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Oh, the drama! The humanity!
Is it because I watch Next Food Network Star with a three month old girl on my lap that I find it increasingly compelling? Is it because I’m looking through a pink tinted prism these days that I’m finding Bob Tuschman sympathetic ? I lost big money when my favorite, Paul, was–shockingly–dropped in the chopper and yet…I’m not bitter. Maybe it’s the excitement of seeing a resurgent Amy (who I had written off) become a clear front runner (and deservedly so). Or the curiously sweet spectacle of Rambo Junior, weeping into his pillow, crushed that his idol, Bobby Flay, loved him too little. But, Goddamn if I’m not liking this fucking show. I find Tuschman’s comments refreshingly honest, acknowledging the gruesome reality of network realpolitik over cooking ability with unflinching candor–yet erring on the side of mercy for the devastated JAG. Which, by the way, paints the judges into a real corner:
JAG can’t be allowed win. His alleged problems remembering whether or not he’s a war hero–or whether he graduated from culinary school could be…controversial. In a bad way. He comes off as an unstable fantasist–already referring to himself in the third person (which is NEVER a good sign). And his overloading of the grill with chicken parts–causing (surprise!) smoke and flame–was something any backyard griller knows to avoid.
RORY got pissy with the judges when asked to demonstrate her "food expertise" on the fly. While Alton asking ANY of these candidates to explain "panko" or "capsicum" was akin to expecting your Golden Retriever to suddenly start doing card tricks, the judges did NOT like her impertinence (as they clearly did not enjoy Paul’s incredulous "How the fuck should I know?" honesty.)
Which leaves AMY. That she didn’t seem to even WANT the job a couple a weeks ago makes her interesting to me. That she’s said her motivation is to provide a better life for her family is startlingly frank and sympathetic. And she can cook. And she was good on camera last week. While I have a hard time picturing her as the host of "America’s Top Ten Drive-Ins" or whatever Sunday morning ghetto slot they have in store for the winner, a working class Ina Garten might be a very good thing. I’m rooting for her.
Whether it’s the butterfly mobiles dangling from my ceiling–the onset of early dementia, or long delayed side effects of past drug use drawing me to the tube Sunday nights, I’ll be watching.
i have a three month old daughter, and i can say without hesitation, that whilst breastfeeding, i watch the mostly insanely stupid crap. AND CARE. but i think the nfns actually is a gateway show to barney, which your three month old will delight in shortly. this is the way of the newly parented. first, rachel ray, then the nfns, then teletubbies, and then you are shit outta luck, my friend.
honestly, i am surprised a 300-lb gay purple dinosaur isn’t actually competing in this show. combine it all. make barney make a fucking terrine with a smile on his face. then robert irvine looks deadpan in the camera saying, “dino-mite”.
I love reading this shit! It’s so funny to me that all of you are so sure you know whats what and how things are. First this is a EDITED TV show. They cut and paste ALOT. For us the finalist we love to see each week how the producers are going to create drama. Its fun for us and I must say these story producers are super talented. Well, I’m glad you guys are enjoying the show and make sure you tune in This Sunday there is a Huge Twist………Huge……… Even Shocked the shit out of me! So enjoy and if i do make it to the final 2, haha to all of you that thought i wouldn’t and If i don’t Yeah Yeah watch me walk away with my Tail between my legs…. Either way it was a blast and i wish you all had a chance to see what really went down and who are the truely great chefs. Remember editing is everything, they can make a ant look like a elephant if they want too.
Tony enjoy it while u can, they grow up too damn fast and require too much damn money…and breast milk is only good when u suckle it urself,,,So, there I go, into my kitchen where my son (21) stood with a bowl of salad greens and a mise en place of bowl, whisk, eggs, dijon mustard and my very best EVOO that costs 50.00 a can. Irritated, I asked what he was doing and his response made me ask again. He was making a Caesar Salad and was whisking and emulsifying the ingredients for his dressing. I looked at him and for a second I didn’t know who he was, as I digested his words.
My son, my baby, was emulsifying a salad dressing. For a split second I felt the blood drain from my body and I saw a stranger- “a man.” The years I have spent reading cookbooks, experimenting in the kitchen, ordering takeout and market shopping all came to fruition that very second in the kitchen where we stood. My son was cooking on his own – creating from memory and taste.
The magnitude of this moment was almost too much for me to bare and it will stand as the third momentous event equal to his first word and first step.
Almost as incomprehensible a fervor is the delayed reaction that he shares my passion. As a mother, I have just been blown away. Probably the same way his father felt when he found the used Trojan wrapper on the back seat of son’s car.
I’d like to know who really wrote this. Because it isn’t the Tony Bourdain I thought I knew. What’s next, Tony – an appearance at next year’s Food Network Awards?
Is Amy a Tina Fey character?
Just discovered your blog. Solid writing with an interesting point-of-view. NFNS is clearly a much more honest show than Top Chef or Hell’s Kitchen. I’ve dropped HK and might drop TC.
Still blogging on both NFNS and TC once-per-week or so. Usually Snarky stuff but praise where it’s warranted. Rory’s rack, for example.
as
http://femdomfuture.blogspot.com
Do you think Sunday’s will be the episode in which JAG finally snaps, climbs the top of the carriage house, and sprays everyone with automatic weapon fire? Or will that be pre-empted by another Amy meltdown? This might call for a bag full of Momofuku steamed pork belly buns and some vodka . . . I don’t think I can manage this one without some serious munching . . .
Oh, and Frank, it is absolutely possible to be a working-class gourmet. (It’s actually the premise of my blog.) There are scholarships and grants, and having studied in France doesn’t mean you can necessarily fly there on the drop of a hat. Amy’s clearly developed her palate– which is something you can do just as easily by going to your farmer’s market or a Chinatown hole in the wall instead of Per Se.
I adore TC and I’ve been watching HK but I kinda feel dirty afterwards. What kind of drinking game do you play, every time Chef Ramsay says “FUCK” you take a drink? I think you’d get more wasted if you took a drink every time he ended a sentence with “Yes?” or “Yeah?” He’s so cute. Ooh, his restaurant wrecking show looks like it will be fun to watch!
I LOVED the LV No Reservations episode. I even watched the rerun the other day. Ass Juice indeed. I wanted some of those pommes frites!
But here is what I really need to say: Someone really needs to tell Paula Deen to tone down the orange makeup. If you died her hair green she would look just like an Oompa Loompa. What’s UP with that?
And a little child shall lead them…
say it ain’t so, tony. say it ain’t so.
Amen. I’ve been rooting for Amy. When she had that freakout and asked to be sent home, I got the distinct feeling that her bid to be the Next Food Network Star isn’t getting much support at home. I’m glad they gave her such a vote of confidence– she’s really talented, and seems to be coming into her own. I hope her family decides to support her– she’s got such talent, it would be a shame if she were to be dragged down by guilt.
I can’t believe they didn’t send JAG home. I’m with you, Tony, there’s just something *off* about him…
I still can’t watch this drivel, but I do find Top Chef a guilty pleasure, and HK unintentional comedy and good ‘drinking game’ fodder. With that being said, the Las Vegas ‘No Reservations’ was television gold. Easily the best hour of TV I’ve seen all summer (I won’t go into details to spoil it) other than to say Ass Juice for everyone!
Yep, I sure noticed that Giada and Alton had bees in their bonnets. Alton has always seemed to be an amiable fellow but he sure was a dick last episode. I guess they view the contestants as loser wannabes, but taking it out on them just makes them look unprofessional. Of course, they are probably directed to behave that way. Whatever.
I like Amy and hope she wins, too, since Paul is gone. I really would have sent The JAG home. Everyone hated his food more than they hated Paul’s. I guess it was his lack of tomato knowledge that screwed it up for him. I’ve not had a beef with Rory until she snapped at Alton. “I’m just kidding!” Backpedal much? Not cool.
I love this entry, “I’ll take a pack of Huggies #2’s to go with those Marlboros” could be an alternate title.
I too am curious to see where parenthood takes our Tony other than into sheer exhaustion. Parenthood is a good thing, let’s all get happy and see where it takes us – something new. Forza Ottavia!
Now how come no one has commented on the little lovefest that Paul & JAG had at the end of the show? That’s rainbows and unicorns right there. Way too cute.
Do you really think that Amy is working class? I mean, I found her endearing on the Iron Chef episode as well, but she has studied in France, her show pitch is the “Gourmet Next Door” and her occupation is a stay at home mother!! I’m not even sure that SHE meant her statement to mean that her family was struggling in any way. At all. And if they are, Jesus lady get a job instead of learning how to roll fondant!
Hey T, Whats next, Humming Billy Joel’s “Lulliby” to put the baby to sleep??
Oh, crap – does that mean they can force Mario to guest-judge one ep? I hope he had his lawyer strike that condition from his contract with FN. Tony, aren’t you glad you had some degree of creative control of your own show when A Cook’s Tour aired, and a no cross-plugging clause, to boot? Plugging Bizarre Foods anbd What’s Your Trip for TC is no big deal in comparison, right?
Holly Crap, Strike the Set.
Cancel No Reservations.
Bourdain’s Gone Granola.
Whats Next Liking Rachel Ray???
Lord Help Us all
Has anyone else noticed how NFNS really brings out the dark side of FN guest judge/megaschmucks, i.e. Giada and Alton? (not so much with Bobby & Paula & Tool, although I shiver to see any of them reveal their
particular Dr. Jeckels!!!) Giada & Alton behaved like they had major bugs up their anal crevices.
I got the impression that they were not thrilled to fulfill the NFNS part of their golden FN contract, to say the very least. It will be an interesting experience to see how Rachael Ray fares with bringing the Three Musketeers on her show (and as a judge) in the next episode. How I wish I could have a ginormous margarita before watching that one, but I’m on the wagon for the next 7 weeks.
Actually, Tana, we’ve had great success with our kid with letting him watch the commercials, but talking to him about them. You can’t shield them from commercialism forever – I feel it’s better to equip them to make smart decisions on their own by giving them the ability to understand what the ads are trying to do.
Also, the word “no” is surprisingly effective. “Can I have that?” “No.” *G*
I hope you’re muting the commercials, Tony. It’s one thing to feed that baby network television, but spare her brain from the marketing hypnosis. Lest, in sixteen years, we see you both on that godawful TV show about the spoiled teenaged girls whose daddies deny them nothing.
THANK YOU to Ruhlman for giving your buddy a place here to share his hilarious and insghtful views on the insano show TNFNS. I’m still pissed that Reggie didn’t win last season, and God, could someone please tell whatshername judge to stop talking like she has marbles in mouth….and don’t even get me STARTED on SMARMY LEPRECHAUN BOY (a.k.a The Tuschster) but I digress. Okay, I know this starts off being a teensy bit off-topic, but please humor me, and it winds up foodie-related. First off, I was happily floored (moreso than when TNFNS judges ousted sweet Paul) to learn that you have a gorgeous 3-month old girl. Congrats!! I’m the mom of a 2 yr. old foodie who inhaled MY sauteed scallops the other night, to my chagrin, and then she had the audacity to howl for more of those pricey suckers. I’m 8 months pregnant with girl #2 and the writing of this email has been powered by raging hormones. I beseech you, Tony, please, please, please write a book about YOUR being a new Dad. My husband and I (both “late bloomers” parent-wise who have worked in many restaurant kitchens; he’s 47 and I’m 37) adore all your shows, books and your wacky perspective. We would devour a book about what it’s like to begin fatherhood from your POV. I know that many other of your fans would buy the book too. Hell, if f$%^&ng Jaime Oliver’s WIFE can write a parenting memoir, I KNOW you can do it! And Ariane would get a kick of it down the road….well, maybe.
Hell, you could even include breast milk recipes at the end. (Joke) Warm congrats once again.
Ottavia, if that happens, will you post pictures?
Bob, I’m pretty sure breast milk goes bad after a while, even in the freezer. Fawn over it if you will, but for the love of whatever God you worship, don’t use it.
If you do make something out of it, though, and live, make sure to tell us all about it. *G*
You really do have to watch what you expose them to, Tony. My kid is a ten-year-old snarky sarcasm machine, and it’s all my own damn fault. I should’ve stuck with Teletubbies and Bob the Builder when he was wee, instead of Monty Python and the like. Do you really want your daughter’s first word to be “yummo”?
Let her watch Alton, man. She’ll end up as a science geek who can cook, guaranteed a scholarship to her choice of MIT or the CIA.
Tony
If you run out of breast milk I’ve got some in the freezer. On second thought, forget it. It’s got too much sentimental value.
After my youngest was weaned I kept it to make cheese, but never got around to it.
Nowadays I just like to look at it in there next to the ice pops and frozen basil n’ shit.
What I’m saying here youngblood is that Ruhlman may be right and you are going soft. If you don’t watch it, you may find yourself like me fawning over a container of frozen breast milk and wondering when your wits went south.
nice way to tie it all together Snoozer. LOL
It’s such an emotional season of NFNS. All the weeping and gnashing of teeth makes me wish for Gordon Ramsay as a judge. But I’m afraid he’d get distracted and end up telling Bob and Susie to f**k off. That WOULD be brilliant!
Now you got me curios to watch this show…even if it has Bobby Flay.
But please, tell me that the unicorns at least have knives and brass knuckles, or something!
Patience people…the baby is only 3 months old. Wait until the baby turns 2….we’ll see our old Bourdain back again
Ah, but the burning question for this list is…can you make cultured butter using breast milk? Tony, you’ll have to be our point man on this. Or it could be a Quickfire challenge on Top Chef: Make a FABULOUS dish featuring breast milk as its main ingredient…
Still not watching the show – but I am absolutely enamoured by the pic of Tony with his daughter on the calendar!
A similar word of caution akin to FoodPuta’s….the baby is in her formative years. Are you sure you want her watching FN???? Really really sure??
È vero, Ottavia, è molto vero. And, worse, you can’t slap a man con una piccola bambina in his lap!
Bourdain can tell it like it is, whether breast-milk and baby besotted or hacking his way through the Amazonian underbrush. He’s the mouth of our generation. Well, maybe the stomach.
So Tony’s feeling all soft and fluffy now, eh? That’s ok; it helps remove some of mental road grime one acquires over many years. Plus, he makes a good point about Amy. Watch and see.
As for Owsley, read the latest interview with him in RS mag – I wouldn’t say he is in the best shape.
I too, am hooked. I was hoping last week they dumped all 4, and start over. Rory: nothing special, hell, she didn’t even know what her POV was – panhandle something….JAG: scary…Amy: can’t handle the seperation of family and job? Maybe they will set her up at home ala Paula Deen? I doubt it. Look at last 2 years winners, Guy is on the road with Diners & Dives & the Sunday AM, I’m a cool daddy dude show, and our Party Boys? I lost track..Wake Up contestants..This is a 15 minute of fame game, no one will replace Bobby, Paula, Rachel, etc.. how many multi-shows do they have combined?
Ruhlman, you are just jealous. I know you want to be the only one to sit on Tony’s lap…
oh FFS, even *I* know what panko and capsicum are.
If that’s too much to expect of a professional, then I think the sleep deprivation of having an infant in the house has hit you harder than you think, Bourdain.
So I was thumbing through the new Food and Wine and lo and behold there is an ad for No Reservations along with small pics and Tony’s witty captions about each. So Tony is that new tat on your back from Tahiti on your entire back? It looked pretty impressive and if so, how the hell did you sit for so damn long?
Wow. Bourdain’s gone soft on the “Next Food Network Star”? I never thought I’d see such a thing. Full of suprises, you are, sir.
I was sorry to see Paul go, as well, BTW. He seems to be not much of a cook, but since cooking doesn’t matter much on the FN, who cares? He was fun to watch, kinda sweet, kinda cute. I thought surely he’d outlast the tempest that is JAG. What were the judges thinking? They finally voted for cooking skill over personality?? Even after saying (in antoher episode) they don’t want to work with a volatile personality??? The decision to keep JAG over Paul nearly knocked me outta my seat.
I personally am frustrated by the lack of so called talent on Next Food Network Star and Hell’s Kitchen. I can’t stand Flay’s smugness so I stopped watching along with the fact that it just did not seem that inspired to me. I now watch Hell’s Kitchen just to see who Ramsey’s gonna go ballistic on next. Seems to be no shortage of candidates there….
You better be careful what you expose that daughter of yours to Bourdain. She might grow up the be the “Next Food Network Star”.
I’m still voting for Rory and the cleavage for food concept.
Don’t blame the drugs, Owsley is 72 and in fine shape. Then again, he doesn’t eat any carbs.
No, my vote is for post-partum dementia. Not breast milk, or he’d be rooting for Rory.
Ruhlman’s right. Boil some damned eggs tony-boy!
By the way, breast milk is good on anything.
See my prediction on the earlier FN board – I said that even though I think Amy was good for one more meltdown, I think she’d win. Sorry to see Paul go.
Speaking of adorable little pink unicorn prisms, etc., that was a VERY, very sweet picture of you and your little girl gracing the Gourmet Institute’s calendar to benefit City Meals on Wheels, Tony . . .
I was so happy to see this follow-up on this show. The episode before this caused me to literally hoot in disbelief as Giada and Susie Fogelson were explaining that the contestants needed to fight their demons and then practically described celebrity as a spiritual path. Talking about revealing oneself honestly coming from the form of the fake smile and the carefully planned décolletage that Giada has become, and the surly Ms Fogelson was surreal!
I’ve been rooting for Amy from the beginning yet having no hope for her. Maybe I’ll be proved wrong – I can imagine watching her show and trying her recipes. I’m afraid we may wind up with Rory, but in the end it won’t really matter one way or the other since Sunday is my morning to sleep in!
tony, you embarrassing wuss! what has happened to you? there you are, ditsy and besotted from the smell of breastmilk and oogling your sweet child. Snap out of it! Jesus. I don’t even want to get into the ring with you if you’re going to be like this. You’d wind up like cool hand luke in his fight with george kennedy. it’s no wonder that the one you’re now rooting for is the one who confessed her devotion to family. i find this post is deeply disturbing.
I’d always thought Jag would be more comfortable on Top Chef myself.
As long as Rory and her gums don’t win, I’ll be happy.
Tony, I’m with you. I find Amy more believable and refreshing than most all of the new “talents” FN has flung at viewers the past few years. She’s probably more talented as a cook, too. Her instincts about food seem spot-on, and once she gets some time to feel more comfortable with a camera in her mug all day, she’ll become a tv darling.
I think JAG would be more at home on Hell’s Kitchen… more like boot camp, and he would wipe the floor with most of those bumbling contestants.
I don’t want to jinx this, but I’m glad that Mario hasn’t been dragged into the fray thus far. Well… what am I saying, he’d be paid handsomely for it.