After the confusing, frighteningly eerie, Soviet style public "confession on NFNS last week, I put out feelers to sympathizers within The Organization. The following completely unverifiable document, alleged to be an internal memorandum from the Ministry of Information to the Central Committee, arrived anonymously immediately following last night’s final episode:
"CLASSIFIED: NOT FOR DISSEMINATION! EYES ONLY!
"Citizen JAG did his duty, and ‘repented’ to Comrades Tuschman and Fogelson as arranged. His words, as written by this officer Ministry of Information, expressed appropriate regret–and most importantly, released the Central Committe from blame or liability for his Crimes. Comrade Tuschman’s remarks concerning: "rumors swirling around" are to be commended for their deflection of further questions from the organs of the press. Citizen JAG’s ‘resignation’ was accepted by the Comrades as agreed and he was–on recommendation from the Directorate of Propaganda–invited to join the Victorious Mayday Celebration at which time the "winner" was to be announced. Citizen Amy was returned from Re-Education Camp where she had been undergoing treatment for Anti-Party Utterances like "cocotte" and for suspicion of Foreign Influences.
During a film presentation to the audience, the lingering question of Citizen Rory’s state of origin was neatly deflected–before it could become a problem. Agent Mark Somers, (Code Name: Unctuous Haircut) did a masterful job of keeping the Glorious Ceremonies moving. The former contestants were invited to return and to meet with the Old Comrades and to exchange expressions of Solidarity and Party Spirit before a compliant audience bussed in by our comrades at the Ministry of Transportation. (May I commend them on their work. They would laugh and cheer for a colostomy of requested to do so).
Old Comrade Flay made a serious slip at this time, making reference to the Group of Three who, he claimed, "started" the Network. To compound his Error, he made specific reference to Former Old Comrade Mario–whose photograph we had just succeeded in deleting from our literature and lobby mural. This smacks of Calumny Against The Brand, and the Glorification of the Individual vs. the State. Comrade Flay will be advised of his transgression in private session with the Security Directorate.
Old Comrade Lagasse did his Duty, making a personal appearance. His demeanor, while subdued, did not( as yet) reflect his disappointment with his change of time slot. Suggest an Award of some kind-perhaps at South Beach this year, commending him for his years of service–before retiring him.. This is a problem we have disussed at length with the Committee. Security Directorate, as you know, suggests a more..final approach. This Dept. would have to agree. The Old Comrade does not, as you know, fit in with our plans for the New Vanguard.
Nor does Citizen Amy.
Reeducation has its limits. And her French ways and lack of blondeness pose a serious problem in future. That the viewing audience was allowed to publicly rebuke the Committee by voting her the winner could have been embarrassing to the Maximum Leader–who Herself graciously consented to congratulate the victor. Fortunately, we followed the dictum that "When Confronted with a Steaming, Embarrassing Turd on the Floor, Cover It With Baloons." and it–once again, proved a successful strategy.
Sincerely,
Name Blacked Out Here
Deputy Director, Ministry of Information and Special Services
Food Network"
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Monsieur Bourdain – funny as hell post – please don’t stop. I have never felt worse winning a bet – but I’d rather have Amy then another blond. And too bad Jag lied twice – just once might have spared him – ’cause FN is in dire need of diversity.
>>I think its odd that in the episode prior to the finale, when JAG criticizes the FN for their lack (or their need?) for more latin cooking, they rebuke him. <<
Yes, they rebuked him for being *right*. “No, as of filming, we don’t have anything remotely resembling a latin food show. You noticed the lack of such a show and suggested you might be able to fill that gap, but we don’t like your implications mister. You know, implying something that’s true – that’s just unacceptable.”
I got the feeling Susie thought that JAG was accusing them of being racists or something – which I don’t think he did at all.
And I am pretty sure that even after that Simply Delicioso show airs, we’ll *still* be able to say that the FN doesn’t have a show about latin food. I wonder if, after Amy’s “cocotte” debacle, the host of that show won’t be able to say “sofrito” or “mofongo”. Or is Spanish not as intimidating as French?
I just finished reading Heat by Bill Buford, so as I watched Emeril I just kept wondering if he was recovering from a bender with Batali.
Johnny Canuck, don’t be so excited, it starts here next week! We buy it at discounted prices…
Falco, the “80s music version of Bourdain”? Ouch. Falco was a 1 1/2 hit wonder – Der Kommissar became a hit only after it was covered by others, and Rock Me Amadeus was . . . oh, God. Do we even have to contemplate THAT one?
So Amy and Gummy Bear or Gummy Bear and JAG were in a final cook-off at SOBE? And that episode was mysteriously “disappeared”? Which begs the question – was Tony, by chance, lurking out of frame anywhere? The Central Committee obviously struck harder with that stunt, even before last night’s Toe the Party Line/Snake Oil Fest.
And of course Emeril was heavily drugged. Don’t the do that to all snuff film victims before they start rolling?
Пленник снял пока пытающся для того чтобы избеубежать. That’s “prisoner shot while trying to escape” for those of you who don’t speak Russian. Thanks for the Falco update, Todd.
Falco was sort of the 80s music version of Anthony Bourdain for those unfamiliar with the name.
Can Emeril say anything on camera without reading it off a tele-prompter? His pointing and pauses were especially accentuated last night.
“And now . . . the moment you’ve all . . . . . . been waiting for . . . (ahem) . . . ”
The only way he could have made it less watchable was if he said “Bam! Amy wins!”
I have to agree that I thought the whole set-up reminded me of an infomercial with the staged clapping and cheering. It was weird and fake. Amy probably won’t last any longer than the first 2 guys who won. But I’m glad the audience saw through Gums (who, I realized later, had already been on a reality show! What will she be on next — Hogan Knows Best?)
Alas, I missed this fine finale, for I was having phone sex. Oh wait, was that Vh1’s Rock of Love? Or maybe not? Hmmm. Regardless, thank god this show has ended. Yes, it provided moments of fodder for we, the snark-hungry masses, but the DRAMA was oh too much. Now I ask you, my dear Tony, are you happy now that Amy has triumphed? You invested in her long ago…
I heard that the two finalists did one last cook-off at the South Beach Food and Wine Festival which was supposed to be aired last night, but that was before JAG “resigned” so they had to film this monstrosity in its place.
Dumbchillifying moments included Tusch’s patronization of Patrick and the Brazilian woman with a weak “We know you’re good”, and trainwreck JAG giving America even more reasons to wonder why he was discharged from the Marines by keeping his hand a millisecond too long on Paul’s knee.
At least my faith in God and Humanity has been restored in Amy’s win. Proof that FN is underestimating its audience by quite a bit. Although it’s probably a “be careful what you wish for” moment for her. I hope she can straddle the party line without either selling out or opting out. FN really needs someone like her.
The Canadian Government doesn’t allow this type of propaganda on our airwaves. No Reservations makes it through though… thank God,
I agree with some of the comments, but I don’t blame Rory one bit for turning her back and weeping. She lost to someone who was already sent home!!!!! Talk about a slap in the face. Instead of canning JAG, who probably was the best cook on the show, and giving the prize to Rory, they had to make the finale a ‘competition’. So, bring back the loser from the previous episode. And then the loser wins it all!!! Don’t worry, Rory will do fine. She has her own restaurant and a massive rack. Did anyone else notice her comment about being in a previous reality show??? Well, there’s plenty of those around. Maybe she built her restaurant so she can be on Season 4 of Hell’s Kitchen??
I admire the previous comment regarding the plugging of the new LATIN-influenced cooking show, Simply Double-D-liciouso. I don’t care what she’s cooking, I’m not a fan of anyone who snaps their fingers at me.
What was up with the canned-Emeril? I could do a better plug for the damn car then he did. He seemed so out-of-it like he was on “hour four” of a methadone binge.
Hopefully FN will buy Amy some dental work. That way she’ll look good at 8am on Saturdays.
I, too, was laughing hysterically that the moment Rory lost,she instantly turned her back to the “audience” and remained as such through the closing credits. The whole show reminded me of a very badly executed high school play- especially the stage set and the host, just awful. My favorite moment was when a drugged-looking Emeril came out and immediately shook Amy’s hand and said “congratulations” [which he did not say to Rory], moments before opening the envelope- and giving away the ending instantly. And the way they prominently displayed Jag in the front row with a white shirt on to insure EVERYONE saw how GRACIOUS they were in welcoming him back was so over the top it was crazy. The only thing they were missing was a giant Monty Python cardboard finger of God pointing down over him.
Thankfully the most interesting part of the show was what was going on in the background, as comrades Paul and Jag clearly seemed to be improving their own fraternal solidarity above and beyond what the Central Committee may have expected during the televised festivities.
Code Name: Unctuous Haircut will be the name of my next album.
I have to admit, I enjoyed seeing gummy Rory dispatched. She wasn’t much of team player, now was she? Turning her back and weeping. Not party line. But with a little reeducation she can back up Sandra Lee — hand her those jarred sauces, say — for some viewers all that is required is a nice rack and flashing teeth. The hell with cuisine, right? But that could get ugly, as both ladies are obviously killers, unlike poor Amy, the “winner.”
“express my dog’s… Did I miss anything?” Nope… the Finale’s stink was far worse.
Was the show heavily edited? The cuts seemed so abrupt at times.
One thing that stuck out in my mind was Rory talking about cooking over wood, especially in Texas. There was a clip of her cooking over a bonfire. What the heck was she making smores? I thought when you cooked over wood, you let the wood burn down to a bit…
I find no interest in the “new” show. At least the previous two winners had some type of personality. Maybe crying is the new in-thing.
During the NFNS finale it would have been fun to see Amy and Rory sing Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall.” Ms. Ray could crank the meat grinder (she’s got the right smile for the role) while the rest of the NFNS contestants march toward their grisly fate. “If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding!”
>> Whatever happened to schuperstah Falco anyway?
Died in a car accident.
Speaking of the envelope opening, Emeril was not looking healthy at all (puffy and shaking enough so Flay had to help him out).
Sorry, I had to express my dog’s anal glands last night. Did I miss anything?
I think its odd that in the episode prior to the finale, when JAG criticizes the FN for their lack (or their need?) for more latin cooking, they rebuke him. But, as we now know, the show was filmed at least a few months ago, giving FN enough time to create a latin show and promote the hell out of it during the NFNS.
All well. Amy joins a long line of successful show winners that are no longer in the television biz.
Let us all rejoice the safety of the wall comrades!
Thanks to a Simpsons re-run, I only caught the last half hour.
Geez…I was expecting at the very least a mud wrestling bout between the two “finalists” (although a match between Paul and Adrian would have made for a well-rounded evening for me). I got the feeling they had blown the production budget early in the series and couldn’t even afford the Stepford-Wife to color coordinate the set and produce an appropriate cocktail.
I spent yesterday catching up on back NFNS episodes, thanks to Tony’s “Rainbows and Unicorns” posting. I shudder to think of the number of brain cells I destroyed. Tony, you nailed the finale, although at the time I was watching it, all I could think was, “Paddy Chayesfky foresaw all of this in “Network.”
In Soviet Russia, contest winner chooses you.
I propose an in-house Iron Chef round-robin — Let Mario cook against Sandra Lee and the other bobble heads who have replaced him. There is only one reason why Rachel Ray won her Iron Chef battle, and we all know who he is.
I had the good grace to tune in just in time to see the envelope opened and the winner announced. With the dropping of the balloons, I turned to my wife and said: “Well, we didn’t sit through an hour of dreck to get to this, we get to see the winner crowned and keep our dinner in our stomach.”
It will be interesting to see if her food show lasts more than 3 or 4 episodes.
Moscow does not believe in tears…..
During last night’s exhibition, I kept on expecting Ron Popeil to round a curtain and start selling veg-o-matics or pocket fishermen. The delivery by Mr. Double Dare, Marc Summers, was a fine example of infomercial hucksterism at its best/worst!
OMG and the audience. They should have been wearing drool bibs.
Does anyone else smell Emmy?
Ja Ja, Herr Kommissar! Whatever happened to schuperstah Falco anyway? Amy’s show will bomb. The “finale” was slow-moving even with the fast-forward button pressed. Rory and her truly nice rack seems to be doomed to always a bridesmaid status.
Had they taken my advice, they’d have had a shot at a good finale AND a successful show.
Before announcing the “winner”, they should have asked BOTH if they’d be willing to Co-Host a show together. Amy, of course, would have said “Yes”. And then we’d see her nasty expression when it turned out she could have the whole enchillada herself.
Probably the best moment for BOTH of them was the Fort Dix skit. Together, they could probably pull of a half-way decent ODD COUPLE type show.
as
One big question remains… After all the talk about the French husband, etc., where was he? Did they separate between filming and final episode? She didn’t even say “I am sorry my husband couldn’t be here with me tonight, but he is out of the country” or something.
It was very very odd.
I made my husband watch because it was so ghastly – he really enjoyed the trained seal clapping at the most banal statement. However, it did, indeed, reminded me of years of watching Communist propoganda (albeit Chinese, not Russian) – the Glorious Leader would make some kind of pronoucement, and a sea of pomaded apparatchniks set their overbites into rigor mortis rictuses of feigned and fearful approval. Oh, yes. The East was very Red, indeed, last night . . . !
Brilliant!
Where’s Comrade Lee who’s waiting in the wings to oust Glorious Leader Ray? Has she not positioned herself to become the Next Martha Stewart enough?