in a Crock Pot and passed off as something from Babbo’s menu.
Hey Swampy — WTF are you are you doing in here at this time of the night/morning?
Hot Damn! You a chef? NAHHH!!! This is just “off the cuff” blog for you? Where’d you get this big swingin’ brain?
“Cognitive dissonance…”
… Jesus Mary mother of Christ! I haven’t heard or seen this sort of intellectual mudslinging since Berkeley when I was an undergrad, and that was back when the drugs made you think deeper and harder!
“…American mantra chants that the cream rises to the top but the reality is that the masses want to see their own whip the cream or as they call ‘em, the elites…”!
Ouch! Now you’re hurtin’ me with this shit!!!
Yeah — I’d pay to see you whip your own cream, you betcha!
Mee-ooow, whip-CRACK!
Ok. So there’s a special kind of cultural cognitive dissonance going on in TNFNS. The American mantra chants that the cream rises to the top but the reality is that the masses want to see their own whip the cream or as they call ‘em, the elites. How else can you explain this show and Bobby Flay’s Throwdown?
And Tony, you missed the memo. Gay men are allowed to be guests because *everyone* knows that they are the best arbiters of all things domestic. Heck, one of Queer Eye’s most enthusiastic fan clubs were a bunch of grandmothers in Peoria. But there’s a limit. Part of Queer Eye’s success was that it was hermetically sealed in NYC. That way grandmaw could be entertained by gays at night and vote “republican family values” by day.
FN won’t risk offending Branson by offering any show hosted by an openly gay man. Gay men might get to the rubber round, they might even win, but they won’t get a show.
And as you so astutely observed, Tony, competent women must get the shaft. It’s the law. Sara Moulton may not have been the most riveting personality on FN, and I found her Mrs Muffy Suburbia persona grating, but she had made her bones, she was a Culinary grad, and she knew what she was doing. So, of course, she’s no longer on FN. Her web site says that she’s hoping to seal a deal with PBS. This does not bode well for Amy or any other competent woman hoping to land a show.
Other posters have been skirting the obvious but I’ll come right out and say it. Female contestants who are too confident, too competent, too independent and too passionate often read as just too dykey. Julia Child would never get a show on FN today because married or no, she was way too Francophile and way too unpredictable. Smith College? OSS? The Left Bank? WGBH in Cambridge? What more proof do you need that she was *that* kind of woman?
And speaking of that kind of woman, how far would the culinary equivalent of Rachel Maddow get on the FN? Something well short of the rubber round, I’m thinking. Our loss, for sure.
Tony: I was searching for the clip of you eating that lightly seared beast asshole on TV, and I couldn’t find it. I did find this, so in case you’ve forgotton, your lobotomy (courtesy of the Ramones) awaits at:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=gRxthSzhCFk
…it must have been put together by somebody who knows of your, ahem…proclivities, since it includes Rachael in a bikini, several shots of Sandra, and the live beast (before you ate it’s asshole)…
TO: fuck you
Re: fuck you
Fuck you: you ignorant asshole!
Look it up:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taint_%28slang%29
1. taint
The area between the nutsack and asshole that prevent a man from shitting on his nuts. See durf.
If it wasn’t for the taint, my nuts would reek of poo!
HA! You don’t even tell the diff between a cooch and a durf!
You a PASTRY chef or somethin’?
To: Fuck You
Re: fuck you
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taint_%28slang%29
“The word taint is derived from the combination of the words “it” and “ain’t” run together to form the portmanteau “taint.”"
Fuck you; I stand corrected!
“…nibbling corn nuts out of Sandra Lee’s ass…”
Jeez Tony, you have already demonstrated to the whole wide world on television that you have no prob with eating ass — and raw animal ass at that.
Actually, maybe it wasn’t really quite raw. I guess it was more of a “lightly seared” asshole.
Whatsamatta? You gotta problem with HUMAN ass?
Ruhlman: I thought you we’re joking when you said that Tony has bestiality “issues”. Obviously Mr. B has no issues eating raw beast ass ( I was gonna say “shit out of raw beast’s ass”, but I thought that this might be a bit too much even for you two…).
Maybe Tony has a problem with corn nuts?
> I’m still trying to make my NYC born mom comprehend that the term is a contraction of the term “’tis ain’t”. THIS part make no sense to her…
Probably because iT AIN’T.
It ain’t your asshole and it ain’t your cooch, see?
It TAINT!
PS: I emailed my 74yr old mother the Ruhlman/Monsterpig discussion, and then I had to try to ’splain to her(eeek!) what a “t’aint” is…
She had no prob comprehending the reference as soon as I described the physical location, but I cannot get her to understand the origins of the word.
I’m still trying to make my NYC born mom comprehend that the term is a contraction of the term “’tis ain’t”. THIS part make no sense to her…
That’s my mom!
Oh yeah: Hey Toe-NEE — my mom is your biggest fan!
She likes you so much, she’s even willing to overlook look the NJ thing…
Padma Lakshmi burns my ass…only because she makes it so fucking obvious just how unfair life is.
She cooks, she writes, she (apparently) eats and keeps it down — and yet she still looks like that!
Life’s is just SO unfair!
Ok Bourdain/Ruhlman, what’s the (ahem…) skinny on her?
…and don’t try and pretend like you guys don’t know nuthin’, ’cause I’m sure you boys have discussed this amongst yourselves! (And what’s up with her and Chef Tom? I sense a change in the body language between P. and T. on T.C. this season…)
Oh — and kudos to Ruhlman for spelling “bestiality” correctly. I say Mr. R based still holds a slim lead based purly on correct spelling, grammar and punctuation — but it’s close…%^P
oops – i meant to direct my comment about lack of diversity to skelow73
Je t’aime, Tony! I continually find myself disappointed with the network, but still watch it. I hate how they put these cooks through pointless exercises even though their current stars didn’t have to jump through the same hoops.
And to sorcha: Yeah, I’ve noticed how both Af Am contestants were already eliminated, not to mention the Brazilian. The Food Network totally caters to whitey now, I guess. Emeril’s in-studio band just doesn’t count.
Does anyone have any feelings re: the lack of diversity on the FN? How many shows about Italian cooking can one Network host? And only White men and women cook? I remember they used to have Padma Lakshmi and Ming Tsai, as well as an African American woman who made West Indian Food. Anyone heard from Cakeman?
Now, FN premieres their “Next” and within the first 2 episodes, both Af Am contestants are eliminated. I guess Black people don’t cook or eat. Let’s not even mention the fact there are no Asia or Indian contestants.
“The Most Dangerous Game”, Skawt? Though in this case it’d be more like the lamest game.
Ruhlman:
How about a new reality show? We take all of these contestants that think they’re going to be the next hot shit in the culinary world, and then we lock them in a room with Tony one at a time where he proceeds to beat them in the head with a coal shovel.
Or just let them loose in a wilderness environment, and you and Tony drive around in a Land Rover wearing safari gear and take them out with big bore rifles.
I generally love your writing and this is a good review but there’s a typo in the first paragraph.
Rory,
Nothing makes me happier than watching a moroon (hat tip to Bugs Bunny) like you slam something like Fox while referring to Hell’s Kitchen as HC. Look, never stop posting, comedy like this can’t be found, except maybe on The Simpson’s, but you’ve never seen that because it’s on Faux-TV.
I love you people!
Yes she is an idiot. Yes she will ultimately be the ruin of food television if she stays on for more than one more show…
But corn nuts from her ass under the mistletoe? Sounds like a bit of xmas fun. Blame it on one to many negro modelos.
I don’t get the wanting to be on t.v. thing.
Because of my work I wind up on t.v. (or in print) from time to time. Spent Friday morning filming. I don’t particularly look forward to it. Its a lot of pressure. Among those of us who have the assigned responsibility to appear on camera, the ones who seem to do the best and look the best are the ones who could easily do without it. Something’s gone wrong when someone is camera-hungry, in my opinion.
To those contestants I’d say: Be careful what you wish for – you just might get it (and you will likely be disappointed when you do).
“Our research shows that audiences want to see you nibbling corn nuts out of Sandra Lee’s ass under the mistletoe!You have no problem with that, right?”
This is why we love you, Tony
Top Chef.
I was interested, during the tasting panel, to hear Anthony’s comments on the food. Who had chops, who did not. I was anxiously waiting when he took the bite of the deep fried alligator, I could not believe the screen went all black with journey being cranked up. Who was eliminated?
…during the Viet Nam War we called this shit FRAG’n the “Lt.’s” — you are all out to get the guys that tell you what to do & how it’s done — KILLING THE MESSENGER — they call it. At least we’re off Molecular Gastronomy for a while.
Besides, I wanna see Tony eat a ‘live beating’ RATTLE SNAKE’S HEART on FN using only his fingernails to get at it!
-LOL-
if u want stupidity watch Bourdain on the FOODTV.CA network show called “Glutton for Punishment” because i doubt food network would ever air such a heinously ridiculous show…no one picked up on it from my previous post.
Bourdain has no credibility and is in the most sweetest way – a hypocrite.
He dares to talk about other ‘contest shows’ yet never mentions he appeared in an episode of Glutton for Punishment, where….read my post close to the beginning…curious to know if this show also airs in the States? Please anthony, tell me…lol
No one picked up on it?
Bourdian once again floors me with his humor and accuracy. he is the greatest of allies against the axis of stupidity that is the modern big screen ‘foodie’ western world. dude, he is the phil leotardo of the culinary wold. wack on!
lectric lady, what’s wrong with you is probably the same thing that’s wrong with me and makes me watch Big Brother. Sheesh. Sometimes I want to shiv myself!
Tony – thanks as usual for your fun and typically spot-on observations.
Vivien (you erroneously referred to her as “Adrien”) is a TA at my culinary school here in SoCal, and she’s a teriffic woman. In a sense I’m glad she went early because it means I won’t have to watch any more of NFNS with it’s weirdly ambiguous criteria for a “winner”.
I must agree with your assessment of Amy – that her credentials are being held against her I found to be incredibly retarded criticism. That in and of itself speaks volumes on the Food Network’s enthusiasm in the dumbing down of anything food related. “Knowledge? Experience? Education? FUCK THAT, not what we’re looking for.”
Plus let’s face it, her jacked teeth are a liability. I dig ‘em anyways.
I LOVE this! Everyone pulling out their shivs.
I don’t watch HC because it is on Fox and I boycott anything Faux. I watch both the others and love them because they are Camp. My list of Cons on both would outweigh the Pros, but I watch them anyway because, God help me, I love to watch slo-mo train wrecks. I also love The Amazing Race, probably for the same reason. What is WRONG with me?
It’s not the Gourmet Network.
Some of us like seeing Joe Bob win the annual Barbeque Chili Cookoff in Bumblef*ck Arkansas.
Wow, I’m just honored to have made your top three out of the wannabees! That Rocks and you Rock. You scare the hell out of me, but in a good way. Ever since reading Kitchen Confidential, you have been kinda of a mystery to me. Are you as tough and mean as you seem? Probably! But hell you talanted. Well enough of me blowing smoke up your ass. Keep watching our show I promise it will make you sick!
Thanks for the update about the FN. It’s a wonderful reminder of why I don’t watch that network anymore. The other night on a rerun of Frasier they mentioned the FN as a place where one could find interesting cooking info and I had to laugh, it’s been such a long time since there’s been anything interesting in that part of the boob tube.
I enjoyed the newest episode of Top Chef, however, as at least here one can see chefs really trying to make something new, challenging and intriguing. And I LOVED the guy who wouldn’t take crap from Tony, even quoting one of his books back at him as a defense.
Take that! Ouch.
It is too bad that a channel that is named after something we love (food) has been relegated to pleasing the deep-fried masses and only representing the most mass-produced and industrial versions of what we call food.
Cheers!
Whoa…the previous poster and I mentioned Tuschman & Julia Child almost simultaneously. That’s scary…
Weren’t the two guys who won the first “Next Food Network Star” gay?
The only thing I’ve watched on FN in years is Good Eats and occasionally Iron Chef. Other than that, for me, that network is a waste. The whole channel is just Advertainment. It’s honestly not even worth discussing anymore. I actually tried to watch TNFNS last night while I drifted off and had to turn it off. It was that bad.
The only two “food” shows I really like are No Reservations and Top Chef, and Top Chef came damn close to losing me last season (yet another advertisement). From the first episode, season three seems like it has more to offer, and as a fan of Bourdain, I was happy to see him as a guest on show one.
As for Hell’s Kitchen, what is that crap? I watched it for the first time a couple of weeks ago and made it about 5 minutes before turning it off. Same with Ramsey’s F Word. I just can’t get into that guy.
For me, I want to watch these shows to learn something, and I don’t feel like I’m learning anything from anyone other than Alton and Bourdain (more about culture and anthropology from him). I’d love to see a show geared toward the more advanced home chef, but I’m learning that it’s not the norm, so why would a network put money into it? Advertisers sure won’t so what’s the point?
Top chef is the only show that I have witnessed since it’s inception. However, I do believe that each show has a different perspective on the industry and that’s ok. Frankly, the Next Food Network Star is mostly about what you can do and how you look on TV. Hell’s Kitchen is a big joke in a way, much like everything on fox, but it’s the only show that depicts what it looks like in an actual restaurant.
So what we have is one show that is completely focused on how you look on tv, and another that is more concerned with being controversial and using cusswords. (Do we honestly think that every member of the male team should have been dismissed on episode 2?) Top Chef focuses a lot on the food and I feel like the decisions really reflect that.
I think that Bourdain is a blowhard. Ok, he’s published books, who-hoo! Basically his reputation is to eat brains and drink blood and deride others! Pretty much, he figures out what and how he can criticize others and then does it in the most brash way possible. He tried this on Top Chef the other night, but it was obvious for what it was. I have much more respect for Tom Collichio than I’ll ever have for him.
Speaking of marrow bones (boy, I have a tendency to run off on tangents lately), did any one see the episode of Iron Chef with Tim Love vs. Morimoto? One of Love’s dishes was his famous “prairie butter” which is a split bison femur. He told Steingarten that marrow is low in fat, since it is “degenerated protein”. Boy was he wrong about that — marrow is almost all fat! In any case, it looked delicious. Has anyone here ever had Love’s marrow dish?
I’ll go off tangent with you, maybe Ruhlman should open up a message board?
I saw that episode. One of the things that inspired me to try this (first time roasting bones), but the only recipe I could find was Fergus Henderson’s so that is what I am making.
I’d like to try Love’s “prairie butter” it was a chipotle rub on there wasn’t it?
anthony,
think you could write on top chef? I’m just an amateur food freak, but I do dig your opinion. From what my untrained eye can see, it is the best of the genre. Not that your appearance on it mounts to an endorsement of its worth, but it was good to see an appearance by someone i know of.
Is The Next Food Network Star “brought to you by” Massengill? Because, if it’s not, it should be.
Change the channel Tony!
I just keep picturing Senior Vice President of Programming Bob Tushman addressing Julia Child: “Cool it with all the French words already. Very few people in our audience have been to France or even know where it is. It’s like you’re saying you’re better than everyone because you’ve been to France. And all these mistakes you keep making will ultimately cost you viewers. I’m thinking it would be great for your career if you laid off the cream puffs and lost a few pounds. (Is 40 a few?) Screw it, bring in Giada. Has she agreed yet to change the spelling of her name?”
Agree with you Tony. Real culinary skills took a backseat on TVFN long ago.
I can just hear Tuschman if 40 year old Julia Child walked in: “Too old, too frumpy, talks funny – who the hell let her in the audition?”
Oh Sorcha, you little mind reader you! I wanted to hit Tiffany with a clog when she got so snotty about Awful Waffle on the resume. It is those types that make it suck for people who have to actually really work their way up. The beauty is karma biting them in the ass after shaking Texas Pete all over it.
Back to the topic of FN media darling contest, I do believe if you scratch the sufrace,it is truly different than HK or TC. I will go out on a limb and purport that we who dislike a network have in fact sampled it.Therefore we all realize trying to be a chef on tv has different winning criteria than trying to be a star on tv. I think the perky smile challenge, the the how fast can you autograph something race, and the name that endorsement game on upcoming episodes will make this all clear.
I watch HK because I think Gordon’s hot.
ditto t-scape. Well that and him calling complete idiots f’ing donkeys. Such a great catharsis.
Is that like “The Incredible Mr. Limpet?”
Gordon IS hot, dude. And he’s been pretty nice to Aaron so far. I’ve been yelling at the TV for the guy to take a Midol and get back to work already, and Gordon’s been very patient. Also, I cheered when Tiffany was eliminated, because of her snotty little “Waffle House” comment about Julia. Yeah, Julia works at the Waffle House, but she can fry a damn egg, unlike you. Techniques and methods can be taught; work ethic and being a team player can’t. Julia’s got both of those.
The first ep of Top Chef was pretty entertaining. I made the mistake of watching the hourlong catfight that preceded it, but ten minutes of Tony made up for the trainwreck that was “4star All-Stars.” What I want to know is, when is Ruhlman going to be a guest judge on Top Chef? I would pay cash money to watch he and Tony judging together, in fact.
Have been cowering in fear from the Food Network Star thing. Thankfully, Tony’s here to throw himself on the holy hand grenade and recap it for us.
Great review of the show, now I why I have not been able to bring myself to watch TNFNS since season one. It’s just awful. If Paul were to win, wouldn’t he actually be the second winner of the show that was gay? Those two party planners boys aren’t openly gay? I thought the angle of the show was that they are boyfriend party planners, am I wrong?
This year is the first season of Hell’s Kitchen that I have watched. Little did I know that I was a qualified contestant. I have no professional experience or training, I can under cook scallops, heat up frozen gnocchi, fry an egg and sweat in your food under pressure. I would be on week 3 already!
TC is my show. This season looks like it has some people who can really cook, not that I’m a great judge of culinary skill, but a lot of the stuff looked pretty impressive and no one even used an xanthum gum. My wife did pick on me though, and taunt me that “my boyfriend” was going to be guest judge. I might have to force her to try some marrow this weekend when I roast some marrow bones.
you had me at bonobo-puke
Let me start by saying that I hope that when the contestants kiss his ass, he’s at least as hospitable as Sandra Lee, who had the decency to supply corn nuts.
After reading much of Russ Parson’s “How to Pick a Peach” and getting another copy of “Reach of a Chef,” (I gave away four copies, only one was a paperback) I’m starting to realize that when there are issues that people are shrill about (like growing vegetables and making food-oriented shows), there is usually a lot more complexity for each party than either side will admit to. I am cocksure (though my brain hasn’t completely decided) that Tony’s rants are mere flippant frippery meant more to tickle than burn.
Seeing how the stars of FN hold to the mantra “I’m-not-a-chef,” I’m surprised they haven’t come up with a show called “Dumbass,” where some hapless bastard makes all the mistakes FN usually hides and has an Evil Ed McMahon type sidekick pointing out why they are mistakes.
I volunteer, based on my unimpeachable qualifications, except that my parents were married when I was born.
The worst part of the “Next…” is we audiences can even predict and see through what the FN wants to do next. I could even picture their “corporate meeting” before the show. they should just hire a pretty face to teach how to cook.
As for HK, It’s straight entertainment, has nothing to do with food. (personally i want the asian guy elminated, his sweat made me really nervous last time yikes)
It would be nothing different if the show was called “Hell’s clothing store” or “Hell’s fish market”.
I like Top chef. First season was awesome, open up the door of the culinary world to the public and excuted well. but 2nd season was disaster. Bravo liked a little drama from season 1 and thought audience wants to see more of it so they focused on drama than food on season 2 and realized that was bad idea but it was too late. no one liked season 2. Everyone from season 2 were totally overrated. They were just COOKs.
So this time, they had to plan season 3 similar to the 1st one and choosing Tony as a first guest judge, Bravo is thinking and thinking well. Am I a ass kisser? I am. hahaha.
ps the episode i speak of involves bob blumer training for some new york event involving waiters running a contest while carrying a tray of drinks??
Ruhlman — I think you’re underestimating the audience for Top Chef. Of course, I would think this, simply because, of the three, that’s the one I watch. Still…
On TC, it’s pretty clear that “winning” may get you some scratch (although, really, is $100K enough to do much of anything?) and brief notoriety, it isn’t going to lead down the path to celebrity chefdom or, even, that weird celebrity that Bourdain has. Most of these cooks will wind up back on the line or, maybe, at the top of the power structure in a restaurant or two — but it is a show more about their ability to cook, rather than their ability to present “cooking.”
Of the three — HK, TC, and TNFNS — TC is the only one that I watch because they are doing something that I know I couldn’t do. TNFNS is more about presentation. HK is more about handling being yelled at. I’m not saying that I, personally, would do either of these well — but I can imagine doing them.
But TC, with its challenges, would simply baffle me. Given black chicken, I’d stare at it for 2 hours, then tuck it between two slices of bread and call it a sandwich. The fact that the cheftestants were able to make food that was not only edible but, it seems, pretty good, I find amazing.
Which is why I watch most of the TV I watch, come to think of it. And I’m fairly certain I’m not alone.
What’s worse, eating corn nuts out of Sandra Lee’s ass, or eating them off of her Kwanzaa cake?
Anthony..i don’t want to give too much away, but wasn’t that you appearing on a Foodtv.ca episode of a most idiotic show not seen in the US called Glutton for Punishment? Starring a no talent Bob Blumer who cooks on another show out of a large vehicle shaped like a TOASTER, while he cooks salmon out of a dishwasher??? (Isn’t that unhealthy?)I would not want to think that this show is not shown in the US…or is it???
How did that happen?
Now, even I think that show is hideous and yet there u were standing outside your les halles taking up a good part of that episode…for all u americans check out foodtv.ca..which by the way could have been recent or last year since we tend to be a year behind..;.ie Top Chef #2 hasn’t shown the last episode yet…TOM DO U HEAR THAT -GET UR MANAGEMENT TEAM ON THAT..IT’S A WHOLE NATION MISSING OUT@!@
Rhulman, check it out!! Anthony the only difference between what u want and Trump has is money!! in fact, outside of the travel channel, i think that is the first time i have seen u on a food network show besides judging top chef