Guest Blogging: A Bourdain Throwdown

NOBODY ASKED ME, BUT……
By Anthony Bourdain

I actually WATCH Food Network now and again, more often than not drawn in by the progressive horrors on screen. I find myself riveted by its awfulness, like watching a multi-car accident in slow motion. Mesmerized at the ascent of the Ready-Made bobblehead personalities, and the not-so-subtle shunting aside of the Old School chefs, I find myself de-constructing the not-terrible shows, imagining behind the scenes struggles and frustrations, and obsessing unhealthily on the Truly Awful ones. Screaming out loud at Sandra Lee in disbelief as she massacres another dish, then sits grinning, her face stretched into a terrifying rictus of faux cheer for the final triumphant presentation. I mourn for Mario..and Alton...Bobby and yes--even Emeril, nobly holding the fort while the TV empire he helped build crumbles like undercooked Bundt cake into a goo of Cheez Wiz around him.

Some thoughts on the Newer, Younger, More Male-Oriented, More Dumb-Ass Food Network:

ALTON BROWN: How did Alton slip inside the wire--and stay there all these years? He must have something on them. He’s smart. You actually learn something from his commentary. And I’ll admit it: I watch and enjoy Iron Chef America-in all its cheesy glory. Absolutely SHOCKED and thrilled when guys like Homaru Cantu show up as contestants--and delighted when Mario wins--again and again, forestalling his secretly long-planned execution. His commentary is mostly good. And that collar-bone snapping fall off the motorcycle on Feasting On Asphalt? Good television!

EMERIL: I’m actually grateful when I channel surf across his show. He’s STILL there--the original Behemoth. And I STILL find him unwatchable. As much mileage as I’ve gotten over the years, making fun of Emeril; he deserves a lot more respect than I’ve given him. He does run a very successful and very decent restaurant group. He is--in fact--a really nice guy. And-as much as I hate the show-- compared to the current crop of culinary non-entities, he looks like Escoffier. He will probably be the last of the Real Chefs. I’m sure they’re growing future replacement options in petrie dishes somewhere, conducting Top Secret focus groups at suburban malls with their latest Bright Young Hopeful. I’m just glad he’s still there--a rebuke to the geniuses who brought us such Great Ideas as Dweezil and Lisa.

BOBBY FLAY: They seem to have noticed Bobby’s strong “negatives” among some viewer responses during focus groups--and decided to respond by subjecting poor Bobby to THROWDOWN; the object of which is to allow every web-fingered geek with a backyard grill--or half-mad muffin maker to proclaim, “I beat Bobby Flay at makin’ barbeque!” at the heart-warming end of show--before returning to tend their meth labs.. I watched poor Bobby battle to a draw recently in some bogus Southwestern “Chili Face-Off.” Now…does ANYONE actually believe that Bobby Flay can’t make a better chili than a supermarket ground beef bearing amateur? I don’t. It’s a cruel exercise in humiliation. A variation on “Dunk Bozo” or “Shoot The Geek,” at the carnival. And whatever I might have thought of Flay’s previous TV efforts, I find the network’s misuse of one of their founding chefs to be nauseatingly cynical. The conspiratorial-minded might be tempted to suspect this as yet another part of the Secret Plan to rid themselves of the annoyingly big ticket chefs--by driving Bobby to quit--or insane with misery. He may not be Mr. Cuddlesworth, but he’s a successful businessman and a good chef--and he doesn’t, after all, need this shit.

MARIO!
Oh, Mario! Oh great one! They shut down Molto Mario--only the smartest and best of the stand-up cooking shows. Is there any more egregiously under-used, criminally mishandled, dismissively treated chef on television? Relegated to the circus of Iron Chef America, where--like a great, toothless lion, fouling his cage, he hangs on--and on--a major draw (and often the only reason to watch the show). How I would like to see him unchained, free to make the television shows he’s capable of, the Real Mario--in all his Rabelasian brilliance. How I would love to hear the snapping bones of his cruel FN ringmasters, crunching between his mighty jaws! Let us see the cloven hooves beneath those cheery clogs! Let Mario be Mario!

THAT ACE OF CAKES GUY: Hey…He’s got talent! And..he seems to be a trained chef! And he’s really making food--and selling it in a real business! I think…I like it! If I have one reservation, it’s that I have no idea if the stuff actually TASTES good. It LOOKS really creative and quirky--and I’m interested but…I mean...it’s like construction going on over there from what we’re told and shown. One suspects that the producers don’t want to waste valuable time talking about anything so technical as food--on “Food” Network. I mean...what’s in those cakes, beneath the icing and marzipan and fondant? That said, it’s the only “kicky, new, cutting edge, in-your-face” hopeful they’ve managed to trot out of any quality in memory. Hope it lasts. Wait till they try and put the poor bastard on a pony--or do a “Tailgate Special” with the usual suspects. Or a “Thanksgiving Special” where he has to sit down with the bobbleheads and pretend to like it. On balance, it’s still probably the best new project they’ve come up with in a long, long time.

GIADA: What’s going on here!? Giada can actually cook! She was robbed in her bout versus Rachael Ray on ICA. ROBBED! And Food Net seems more interested in her enormous head (big head equals big ratings. Really!) and her cleavage--than the fact that she’s likeable, knows what she’s doing in an Italian kitchen--and makes food you’d actually want to eat. The new high concept Weekend Getaway show is a horrible, tired re-cap of the cheap-ass “Best Of” and “40 Dollar a Day” formula. Send host to empty restaurant. Watch them make crappy food for her. Have her take a few lonely, awkward stabs at the plate, then feign enjoyment with appropriately orgasmic eye-closing and moaning..Before spitting it out and rushing to the trailer. Send her to Italy and let her cook. She’s good at it.

RACHAEL: Complain all you want. It’s like railing against the pounding surf. She only grows stronger and more powerful. Her ear-shattering tones louder and louder. We KNOW she can’t cook. She shrewdly tells us so. So...what is she selling us? Really? She’s selling us satisfaction, the smug reassurance that mediocrity is quite enough. She’s a friendly, familiar face who appears regularly on our screens to tell us that “Even your dumb, lazy ass can cook this!” Wallowing in your own crapulence on your Cheeto-littered couch you watch her and think, “Hell…I could do that. I ain’t gonna…but I could--if I wanted! Now where’s my damn jug a Diet Pepsi?” Where the saintly Julia Child sought to raise expectations, to enlighten us, make us better--teach us--and in fact, did, Rachael uses her strange and terrible powers to narcotize her public with her hypnotic mantra of Yummo and Evoo and Sammys. “You’re doing just fine. You don’t even have to chop an onion--you can buy it already chopped. Aspire to nothing…Just sit there. Have another Triscuit…Sleep….sleep….”

PAULA DEEN: I’m reluctant to bash what seems to be a nice old lady. Even if her supporting cast is beginning to look like the Hills Have Eyes--and her food a True Buffet of Horrors. A recent Hawaii show was indistinguishable from an early John Waters film. And the food on a par with the last scene of Pink Flamingos. But I’d like to see her mad. Like her look-alike, Divine in the classic, “Female Trouble.“ Paula Deen on a Baltimore Killing Spree would be something to see. Let her get Rachael in a headlock--and it’s all over.

SANDRA LEE: Pure evil. This frightening Hell Spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time. She Must Be Stopped. Her death-dealing can-opening ways will cut a swath of destruction through the world if not contained. I would likely be arrested if I suggested on television that any children watching should promptly go to a wooded area with a gun and harm themselves. What’s the difference between that and Sandra suggesting we fill our mouths with Ritz Crackers, jam a can of Cheez Wiz in after and press hard? None that I can see. This is simply irresponsible programming. Its only possible use might be as a psychological warfare strategy against the resurgent Taliban--or dangerous insurgent groups. A large-racked blonde repeatedly urging Afghans and angry Iraqis to stuff themseles with fatty, processed American foods might be just the weapon we need to win the war on terror.

AND FINALLY: Some IRON CHEF AMERICA match-ups I’d REALLY like to see:

• Mario Batali (with one arm tied behind his back--and drunk) vs. Regina Schrambling
• Michael Ruhlman, swacked on Ripple, vs. John Mariani-- in a Charcuterie Challenge
• Grant Achatz vs. That Guy In Australia Who Ripped off his recipes as his own
• Marco Pierre White vs. Gordon Ramsay
• Charlie Trotter vs. Martin Picard (Chicken Livers vs. Foie Gras)
• Chris Cosentino, Fergus Henderson, Martin Picard vs. Alain Passard, Roxanne Klein and Charlie Trotter (Cooked vs. Raw Challenge)
• Martha Stewart vs. Rachael Ray (bare knuckle cage match)
• Ducasse vs. Robuchon
• “Mikey” from Top Chef vs. Sandra Lee

Video Gold!

[blogger's update]

Comments

[Claudia]

Oh, dear God -

"Relegated to the circus of Iron Chef America, where--like a great, toothless lion, fouling his cage, he hangs on . . ."

I now have to clean sprayed cappuccino off my computer screen. Thanks a lot, Tony!

[Kevin]

Tony -- Glad to see you back on Ruhlman's website. I'm curious about your thoughts about the Fox sitcom loosely based on Kitchen Confidential. Not many television shows try to do food-related fiction (and this one was short lived), but you've written two food-related novels. In your view, what did the show get right, and what did it do wrong?

[Neel]

If you had to go up against anyone in an Iron Chef matchup, Tony, who would it be?

[ruhlman]

so tony woke up sober this morning and had an unexpected surplus of energy and bile! wuhwhoo!

In the interest of balance, I'd like to offer a comment from Bob Tuschman at the TVFN emailed to me when I was doing a recent piece for the nytimes. I'd said it was my impression that the network no longer looked to work with professional chefs. I wasn't able to include the remark in the story but it is worthy of note:

"You are not correct. Our only criteria for chefs is that they have the kind of personality and food expertise that engage broad audiences and bring the world of food to life. Whether they work in restaurants or not makes no difference to us. Many of our most popular and longest running talent run restaurants: Emeril, Bobby Flay, Mario Batali, Paula Deen, Michael Chiarello, and Morimoto. Also, some of the most recent additions to the Food Network family are restaurant chefs: Guy Fieri and Robert Irvine, whose new show, DINNER: IMPOSSIBLE, premieres Jan 24th."

Bob Tuschman, SVP Programming, FOOD NETWORK.

[Dpnash]

Darn - I was hoping Bourdain would have some comments about Nigella Lawson, who's been popular in Great Britain for years but just joined the Food Network roster last fall. I've come to adore her. Her shameless flirting with the camera, reveling in the sensuality of food and cooking... I've made more recipes from her show than I have made from all other Food Network shows combined, I think. And not only that, but her use of some exotic spices in a couple dishes got me to trek to a real spice store for the first time, and having done so I will now never buy crappy spices at a grocery store again.

Down with Rachael Ray and Sandra Lee! More Nigella!

[Shannon]

I love Nigella too.

I finally saw the grudge match between Giada and Rachael and it seemed everyone was perturbed that Rachael won.

I was disgusted.

[DinerGirl]

I'm always up for some Sandra Lee bashing because I believe there is no greater force for evil in the culinary world. Actually, it's an insult to use the words "culinary" and "Sandra Lee" in the same sentence, so forgive me. I'll go mainline a ranch dressing packet as punishment. What sucks for anyone who really appreciates food is that Food Network is a business. An advertising and affiliate sales-driven business. They have to hire talent who will actually use the products that advertisers are buying time to promote. And, they have to hire talent that appeals to the lowest common denominator when it comes to cable subscribers. TVFN has become a hybrid of WWF, NASCAR, The View and Friends -- appealing only to people who say "hey buddy" and do finger-guns with a wink when they meet people, and find the jokes on popsicle sticks hilarious. I think TVFN should give Mikey his own show and call it "Whatever, Dude" and let him do his thing. At least the boy can cook and would never let the word "tablescape" escape from his lips. Fucking Sandra Lee.......

[Mensch71]

There should be warnings posted when Tony's Guest Blogging. Too. Damn. Funny.

The whole Rachael/Mario vs. Bobby/Giada Iron Chef really came down to Mario being a better overall chef and Rachael's (limited) ability to work under serious time constraints. I don't like her show but I kind of (*gasp*) like her cookbooks for fiction reading.

[Brilynn]

Hey Bourdain- get your own blog! No, seriously, do it...

Ruhlman- My second round of cured salmon is done and I'm having it for lunch. The bacon should be ready tomorrow!!!

[Nicole]

Bravo, Mr. Bourdain, on a great rundown. I totally agree and admire your apt descriptions. Some others of us were just discussing this very topic over at http://deglazed.finarelli.com/ and of course the rabid Rachael Ray lovers got all snippy.

[Marc]

Screw this! I want to see Martin Picard and Tony locked in a kitchen with a night's worth of ingredients, twenty rugby players waiting service and enough bourbon and ale to keep them running.

[Chris]

Maybe it's me, but when I turn on the FOOD NETWORK, I'd kind of like to see some cooking. But it seems that most of their evening shows are about food, but don't always show cooking. Sure, there's Emeril, but how long before he's usurped by Queen Yum-O? The evening shows are more about entertainment (food competitions, etc.) than about actually learning about food (aside from Alton) or cooking. If you want to see actual cooking shows, you gotta watch during the day ... but drat the luck, many of us actually WORK during the day and can't watch. I really miss some of the early days of the network when there were ACTUAL cooks doing ACTUAL cooking on the network, and you could actually LEARN something about food and cooking. Now it's just a spectatator sport ... oh wait, Iron Chef is entirely a spectator sport! The American version isn't too bad, but it does lack the supreme cheesiness of the Japanese version.

But darn it, I just miss watching cooking shows to actually learn something. Bring back the late Pasquale Carpino, a staple on cable TV back in the early 1990s ... the man could cook, he could sing opera, and while he was fun to watch, he also taught some good italian cooking.

Maybe there should be a channel in the future called Cook TV, where it's just professional chefs, ones who are picked for their ability to cook and teach, rather than white teeth, spiked hair, and/or cleavage, and the whole channel is about educating viewers about food and teaching them how to cook.

Crazy dream, isn't it?

[fiat lux]

Generally, I have nothing but disdain for anyone who posts lame "Me too!" comments, but that's what Bourdain has reduced me to .... there isn't anything in his Foot Network takedown that I don't agree with. Coat me with Ritz crackers and call me a loser, but it's true.

However - I would like to add a shout-out for the Barefoot Contessa. The Spouse can't stand her, but I think she rocks. Unlike the nauseating Sandra Lee, she makes food that you'd actually want to eat, and her recipes are well-suited to home kitchens.

[Jason Perlow]

I hope we see a lot more of this.

[Claudia]

In terms of a smackdown, I'd like to see Tony and Michael tag team it against Charlie Trotter and Queen Yum-o. The blood-letting, the snark, the pure treachery and wiliness . . . I'd expect Team Tony to go at it with all the charm of a rabid rottweiler. Maybe once and for all, good would triumph over the dark forces and Rachael Ray would be sent away in shame and horror, bleeding from the eyeballs . . . I don't think the Food Network has the cojones, however, ever to put Tony on their air again, and I don't think Tony would ever consider it.

It's been several years - has anyone not noticed FN still has not released A Cook's Tour on DVD? Thank God for home recording equipment . . .

[Dan]

Dude, you rule. I have a new nickname for you..."The Assassin".

You gotta keep posting here, I can just see the suits over at Food reaching for the xanax when they see the latest calling card from the Assassin. Thanks for making my day!

p.s. There is a Japanese cooking show called "Dotch" or "cooking showdown" you might like if you haven't seen it. It's cool, kind of like Iron Chef but with more cruelty.

[rhonda]

everyone at work thinks I am insane now, thanks for the laughs.

[Alex]

I would love front row seats for a Rachael and Martha cage match -- now that is something I would pay to see. Hell, I would even bring a monkey to fling poo, just for fun.

Alton, Ina and Giada (when she's actually cooking) are the main reason to watch Food Network.

[Cyndi]

Guy Fieri, a restaurant chef? Good lord, go look at the menus for his places, he might as well be cooking at TGI Friday.
He and Sandra Lee should go somewhere and open the "Restaurant of the Damned," for customers who want to eat sushi made with ingredients you can by at the 7-11.

[Abbie]

Sandra Lee is totally unwatchable. When are they going to wise up and cancel her ass? Everyday when I get home from work I try and catch the end of Barefoot Contessa before her show comes on. And what's with her getting all excited about those "tablescapes"? Yeah, let's all go to the craftstore everday and spend money on shit to decorate a table. Who does that?!

[Homer Fink]

Bourdain is G-d.

[Mercutia]

Did y'all SEE that "Kwanzaa Cake" that Sandra Lee made one time? I didn't catch the episode--I'd LOVE to know what her rationale was--but it was a storebought angelfood cake frosted with a can of vanilla icing with a couple tablespoons of cocoa stirred in; there was peanut butter involved, and then the center hole was plugged up with apple pie filling and CORN NUTS. I kid you not.

The sooner they get that idiot off the air and give the real chefs the run of the place, the better.

[Philip]

I can't agree with you more. I only watch Giada, Lidia, and Mario. They truely can cook. PBS used to have some chef from around the world but i can't seem to catch it anymore,

[Brooklyn Enthusiast]

First off, love your show. I DVR it every week. Secondly, I am a huge FoodTV fan but I really must agree with most of your comments. I love Alton (feel like I always learn something) and Giada, although they seem to dress her in very low-cut outfits more often than not. Emeril makes me sick - I wouldn't pay to go to his restaurant - and Sandra Lee makes some of the most disgusting food ever. Her themed parties are just plain scary.

[braingirl]

We all know the even swacked on Ripple, Ruhlman could take down Mariani with his eyes closed. However, no matter who won, Mariani would want the restaurant to pick up the check.

[jake raden]

You're nuts. You're innappropriate. You're a genius. My only complaint is about Alton Brown, he isn't an artist in the kitchen, but all of his science and information is sound, and VERY enriching for all levels of epicurean pursuit.

Everything else you said is right, accept I think you have a crush on Giada, because her food is boring and bland and she is creepy looking. You're wrong about her.

[Philip]

Here's a great video i found that is home made
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z34oOrcmu6g

[Tom]

Thank you so much, I thought I was the only one who was thinking like this. I found myself drawing on my English ancestry to come up with fitting ways to torture the celebs on that network. I spend very little time in front of the tube and try to make sure that I learn something when I do, TVFN has let me down over and over. Loved your Divine references, Ms. Deen probably would have done well on the set. hahaha

[dave g]

Priceless. But the peeps need to know the Bourdain take on Ina Garten. Her umm....generous use of butter and/or mayonaise strikes fear into the hearts of vegan everywhere, her food is generally delicious, and the recurring cast of characters on her show lends it an uncharacteristic degree of warmth/hilarity. In short, a reason to be out of bed on Saturday by 12:30.

and no Dave Lieberman beatdown?

[Heather]

Wow. Bourdain at his best and most rip-roaring. Good stuff. :)

[John Schultz]

Tony, you bitch. I just spit up my coffee all over the laptop keyboard. Somebody get me a baby wipe.

Keep it up - the mess is worth it.

[AJ Schumacher]

Tony,

Start your own Food network. Stock it with real shows. Have an adventurous, international perspective. I'll be VP of Marketing and host the show on International peasant food.

Call me,

AJ

P.S. You've got the heft to get it off of the ground, even if it starts out internet only.

[SPR]

How can you mention Sandra Lee and not bring up the subject of tablescapes? TABLESCAPES>>>she made that word up!

[Darren]

Thanks for the article Mr Bourdain. Alton is fun and interesting to me even if his shows aren't high end cooking, he's a far sight better than Tyler Florence ever was.

When's the next book coming out? Fiction or nonfiction?

[Laura Goetz]

Chef Bourdain, politics aside, I love you more and more.

[Elisabeth]

Thank you so much, Anthony. Years ago (back in the day of Michelle Urvater!) I would watch TVFN for hours, but that hasn't been for a long time. It is clear that TVFN is more interested in chasing down advertising dollars from companies like Con-Agra than in providing inspiration for people who love to cook.

[Nora]

Tony, I feel you were almost, shall I dare say "kind" about Rachael Ray? LOL! Havent had time to watch Robin Miller yet I take it? You'll just love her! I say that sarcastically. I doubt you'll make it much past her theme song.

[Frresh]

I can not agree with you more about Sandra Lee .. she makes me sick!

[Slip]

Sandra Lee is great, but she's in the wrong business. She should be in porn.

[RadioDictator]

Bourdain,

I lost my taste for you and your show when I eagerly watched the episode in Beirut. Your soulless whining and cynicism of the U.S., the conflict, and God which you clearly don't understand was too much and I sadly deleted you from my "must see" list.

I am both reluctant and pleased to say that I agree with you here. There are only a few shows on Food TV I'll watch and the ones you lauded are the ones I like.

Monday I saw your episode in L.A. and was able to keep awake, not throw anything at the TV, AND laughed out loud at your falling at the roller rink.

Tony, find Jesus. Find Hope. Find a reason to love life.

[Craig]

I'm a cooking dad with two small children. I have cooked more thirty-minute meals than Rachel Ray ever will.

Great article.

Loved Cooks Tour. Like No Reservations even better.

[Kingfox]

RadioDictator, you found Bourdain's cynicism to be too much? Had you ever seen him before then? Welcome to Anthony Bourdain.

Regardless, excellent reviews of the personalities on your former network.

[Kev]

"...Nigella Lawson, who's been popular in Great Britain for years but just joined the Food Network roster last fall"

I'm just a sucker for an accent and a nice rack, so I must agree I love her. But time will tell with Nigella - I have the feeling she'll be brought down to the "lowest common denominator" too if she sticks around...I've already seen her do a few things on par with RR like adding a "can of this" and a "frozen bag of that" and Voila! Bon Appetite!

Tony, thanks for the read bro I love your books - I just got your "Nasty Bits". No Reservations...a great show, albeit a little more verbose than I would like but I enjoy seeing you take in the whole of a location...and it always makes me "wonder where is he now?"

P.S.
stay off the 4 wheelers man! and yeah get your own blog!

[Nick Gully]

Of course, on ICA, I want to see Alton v. Anybody.

[Chuck Field]

Sandra Lee shows how to cook for idiots who barely know how to read the directions on a box of Kraft Dinner. Her tablescapes make me howl. She makes all of this horrible food on the cheap and then spends a hefty sum on one-time-use party decorations. Her tablescape once included real friggin car wheels. Yeah. I can afford that!

[DeadPanWalking]

Ha, this is halarious. I couldn't agree more. FYI - I just went to Les Halles the other day and had the sirloin. Wow. If you like steak and that sort of thing, you can't beat Les Halles. It was also cheap as hell and the staff were laid-back and smart (a killer combination.)

[Nicole]

Okay, so here's a 'real person' perspective... the Food Network (even in Canada) is very Hollywood... VERY. Alton and Mario and yes, even Chef Ramsey are the ring leaders of a very elite guerrilla force of people who want to show us how to be creative, smart, and GOOD cooks... But Love-In aside... you are absolutely right. These poor schmucks are soon going to find themselves in therapy pointing at their aprons in the places that the Food Network has made them feel 'dirty'.

Form your petition, Sir, and I will kiss your wonderfully weather worn hands in fealty to your sword... uh... knife.

[bubo]

You have to be kind ro RR, she will have you killed by Don Winphrey. I like Alton's Good Eats show, corny, but fun and informative.

[Robbie]

Bourdain, you are a god.

[Jennifer]

Mercutia...you forgot that in celebration of Kwanzaa, she also added popcorn and pumpkin seeds to the topping of this "cake". I didn't think anyone besides Paris Hilton could make me hate "my people" more. You know, aside from Rachael Ray.

I do remember when Ray started to become popular, a crazy former friend of mine who pretends she's thisclose to being a chef was gushing about how much her three year old loved the show. Then my former friend started to use the cutesy phrases like EVOO. After watching two minutes of the show, I understood why Ray is popular with toddlers and crazy people who think they can cook.

While I love Bourdain, he won my heart forever by stating, and I paraphrase, that "...Rachael Ray does to food what Hilter did to Poland..."

[Wilhelm]

Why no mention of Tyler Florence--the coolest TV chef since the Galloping Gourmet?

[steff burwell]

During the “Martha Stewart goes to prison era”, I remember listening to Sandra Lee state, when interviewed, that SHE expected to take Martha’s place in the cooking world. After that interview I have never watched again.

[melissa mcgee]

sandra lee... good lord, talk about somebody who HAS something on someone else. how is she even still on television, and how did she wind up there in the first place? just the sound of her voice makes the bile back up into my throat, but the sight of her is seizure-inducing. good god. she has got to go. hell spawn, indeed.

[Lisa]

Great to see you blogging here. I'd love to see you have your own! I love how your writing is a perfect echo of your speaking voice - it makes for very entertaining reading.

[KA]

Great article! Sandra Lee has caused me to almost break my TV several times. The word tablescape makes me shudder in horrer, I can barely type it! Emeril is a great showman, but every recipe of his that I try comes out terrible. Ina and Giada are go to favorites, and Alton Brown is God as far as I am concerned. Bourdain is right, FN should be educating people, not encouraging them to stay ignorant! Culinary terms are no longer even used on most of these shows! Rachel's food is completely inappropriate for every occaison except for mediocre family dining. I love Ina for teaching me french cuisine, and Giada for helping me realize my Italian roots. Alton Brown has helped me to make some family favorites taste amazing, and Emeril is an entertaining alternative to reality show hell. Food Network needs to get rid of shows like Throwdown and Weekend Getaway and focus on actually cooking the food. After all, it's not called the Eating Network! Sorry for the rant, but I've watched the quality of this channel slowly dissolve and it's time someone took a stand!

[Chris]

The Bourdain commentary was spot on. I pretty much stopped watching FN ever since I found out I could get bittorrented Good Eats episodes.

Also, having eaten at several of Mario's restaurants (Otto Enoteca, Lupa and Esca), I can say without a doubt that the man is doing God's work.

Sorry Tony, I have yet to eat at Les Halles, but i'll get there eventually. Your place, plus some of your buddys' places are on my to do list (Veritas, Le Bernardin, etc)

Wilhelm - I would have agreed with you on Tyler Florence until he sold out with the APPLEBEES endorsement. There should be a law against chain restaurants.

[Shannon]

I think Michael Chiarello is awesome. Every recipe I've made from his show tastes wonderful. Not too many people seem to mention him at all. I think he's deeply underrated.

His sauteed greens with vinegar dish is really really good.

[J]

Sandra Lee is totally watchable. Skinny blond with great boobs? What channel?

She cooks too? Who knew?!

[rachel gay]

Shut the fuck up and make me a sandwich.

[Emma]

That was the best thing I've read in ages. I think I love you.

[tess]

As for Giada vs. Ray, I watched that episode and thought that Batali did a better job of babysitting Ray that Flay did Delaurentis. I was rooting for that skinny little bobblehead because she at least catered before joining FN, but what the hell did Ray do? "I come from a family of foodies." Bah.

Also, wasn't there someone who commented while back on how Rachael Ray was so devoted to her fans that she stayed up for 3 days straight signing autographs? I'm still waiting for her to die from exhaustion with an insipid grin on her face. I like food, and if I weren't a student and living in an apartment, I would be curing more meat from Ruhlman's Charcuterie, but does that qualify me to be a fucking host on FN? The only way the Rachael Ray can win any respect from me is if she sliced off a finger in the middle of one of her shows, pulls a Julia Child, duct tapes the wound closed, and continues cooking. With her unsanitary cooking habits, she'd probably bleed all over the food, but who'd eat her food anyway?

Goddamn it, I think all the chefs from Food Network should just leave and go back to PBS. They'd probably get shitty budgets, but just as many viewers as Food Network (not everyone has basic cable). If Ray's getting paid more than Batali does, and most of the chefs are doing the shows more to promote their restaurants, then why degrade themselves more?

[RLB]

Marry me, Anthony.

[Victoria]

Thank you for saying in a public way what I think about FN. The fact that it comes from someone who's dealt with them and is a figure in that rarified air of "celebrity chefs" (apologies for the quotations marks, but I hate that phrase). Sandra Lee is, I believe, the antichrist. Watching her make that disgusting Kwanzaa cake with corn nuts and apple pie filling was an insult to anyone who breathes air. Corn nuts!?

[Jennifer]

I like Sandra Lee!

pppppppppphhhhhhhhhhhhhhhttttttttttt ok, I almost got through that with a straight face. I'm barely a foodie (mostly by osmosis from my husband), but I can't decide what I hate about her show the most: the idiotic recipes? Her smug satisfaction with her so-called "cooking" and cheekbones? Perhaps it's the waste of space with the table decorations. What gets me is...how does her show remain on the air? Who can stand to watch her? These questions are ones we may never know the answer to.

[corey3rd]

Tony, how can you not talk about Jim O'Connor? I worked with the guy and he was a fun host. They had him flying a "red eye" from Hawaii to Raleigh, NC. I picked him up at the airport and he was camera ready in an hour. What a trooper.

I'm ready for Food Network to have an hour long series, "Things that fit on a Ritz."

[Schneemann]

As much as I hate to admit it, many of Rachel Ray's recipes have become some of my favorites. I'm no cook - my wife does all the cooking and in all my gluttonous glory, I enjoy every minute of it. However, if I have to hear that woman say "Delish" or "EVOO" one more time, I'm going to shoot my TV. She's the most annoying woman on the Food Network. Oh, and regarding Duff's cakes: They are very good indeed.

[Claudia]

OK, so that's TWO cups of coffee sprayed on computers across America so far today, thanks to Tony.

Cooking credentials (or, more to the point, the lack thereof) aside, the main reason I can't even listen to Rachael Ray or Paula Deen are their voices - both nasal whines go through my head like a buzz saw and make me start bleeding from the ears and going into convulsions. Too bad Tony has too much compuction to take down Paula. And too bad one half of The Two Fat Ladies is gone - now, Tony in a tag team with those two and, say, Ramsay, against another tag team . . . wait . . . a have a vision forming here . . .

How about a Ramsay v. Ray Celeb Death Match? For once, I'd actually ENJOY watching Gordon dismembering someone. It would be for a worthy cause, too . . .

[Paul]

A couple of minor quibbles. The Rachel v. Giada thing was actually Batali v. Flay, so the outcome was unsurprising. A fair fight would have been more fun for everyone, and it was a typically gutless marketing decision by the network to advertise it that way but not allow it to really happen.

Sure, Giada would probably have won. That said, I hate her shows. She seems to have no actual interest in food and, as Anthony suggests, you can too easily imagine her spitting out the food as soon as the camera turns off.

At least Rachel Ray looks like she actually has eaten food some time in the last six months. Sure, her food sucks and her knife technique is actually frightening for anyone who has ever worked in a professional kitchen. But at least you don't feel like you're staring lingering death in the face.

[Mike]

Tony Bourdain - the Dr. Gregory House of the kitchen!

[sam]

I did my own personal Ducasse vs. Robuchon in Vegas and Robuchon won hands down.

[Chris]

This is dead on. How has Alton Brown stayed with FN for so long and not made the jump to PBS? We love Alton. We had to get used to his quirkiness, but once that happens, we learn to appreciate the love and dedication he has for food.

Rachael Ray...how do I loathe her, let me count the ways. I had to quit watching FN after the farce of her stint on Iron Chef America. She's nothing more than an egotistical, insecure, shrill brat who never got the discipline she needed and now we have to suffer the consequences. Worse yet, she's gone nationwide and is peddling her crap on unsuspecting dupes. Anyone who buys an oval pan, should have to stew in it. She's an embarrasment, not just to cuisine, but America as well. The only fitting punishment I can see for her is to strap in chair, run all her shows back-to-back and feed her her 30 minute meals crap. Hopefully, this Boil of America will implode one day.

[reptilist]

I can hook you up with the cage fighting thang in southwestern N.M.! Call me, we'll do lunch.

[Rich]

All this Sandra Lee bashing and we forget to talk about COCKTAIL TIME!!! (Oh yes teh way she says it is in all caps with three exclamation points). I swear she is half in the bag to start the show. Great writing.

[shovel]

I was teaching my crazy punk rock bike messenger friend how to bake a cake from scratch the other day, and they were airing a series of PD "Supper Bowl" episodes. He was transfixed, and said, "I LIKE her...she's FUNNY!"

I'm surprised George Duran hasn't been mentioned. "Ham" is kind of a one-trick pony, but it makes me laugh (pizza in a cup!) and I do end up learning something. I'm not going to fault anyone for crushes, but I can't get past the frequency of Giada's voice to listen to the recipes. If you need to detox a bit I like how Ellie Krieger doesn't do healthy in an unpalatable way...she's worth checking out, even sans cleavage.

Speaking of crushes, here you go: Geof Manthorne is totally my tv boyfriend. So there.

Damn, I too could use some Les Halles Sirloin about now!

[Mnementh2230]

Hey Tony - love the books, love your show on the Travel Channel, and most of all I love your style. Reading your rant, I could almost hear you saying it out loud, and when a writer can do that, you know he's good.

I have to agree with you for the most part - Food Network's flagship chefs are getting the shaft. I can barely stand to watch anymore, really. I merely hope things take a turn for the better, and soon.

2 hopes for your No Reservations:

DO NOT come to Alice Springs, Australia. Its the great "Australian Outback Experience" in a town, but there's not enough here to do for your show unless you like eating bugs.

DO convince your current producers to get you to "your favorite restaurant in the world" where you eat a burger with sand between your toes. I wish I could remember the name of the place - you went there on A Cooks Tour - but it was some island either in the Carribean I believe. Listening to your voice-over wax eloquent about great food and good times while on the beach drinking beer and eating burgers just makes for good TV.

[shovel]

Oh yeah, isn't RR supposed to be horrible to her assistants? And what about the racist quotes? NOT COOL. If someone acts like a dick in real life, I don't care about their on-screen character.

I've only dealt with one FN personality, and he was actually awesome off screen. Because of that, I had even more respect for his work.

[Chris]

There was a show on at one time on TVFN called "How to Boil Water" oddly enough it taught you how to cook. Oddly enough it's not on anymore that I know of. I used to love watching "Essence of Emeril". Now I only sometimes see it on re-runs. I still love Alton his show is another that teaches you how to cook and now just how to watch someone cook a pre-tested recipe. Since he will sometimes on purpose messup a recipe and show how to either fix or start over. Mario's shows were just like Emeril's teach me how to cook authentic Italian, not Olive Garden style. Flay is good but you just know in real-life he's a dick. Because he expects and demands perfection and takes nothing less. The whole throw-down is a joke. A good throw-down would be to have him visit Emeril at his restaurant and then have a throw-down.

[Steve]

"Mikey" from Top Chef vs. Sandra Lee?

Damn, Tony, why should Mikey stoop that low? I thought you liked the guy!

[Husband]

For the most part, I agree with everything you've said here. Though, I have to ask... when are you going to take on Gordon Ramsey. I mean the guy has enough shows to program half the food network alone... Hell's Kitchen, The F Word, Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares... the list I suspect goes on and all based on a good chef beating people up! I mean it's sort of like you and your books, writing and TV, but I digress. Love the post. Rhulman might want to figure out how to set you up your own gig or line your pockets with gold. People will pay for this sort of gold commentary.

[dpnash]

One thing that always cracks me up about Rachael Ray is that the woman is clearly a big time chain smoker. Over the years she's been on the network, her voice has dropped about two octaves from it. When the network runs two of her shows back-to-back in an hour, sometimes one will be older and one will be recent, and you can hear the difference. For whatever reason, it cracks me up.

[Lizzie Baldwin]

Anthony:

I could 'hear' your voice as I read the above Truth.

Nigella is delightfully informative (to the poster who said she is not much better with her frozen veggie usage...I say...have you not ever used a frozen pea? Far more superior and available (in my opinion) than fresh). I do not have access to fresh peas nor the budget. Nuttin' wrong with frozen veggies..and the can was beans if i recall...have you not EVER used canned beans? If I was a chef and cheffin' was all I did...I might not. But since I am not a chef...I am allowed to use canned kidney beans and make everything else from scratch. Nigella makes me feel ok for doing that =)

Back to Anthony...I want to see you and your friend Gordon...do it!...Chef-off i mean...

[D. M. Ted]

Frankly, while I enjoy ICA, I think that they are entirely too polite for people who are in competition with one another, and in no way accurately reflect opposing kitchens.

Once -- just once -- I'd love to hear Mario shout across the set "Fuck you, you shit eating hack. Kiss my dago ass." Or toss a flaming cornish hen across into the enemy camp. Now that would make for good television. It would likely have to be on HBO, though.

Now there's a thought. Adult oriented cooking shows. I mean really adult.

[Amanda]

Yay! It's a Tony Boudain guest post!!!

The only, ONLY reason to watch Sandra Lee is to play my drinking game ( http://amandarama.blogspot.com/2004/06/sandra-lee-is-anti-christ-but-she-made.html ) and prove that with the application of enough alcohol, it is possible to power through the most painful of Food Network programming without jamming a pencil in your eyes to make the bad woman go away. [/end drinking game pimpage]

But, seriously, as others have said, I totally agree. Why put Giada in a retread of "The Best Of"? How does Rachel Ray merit even a public access show, let alone her burgeoning tv empire? She gives me awful, awful stabby thoughts. What has gone wrong in the world that Food Network has actually created a reality in which I can feel bad for Emeril Lagasse or Bobby Flay? Why is this happening to me??????

Maybe Mario should make the leap over to the Fine Living Channel or PBS where he might be appreciated.

[Bile O'Really]

You go Tony....Anyone who can eat the ass-end out of a dead wart hog is OK in my book.

[Mike]

Who's Tony Bourdain?

[Linda Goin]

Rachel Ray IS a bobble head, so if you call her a bobble head you're merely stating the obvious. How did you manage to get such a cush job anyway? Besides the fact that you're funny yet believably serious at times, skinny yet you gorge on amazing foods, and drinking yet seem sober. Mostly. If only they all were like you...but you don't cook anymore, right? PS - go to New Orleans and do a show. The service in most great restaurants needs polish (all new staff in most cases), but the food is still amazing (Emeril's shrimp & grits will make you smack your mama).

[Sorcha]

Alas, Tony, they don't make Ripple anymore. You'll have to settle for Ruhlman on Night Train. Or maybe Wild Irish Rose.

I love Alton, and the ICA ep where Homaru WON was incredible. Talk about hardcore - anyone who works with liquid nitrogen and Class 4 Lasers with his bare hands has balls the size of grapefruits.

[Loisalene]

That was one of the most entertaining takes on the Food Networks cooks I've read in a long while. Alton Brown is the best thing on that entire channel - too bad Rachael Ray is scheduled right after him in the evenings. I about sprain my hand changing the channel.

I love Paula Dean but I have to agree, I'd love to see her get good and mad at somebody. Great new drinking game, take a shot every time Paula uses a stick of butter!

[Dan]

Sandra Lee was my girlfriend's favorite until I pointed out that all her sets have to match not only what she's wearing but what she's cooking, and I think that level of bizarre OCD annoyed her.

Watching her show is not entirely unlike sticking one's head into a cotton-candy machine, followed by a quick dip in the Fryolator and having that deep-fried, pastel, sugary head-crust shattered by French kissing a speeding cement-mixer during a gay-pride parade.

It's not only bad; it's noisy-pink bad.

[christey]

Brilliant!

[Why Bother?]

Tony, what's with the fetillating of Flay? How exactly do you figure that ambushing a non-professional chef who happens to have a personal specialty after spending days in a professional kitchen with two assistants to perfect a "smackdown" recipe is a dig at Bobby Flay? It's a show about pure cocksmanship - it allows Flay to whip it out, flail it around, and the get off loudly and proudly, while screwing ordinary people in front of their friends and family. Now I realize that you haven't been an actual chef for quite a while, but really, are you so far removed from reality that you would unabashedly root for an asshole chef acting like an asshole, and getting paid handsomely for the privledge to do so on national television, without understanding who is getting screwed over? Then again, given your own M.O. of cocksmanship, I really should be so surprised. What I would like to know, however, is whether "celeb chefs" deep throat or merely kiss the tip when you suck each other off?

[snekse]

Actually I'd like to see Tony do a No Rez show with RR or Ms. Tablescape (similar to the Vegas with Rulman show). What's it like to see Tony hitting various brew pubs in Oregon all weekend long with a perky drunk RR having delish taste bud orgasms next to him?

[kristin]

"Tony Bourdain - the Dr. Gregory House of the kitchen!"

Well said! I have said it over at egullet, Rachel is overexposed and uber annoying. I can deal with her on tv cause then all I have to do is turn the channel. In my grocery store though, that is enough to put me over the edge. If it were only one product fine, but crap its EVERYTHING!
I adore Alton, in fact Michael, you should see if you can get him to come over and blog a bit. His show and his commentary on ICA, always informative. "Feasting on Asphalt" was really great television and according to his website there will be new episodes of the show in August. Something decent to look forward to from the FN. Until then will have to slog through the mediocrity.

[miek]

And this is why Anthony is the best

[Paul B]

Tony - In an age absent of truth and the championing of mediocrity, you are truly my hero. I agree with above comments that you should write a blog full time!

[Candice]

Did anyone see when Sandra Lee, the great innovator, made hamburgers in the shape of hot dogs? Looked like turds on a bun.

[cafelady]

I don't know which is more entertaining, Tony's Blog or the responses.

[testa]

Watching Giada cook is like a soft core porno movie with extra close ups of her hands and the soft focus and gentle music. I will watch her cook anything and be thrilled.

[testa]

Watching Giada cook is like a soft core porno movie with extra close ups of her hands and the soft focus and gentle music. I will watch her cook anything and be thrilled.

[the pauper]

wow, someone remind me when the pep rally started. phew.

the thing about bourdain respecting Emeril b/c he runs a successful business/enterprise could be said of Rachel Ray. It just so happens that we like Mario's personality on tv, and the annoying cheerful perkiness of RR. She makes bank too.

As for Food Network (FN), they are in the business of money also. I'm sure Scripps didn't acquire them just to show off professional chefs and raising the awareness and quality of typical/avg home meals. They are in the business of appealing to affluent folks in the burbs.

There's just people who feel they should make their money serving up programming that features 'good' cooks or 'better' ways to eat. Sure, that's all fine and grand but...

If we really do live in a free market economy, and there really is enough momentum to sustain a cable network that has premium programming featuring top notch professional chefs with innovative ideas... then why isn't that network out there?

[DB]

Love Paula...she's cozy. So what if her food isn't the greatest?

Love Alton...he's a hoot. Usually end up learning something interesting so go ahead and watch.

Like Giada...her teeth sort of scare me but I guess her cooking is interesting.

Like Emeril...he has started channeling Curly from the Three Stooges, though. What's with the constant high-pitched "MMMmmm!!!" now?

HATE AND DESPISE Sandra Lee. Why would anyone who truly enjoyed the process of cooking watch her? Her attempts at "cutesy" makes me wanna puke. I hate the "table-scapes". I hate the prepackaged crap-a-mulsions. I hate it all. It amazes me each and every time I watch Food Network and she is STILL on. Why, Food Network, why?

[Nicole]

I HATE SANDRA & RACHEL & PAULA - I LOVE MARIO & NIGELLA! And I'm so glad that I'm vindicated in my beliefs!!!

Regardless of skill, Mario & Nigella don't even need food to make you hungry. All you have to do is close your eyes and their ingenious discriptions convey smell, texture, and taste - perhaps more so than the basic visuals brought to us by the magic picture box.

"Yummo!" "EVOO!" WHAT THE F**K IS THAT? GROSS. Everytime that twit says those things I feel like a child has just accomplished constructing their first achievement in the kitchen - a peanut and butter jelly sandwich.

Puke-O

[LL]

Right on... FN is really starting to suck, because they're taking the cooking out of it. "Way more than cooking." Whatever. I don't give a damn about cooking competitions. The appeal of Iron Chef has always eluded me. Let me add another "hell yeah" for Nigella Lawson and Barefoot Contessa. And I sorta like the Ham on the Street guy. Rachael Ray... used to watch her, but her constant yapping got old fast. And a lot of the food she cooks on her show looks like crap.
How I wish Anthony was on FN, guess I'll have to settle for No Reservations on the Travel Channel.

[Jeacoma]

I have heard that Sandra Lee is married to a higher up in FN and that is why she even HAS a show!

Bourdain is awesome - I wouldn't want to see his cooking show though - he is entertaining just the way he is now!

[Ainsley]

If you're going to have Martha Stewart vs. Rachael Ray in a cage match, why not throw some chocolate pudding in there (for the male demographic)...???

I'm just sayin'!

[tess]

Jeacoma,

Really? That explains a lot: "FN execs; we screw the pooch, so now you're forced to watch."

God, you'd think that if Sandra Lee's on the menu, then everyone would get the clap.

[LL]

Glad to know I'm not the only one who finds Paula Deen unwatchable, just for her voice. And I'm from the south, though clearly not the same south she's from.

And yeah, Alton rocks, too. I like Giada OK, though she is becoming a bit overexposed (pun intended).

[Justin]

Mr. Bourdain,

Ever since I read Kitchen Confidential and, correct me if I'm wrong, you referred to Emeril as a Ewok I've been waiting to read your elaboration on the Food Network talents. Thank you for fulfilling this dream.

PS Mikey vs. Sandra Lee is comedy gold.

[Paco]

Actually Jeacoma on her Wikipedia entry it says:

Lee has filed for divorce from husband Bruce Karatz, who was the chairman and CEO of KB Homes. After taping the first four seasons of Semi-Homemade Cooking and authoring three cookbooks, Lee left Los Angeles. She now resides in New York, where her television program is taped. [3]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semi-Homemade_Cooking_with_Sandra_Lee

[The Petey]

Anthony,

Not too long ago I honestly didn't like you. But after seeing you on Top Chef and reading this blog I think I can see where you're coming from and might be starting to love you. Keep it up, keep pulling the laurels out from under peoples' ass and keep them on their toes.

[Paco]

Sorry so my next comment was:

"So she's not so much married to an exec as she is just doing the dirty 'bidness' with him (or her)"

[Laurie]

There's only one cure for Rachel Ray: tranquilizer gun. Either me or her. One of us has to go.

[Claudia]

You know, for all the Bobby Flay bashing going on, he's still a terrific chef. You don't have to like the guy to like his food. And at least any Flay recipe you try at home comes out like it does at Mesa Grill. Emeril is a nice guy, but I tried a few of his recipes and it was not good. He lost me when his truffle risotto recipe said it could be done in 12 minutes - blasphemy!

BTW, the bloggers are getting almost as funny as Bourdain here. I'm just waiting for someone to say that Mario "gives them wood" (!)

[L.]

You're a bitter old man and you're acting like a whiny child.

[Del]

Martha's got the street cred, can't she just pull a drive-by on Rachel Ray?

I work in a grocery store, and even touching the Ritz boxes with her ugly mug on them makes me ill.

It's like a reverse ad campain. I'm less likely to buy anything with her endorsement.

Alton I love though, if it weren't for him, and original Iron Chef, I'd have given up on Food Network ages ago.

Well, and Mario and Giada. Poor girl, if her bio is to believed, she never wanted to be in front of the camera.

[harmonyfb]

I love watching Alton Brown - I learn something every time I do (techniques, appropriate tools, differences in ingredients, etc...including why my chocolate chip cookies never came out the way I liked). I love that he explains the science of cooking.

Rachel Ray makes me want to put my foot through the television.

[Hank]

Thank heaven someone mentioned the Two Fat Ladies. I SO miss them! "More buttah, Clarissa!" I'm especially fond of the show where she twists the head off a partridge absently while talking about how lovely it will taste en escabeche...I know one of the ladies has died, but FN (or someone) should re-run that show...

[Nicole]

Hey Claudia,

Go pour some EVOO over yourself and dive in a garbage bowl.

Viva Bourdain!

[Jake D.]

" "Mikey” from Top Chef vs. Sandra Lee"
---------------------------------
Bourdain, That comment cracked my ass up!

Jake

[Del]

That Mr. Bourdian liked Mikey should have won it for him right then and there.

What better praise can a chef ask for?

[Karaoke Massage]

Anthony sir, you are a true marvel. I love you as a brother, don't ever change man.

[Woodstock]

Anthony,
You hit the nail right on the head man. I used to love watching the food network and it got worse and worse. I cannot even imagine how many kids are going to blow their parents cash becoming bad chefs.

You write well, you're (fairly)honest, and you've paid your dues. Let's go bowling, the game and the wings are on me - but you're buying the beers...

[Phidel Gastro]

Holy s***, this was perhaps one of the best things I've read in a long time. Bourdain, you should anointed to saint status.

I have so much to add, but with a hand in a cast typing is hard.

More to come

[TV Eye]

Mmm, Sandra. Those low cut blouses, those cans. Those recipes where she has to whisk something.

[Sean]

I've ranted about Sandra Lee since her hideous show started. She becomes ever more dreadful.

Has anyone else noticed that in recent episodes she has begun pronouncing her L's in a strange, semi-foreign sounding way? Listen and tell me I'm wrong. Her recent lemon-based episode nearly gave me a damn seizure. WHO TOLD YOU TO START SAYING YOUR L's LIKE THAT, I wanted to scream.

And let's not even mention her belief that there's a coffee drink called EXpresso. Argh.

[Jesse DeHoyos]

Mr Bourdain, Love your shows.
Are you hiring?
I can clean some mean dishes.
I also know how to make a kamikazee.
Would love to go on one of your trips.

[Wolf]

Peeing my pants laughing. Thank you, Chef. You made my day. Finally somebody said it.

[BigJay]

Hey Tony..... you left out the Barefoot Contessa..... lots and lots of butter!!

[Nick]

Luckily, FN in Australia don't air half of these programs, so we're not exposed to the horrors mentioned above!
However we do have our own brand of pinhead personalities to contend with.
Tony, you really should come back to Australia and sample some of our local gizzards, bugs & branches (hey, there's a title for the show). And definitely stop by Melbourne again. I'll be happy to be your misguided...guide.

[Blanche]

Why would anyone seriously watch the Food Network anyway? Better to sit down with a good cookbook.

[Smari]

I would give anything to see Gordon Ramsay and Marco Pierre White on Iron Chef. Ramsay seems to melt like butter around White and his big ego can't stand losing.

[Billy]

Wow and wtf has Bourdain done lately besides eat a bunch of bugs, animal dung, and crappy airline food? Do you really trust this cynical, "I'm so tough I'm from Brooklyn" blow-hard? Personally, I can't wait till the guy gets the AIDS from screwing a narwhal.

[Zac Mayberry]

there are 2 shows on tv that I hate but I watch every chance I can get. One is 30 min. meals and the other one is American chopper. I watch and hate them for the same reasons. Some idiot got lucky and now they have more fame and money than I ever will. I can build a better bike and I can cook a better meal than either of those c-bags ever will. I'm ugly though, and I swear a lot so my chances of ever being famous and rich are slim and none. Thanks Tony for writing what we've all been feeling.

[Asian]

Bourdain... that was sheer brilliance! I can understand that the FN is all about the business, but alienating thier audience seems like bad business to me.

Alton Brown's shows are inspirational. I'm so impressed by his knowledge and desire to teach.

And as much as I find Anthony to be a bitter, egomanical, pompus jerk.. That's the exact reason that I like him. He's willing to tell us that the world of TV food is full of morons and sycophants, and is unafraid to call attention to the elephant in the room. He's not afraid to admit his bias instead of trying to sugar coat it.

[Al]

All spot on!

FWIW, Duff (Ace Of Cakes) and crew's cakes are as insanely awesome tasting as they are visually stunning; I had one at my wedding...

Thanks for telling the truth, as always, chef.

[Michelle]

I'd like to see Gordon Ramsay versus Mario Batali. Now THAT would be entertainment.

[billg]

Batali on HBO. Wouldn't that be nice?

About all those $40 a Day look-alikes: Mediocre travel TV is not good food tv. But, you know, once you've done a show centered on a chef who's cooking, what else are you going to do with the guy? Chef's cook. Let'em cook.

[Kris]

I too thought Paula Dean was a nice old lady and not fair game for bashing until this past week. My twelve year old son gagged as he called my attention to the chocolate promo with Paula sticking her tongue into the chocolate fountain. Gross.

By the way Tony he is a huge fan of yours and call me a bad mom but watching your show is one of our cherished family bonding times each week. I'll wait a few years before letting him ready your books tho.

[chad liscinsky]

No one could have said this better.
Thank you Bourdain.

[nondiregol]

Tony actually stole one of my best jokes about Emeril, that Rachael Ray makes him look like Escoffier. I actually once posted that to the old Food Network Boards.

And Paula Dee--een? The Hills Have Eyes? Close but her two tosser sons could be in the remake of "Deliverance." Hmmm, which one should get the Ned Beatty part.

[Rainy]

What he said.

[slyeyes]

Great post!

One of the few times I watched Sandra Lee was a Christmas show; she decorated her tree with upside down cocktail glasses. She drinks too much.

LOVE Michael Chiarello and Giada, and I've had great success with both of their recipes. Giada's smile doesn't bother me; my daughter has a wide mouth like Giada and when she smiles there's a blinding array of teeth. But I swear, someday a boob is going to fall out as Giada is grating the Parmigiano-Reggiano

[Alison]

Thanks for the laughs.

A quand le blog de Bourdain?

[Gavin]

Every time I'm at the store and see the big Nabisco display with Rachael Ray smugish mug splashed about it, my only desire is to undergo a Bruce Banner type transformation into a huge mindless beast so that I could go on a violent rampage, tearing apart everything that comes in my way.

[Heathen]

I think the Rachael vs Martha match should devolve into a nude alfredo sauce cage match. Then I'd surely be drawn to it.

[Tinka]

I love the Sandra Lee show.

Every once and a while, she'll make something that almost looks edible, then destroy it with packaged flavoring, booze, or gumdrops on toothpicks.

And poor fucking Mario. People in this country don't appreciate the sensation of being intellectually challenged.

Is he really drunk all the time? or is this just a bad picture:

http://www.merryweatherjones.com/content.php?id=94

[tess]

Speaking of the Nabisco deal, my boyfriend wanted to buy a box of Ritz with that promo on it. We got into an argument over it when I started saying, "I don't want her face anywhere near my groceries, damn it!" We compromised -- he got his Ritz, but only after he tossed the box.

[beagle]

Couldn't agree more that Food Network is now more about marketable personalities than, say, food. I suggest a show featuring viewer-created food content. To wit:

The Passion of the Crust
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4lROMNfST4

Warning: contains scenes of explicit kneading.

[Timothy]

I couldn't agree with Mr. Bourdain any more. I think that the majority of the "food" network has gone to processed crap. The chefs that he still gives respect on the network are the ones that deserve it. The ones he shows pity also deserve it. And I couldn't agree more about Emeril and Rachael Ray, the devil herself.

[Claudia]

Oh wow, I'm dying over here! lololol
You hit the nail on the head.

[sorcha]

I haven't been able to eat Triscuits or Wheat Thins since RR showed up on the box. I managed to find a box of the Garden Vegetable Wheat Thins without her and thought I'd won the damn lottery.

I'm for offing Sandra Lee too - something about her is like a sharp object on the proverbial chalkboard...and please - can we send Rachael with her??? I liked her in the beginning but now, it's like the stuff on the "free" endcap at the local b