RUHLMAN’S NIGHTMARE COME TRUE

by Bourdain

Yes. Of course I watched NEXT FOOD NETWORK STAR. It’s your worst, most nightmarish vision of the future realized, isn’t it, Ruhlman? Minimally talented wannabe cooks of negligable to moderate experience compete to become "Celebrity Chefs" based on a focus group-like criteria of "likeability" while food and cooking ability (such as it is) take a distant back seat. All to record breaking ratings for FN!

I love it. I think it’s a useful window into the real heart and soul of the Food Network, a cautionary tale, morality play and case study of the kind of pathological narcissism and exhibitionism that drives people to grope strangers in hot tubs, vomit in public, share their cellulite with the world, bunk with a drunken Mini-Me and generally humiliate themselves utterly in the cause of Being On Television.  That the "food" mostly looks like bonobo-puke is entirely beside the point. The show gives us exactly what it promises: shows us  both the naked truth  about What It Takes to be the Next David Leiberman–and the terrible cost. (David, from what I understand, will "no longer be continuing with the network).

The egotism of the contestants–their touching blind faith that if they could just have a show on Food Network, everything in their lives will be okay, is almost..beautiful–if delusional.

"Being a Food Network Star, you’ve got to think on your feet," says one contestant in Ep One. Not really. You can pretty much read off cue cards, judging from Emeril’s wisely phoned in appearance. Or sleepwalk through–like the obliging Bobby.

Patrick’s heartfelt identification with "local, local, fresh fresh, fresh," for instance, put him right in the headlights of the network’s raison d-etre: "Fast, Cheap, Easy and Available At Any SuperMarket." No surprise he gone.

The hopelessly inarticulate Tommy, too kind hearted to throw colleagues under the train (an essential TV skill)  is clearly dead meat.

Adrien, was too old and too Brazilian to get the gig. They don’t even like GUESTS or SUBJECTS who have accents on FN. She "talks funny". The audience "won’t understand her" . That they put her on in the first place was cruel. Cannon fodder. And the producers surely knew it. She was on there to get kicked off.

JAG is too threatening. Something Net Exec Bob Tushman candidly pointed out. They like personality on FN. Just not your own personality.

The spacy Colombe comes off like Squeaky Fromme. There’s a tripped out messianic vibe to her Personal Mission to share the glory of Healthy and Organic food with the public that would NEVER sit well with an audience of Twizzler and Ho-Ho eaters. Hell, she scares ME. Her total disconnection from reality should make entertaining television however–right up until her psychotic break, when she comes in with her head shaved, a little "X" carved in her forehead and a butcher knife and takes a lunge at Tuschman.

Michael has no chance–as he’s too capable, too professional and too experienced. Even if he GOT the gig, he’d no doubt quickly hang himself from shame when he got the Full Picture. ( "Michael! It’s a Holiday Special! Our research shows that audiences want to see you nibbling corn nuts out of Sandra Lee’s ass under the mistletoe!You have no problem with that, right?)

Amy is too capable, too hard, and waay too French-centric. As the judges–again–candidly and astutely pointed out. FN likes food their audience can pronounce.  Her Cordon Bleu experience, leadership skills and cooking ability–that she’s clearly a strong, capable woman are HUGE liabilities. The judges hate her already–she’s a painful rebuke to everything they stand for–and a painful reminder of their dead, hollow souls–how far over to the dark side they’ve strayed.

On the first episode, Of the heartbreakingly hopeless crop of aspiring stars–few of whom could hold up the fry station at Denny’s, I saw only three who have a hope in Hell:

Rory has CIA training and a personality and looks a bit like Sandra Lee–so maybe, IF her first cooking performance was an abberation; than maybe she’s got a shot.

Adrian, the hunky delivery man comes off okay, has good looks–and the kind of nearly insane certainty in his own wonderfulness which will serve him well in the FN vineyards. A possible winner.

But MY choice for Big Winner is…Paul. Alone among contestants on the first show, he was consistently confident, self assured, reasonably capable..funny and likeable. He worked the food, the wedding crowd and the cameras with real skill. I admired his twin groom wedding cake. And even the Food Net might–at this point in history–be willing to defy their traditional, core audience "older Bible Belt" consituency with an openly gay host in the hopes of attracting newer, younger viewers. I hope so. A sense of humor is a good thing to have–both on camera and off. Paul seems to have one. He’s shrewd (see the "polenta incident"), opportunistic (his preparing something for the bride and groom’s small dog was brilliant), and he was working those won tons like a pro. His gayness–a history of being an outsider might be an asset; good armor against the soul-destroying chores ahead. He’s the only guy I’m rooting for to win–and the only one who might be able to survive and thrive at the job should he get it.