Next FN Star Update!

by Bourdain

I LOVE this show! Its brutal (if often accidental) honesty.. its unflinching  lifting of the rock and all the naked, wriggly, ugly and needy ambitions it reveals. Magnificent!  And Bob Tushman is the Best Reality Show judge EVER. His face pulled, Bush-like,  in two directions at once , as he delivers another crushing yet breathtakingly honest assessment of a contestant's chances for FN success, one can actually see the eternal struggle between the decent human impulse to reward virtue, ability and goodness--and the more pragamatic business of Feeding the FN Beast. You know that look he gets as he deftly smashes the hopes and dreams of yet another wannabe? As the nitrous/ether mix that has taken them this far finally drains out of the contestant's  punctured space suit? You just KNOW Sara Moulton has seen that look.

I made myself a pitcher of Negronis, booted some crystal meth, ordered out for pizza and some take-out uni and setttled in for another exciting week of Slaughterfest. And here's what happened:

Daryl Dawkins lumbered in as guest judge. The perfect candidate really..as he's about as irrelevent to the world of food and cooking as any human could be. Genius! Next week, it's Joe Piscopo.

The robotic Nikki having been previously dispatched, the show got down to the serious business of thinning the herd by TWO. ( I was breathless with excitement!) I called my bookie and put two grand on Linda Kasabian and the very lovable but completely hopeless lummox Tommy. Linda (aka Colombe--translation: "Dove") seemed to have had  a Sandra Lee epiphany since  the debut. She abandoned her "organic and healthy" principles with the breathtaking speed of a Vichy era shopkeeper, betrayed her fellow contestant Paul--by abandoning an unidentified shopping bag without remark--and rather than waste time cooking anything, proceeded to dump ready made nacho cheese sauce on a bag of chips. A winning FN strategy one might think..but NO! She was cut loose at the end--perhaps saving the network the expense and embarrassment of hosing red "Helter Skelter" off the carriage house walls. The sweet faced Tommy, already a blubbering mess, made the ill advised choice to serve meatball heros at the stadium venue.  Sadly, the sandwiches were larger than the human heads into which they were intended to fit.  They both got the chop. And I won--at 6-1 odds-- a nice chunk a change.

In further news: The hunky, dreamy Adrian/delivery dude stepped up his game making a very sensible, human mouth sized and winning offering . Definitely in the running now--if not a new favorite.  Michael stepped yet closer to the abyss--regardless of the smartest best offering of the ep, missing the camera entirely during the early "screen test" ( fatal lapse, I suspect). The toothy Rory skated by with a cheesesteak..."Scary Ethnic" JAG was lulled into a temporary state of false confidence by preparing good food. NOT a saving grace--regardless of Bob's lulling assurances. Only reason JAG's not gone is the Travis Bickle outfit he showed up with in ep one. They'll wait to whack him after they get the metal detectors installed.  Amy (is it Amy?) made the mistake of using fancy communiss ingredients like goat cheese and looking like a real, working woman and talking too fast. The judges hate her and her fancy-ass French ways. And poor Paul (my favorite) fell down HARD, narrowly avoiding the blade--after  a surprise "health inspection" from the  Last Year Winner and obliging Network Tool (whatever the fuck his name is). He's very "In Your Face and Pro-Active" by the way. The "kids today" LOVE him. He's got the hair, the drop earring..and the radio announcer voice! The vintage bowling shirt and the shorts. Kindofa younger, cheaper, "hipper"  Mario--assembled by committee from spare parts (after lengthy consultation with sponsors and focus groups). A shining example, I'd think--of the "Get Interesting Hair" Principle of TV Chefdom. (See Marcel Vigneron on TC2 and Dale on TC3). Like I always say--it's the fundamentals that are so important. 

 

Comments

[Tools 'R Us]

OMG, Bourdain, you've just made me spew my coffee.
Having (unintentionally) met "Last Year Winner and obliging Network Tool", the one word I've used to describe him is TOOL. I will now officially refer to him (if at all) as Obliging Network Tool.

[Hunter Rose]

I had almost convinced myself that Colombe was a ringer. With the casual sabotage against Paul and catty defensiveness with Amy it felt too much like "The Mole" (which I never watched). Thankfully, they convinced me otherwise by finally booting her, two episodes later than they should have.

I also wondered if Paul had been singled out for a "spot check" and if anyone had considered that his food had been properly cooked and had cooled down. Did he really have to maintain 165F for service?

[NTSC]

Mostly I watch this show now (well the judges comments and elimination not the 'cooking') in the hopes that Tony will vent, thus lending a good start to the week at non-Food Network televison.

[rockandroller]

Linda Kasabian! LOL.

[el gato grande]

This is a show I wasn’t planning to watch, but now with these fascinating reviews I just may have to tune in. Nothing like a little criticism of a show to help drive up the ratings and further FN's sense that they have a "great" show.

[fiat lux]

bourdain watches so we don't have to. Works for me.

[Badger]

I didn't mind Guy (last year's winner) during his season of TNFNS, but I will never forget one of the first episodes of his actual show, during which he made a dish involving frozen tater tots braised in oil before being tossed with a little oil and then drizzled with an oil reduction. Seriously, there was like a cup and a half of oil up in that bitch. And then in the next breath, he admonished viewers to use only FRESH lemon juice. None of that bottled shit in your oily frozen tots, yo!

I had to turn off the TV and go poke myself in the eye for a couple of hours. It helped, a little.

[Debbi D]

I only watched this epi because I read Bourdain about last weeks show and was intrigued. I watched most of the show but couldn't bear it another moment and had to turn it off. So many people without a life! Ugh....
I'd much rather read Bourdain's comments, entertaining.

[French Laundry at Home]

Well, it looks like Colombe finally has the time to wash her hair. I was wondering when that was gonna happen. Now, if we can just get Dr. 90210 in there to fix Amy's teeth and Rory's gums.

[Don Luis]

I had no intention of watching this show, and I missed the first installment. But after reading Bourdain's review, I had to tune in. I was not disappointed. The show was a train wreck, the analysis spot on.

I'm betting Paul goes down (no pun intended) next week.I'm not sure I can sit through Paula as judge though.

[julie s.]

Love your observations about everyone (but Bob, Guy and Coloumbe in particular).

And if you think Guy was a tool here whipping out his meat thermometer to further traumatize the perpetually-on-the-verge-of-nervous-breakdown Paul, you've got to see Guy cooking with his bowling shirt and shorts-clad posse of 40 year olds (named "Mustard, Spaniard, and Dirty Pee") on his own show.

Warning: after seeing Guy's show, you may want to purge this column of any comparisons with Mario.

[Jennie/Tikka]

This just in:

To: FN Producers
From: California Focus Group

Please convince one of the show contestants to burst into flames and require shirtless firemen to save the day. I swear I'll watch the show and buy ALL of your marketed products. Really. No really. It worked for "Survivor."

[Skawt]

Tony:

Thank you for hurling yourself on the hand grenade that is the FN. You have saved us all from a fate worse than Taco Bell.

[Ms.Anthrope]

I hate to admit it but I even got sucked in based on Tony's review.
Fortunatly, Family Guy took up the first half hour so I only had to watch half of it. I made a game out of it by having Tony's contestant "profiles" on my lap top and seeing if I could ID the perps from his descriptions. I got every one of them!
Yup! I need to get a real life.

[t-scape]

"And if you think Guy was a tool here whipping out his meat thermometer to further traumatize the perpetually-on-the-verge-of-nervous-breakdown Paul, you've got to see Guy cooking with his bowling shirt and shorts-clad posse of 40 year olds (named "Mustard, Spaniard, and Dirty Pee") on his own show. "

In keeping with the rhyme scheme of his li'l buddies, the third guy's nickname should also end in "ard".

That dude's show rivals Sandra Lee's (who, in the interest of interesting hair, should start dyeing hers to match her kitchen themes every week) as FN's most egregious foisting of crap on an unsuspecting public.

[Darclyte]

Hey Tony,
I'm not entirely certain of your history with FN, but why not go to them with a good show idea, and try to fix them from within? Maybe because you have a show on another network, and have appeared on Top Chef, they wouldn't want you, but you do have a fan base that you'd bring with you and could develop new ones. Yes, FN is all messed up and it's easy to sling arrows from without, but to try to rebuild from within is more challenging, and ultimately more rewarding.

[parkbench]

Outstanding review! Charlie Manson *and* "Taxi Driver" references in near-succession! FN should bring Vincent Bugliosi in as a guest judge for this. He's on a book tour, no doubt has a publicist who would sell his/her firstborn for the face time, and makes about as much sense as anything else on FN these days.

Thank you, Tony, for watching this so I don't have to.

--parkbench

[Claudia]

Darclyte, Tony's been there and done that with FN - basically, they wanted pablum and Tony visiting backyard BBQs across America, which is why he took his marbles and left. That's why NR is (1) an hour, not a half, (2) goes to exotic locations as well as domestic ones,and (3)is so breathtakingly un-vanilla and un-stupid and un-branded. They don't want to be fixed,and they sure don't want Tony to do any fixing for them. Tony doesn't need to be on FN. He doesn't do well in captivity (!)

[julie s]

Actually, the one who should be pitching his own show is Ruhlman. Something along the lines of "The Reach of a Chef"--where he goes out and interviews real chefs for a fascinating half an hour conversation (well 20 minutes, FN time).

Too cerebral for the "New and Improved FN", you say? Well, put Ruhlman in shorts--or some great clothes (the FN demographic isn't ONLY Guy's and Giada's 18 year old boys...not yet...), and make the interviews outdoors in gorgeous locations--"Ruhlman in (A Foodie's) Paradise"? He could always sex it up and dumb it down, so Bob doesn't notice that anyone is actually having substantive conversations about FOOD preparation techniques and philosophy on his network.

He could call it "America's Hot Chefs", interview "the greats" poolside in gorgeous locations (Keller in Napa, etc.) Talk with them about their careers and food, Show their restaurants, interview critics and diners. Give those of us who can't afford to go to The French Laundry (et al) a vicarious thrill. Granted, it's a jump up from Guy's "Diners and Dives" show, but...the FN audience who still craves this kind of thing is VERY underserved at the moment. (Great book tie-in for him, too. Though he'd probably have to write a new one so FN could sell it on THEIR site).

Personally, I'm loving this idea....

....Anyone? Anyone?....

[Jennie/Tikka]

I'm lovin' the idea that there would be more t.v. (and just things in general) that aren't always aimed right at the thick chunky middle of the human bell curve, Julie. Prove yourself more intelligent than that - or less - and you become part of the teeny tiny segment at the other ends of the bell curve that apparently aren't worth acknowledging. Its not just t.v. its pandemic everywhere in society. The good solid non-threatening middle of the pack "C" student is the new "A+". Luke warm is the new hot. The undereducated is the new cheap-and-trainable-labor-alternative (the educated, too expensive and overqualified).

The highest ideal in society is Goldielocks...not too good, not too bad - just mediocre.

[...you can call me "Chef" Suzy]

"As the nitrous/ether mix..."

Tony: You are really dating yourself here. Baby chefs these days don't know from nitrous.

I came across a case of Whip-Its in the dry storage at the CCA main building and it was all I could do not to make that thing walk out the door on it's own.

I scurried back to the class, and whispered to my 28yr old classmate "Check it out! Case of Whip-Its in the closet...hehehehehe", and he says "So?"

And I say "Nitrous, man -- you know...", and he says "What?".
And I'm like dumbstruck, 'cause I know the dude parties in the dorm.

So I say "like what the dentist gives you when you get a filling", and he goes "I don't have any fillings." -- and then I realize that neither do my (kids aged 28 and 14) because of the fluoride in the water.

So I say "Dude, all you gotta do is get garbage bag and the iSi and empty a bunch of the Whip-It cartridges into the bag the bag, and then suck on it..", and he says "Whyyy?". "To see Bob" I say...

"Why would I want to see Bob?"

Kids these days

[...you can call me "Chef" Suzy]

Note to self: must see TNFNS

I missed it. I was too busy watching the Robot Chicken marathon on Adult Swim.

Anybody out there know if it's gonna be repeated/when? I have DISH...

"...Linda Kasabian" (!)

...how OLD are you Tony, sheesh!

[...you can call me "Chef" Suzy]

>>>I had to turn off the TV and go poke myself in the eye for a couple of hours. It helped, a little.<<<

Oh look; Wiki has a link with a site that tells you how to perform your own lobotomy with any sharp clean spiky tool. An instant read thermometer looks like it would work nicely...

Ok...let me angle the mirror. Oh -- wait! Here is another link for the "how to" video lobotomy on YouTube, and it has Bourdain's name on it. What the fu...?

Ohhh...I see it now. Bourdain has already HAD his lobotomy. This explains why he is sitting at home watching TNFNS when there is a brand new episode of Robot Chicken premiering on the other channel, followed by the uncut version of Team America (Actually, it WAS cut. $50 to anyone else out there who can name the lost scene!)

But I digress. For video of Anthony Bourdain's lobotomy goto:

http://youtube.com/results?search_query=anthony+bourdain+lobotomy&search=Search

...You know Bourdain, may-beee someday you'll learn to just BACK AWAY from the (TV...pig taint...raw fudge stuffed beast asshole sprrinkled with with tsetse fly larvae...) before you injure yourself -- again.

[Debbi D]

I love you "Chef" Suzy.....

[Tags]

*** One can actually see the eternal struggle between the decent human impulse to reward virtue, ability and goodness--and the more pragamatic business of Feeding the FN Beast. ***

A classic case of putting pearls before spine.

*** Last Year Winner and obliging Network Tool (whatever the fuck his name is). He's very "In Your Face and Pro-Active" by the way. The "kids today" LOVE him. He's got the hair, the drop earring..and the radio announcer voice! The vintage bowling shirt and the shorts. Kindofa younger, cheaper, "hipper" Mario--assembled by committee from spare parts (after lengthy consultation with sponsors and focus groups). A shining example, I'd think--of the "Get Interesting Hair" Principle of TV Chefdom. (See Marcel Vigneron on TC2 and Dale on TC3). ***

They wanted you to be John Cougar Kerouac, Tony. Look edgy, but palatable (and malleable) enough to keep the base entertained. You didn't play ball and they are trying Guy as the resident rebel. If he doesn't work out... next!
Fortunately for JC, he dropped the Cougar crap and just showed everyone the decent human being he really is. Maybe we'll be watching Guy Mellencamp on another channel in a few years.

[Shannon]

I think it's pretty funny that Tony despises FN and anything having to do with it.

Yet, he watches this show, critiques it, and as a result people want to watch it.

Way to promote FN, Tony!! ;)

[...you can call me "Chef" Suzy]

>>> Maybe because you have a show on another network, and have appeared on Top Chef, they wouldn't want you, but you do have a fan base that you'd bring with you and could develop new ones.<<<

Tony - I can't help but notice that your publicist seems to be pimping you on the wrong street lately.

I agree with Derclyte that maybe you might find a better place to reach your fan base than FN/TC, but I gotta say, the really real great stuff is coming out raw and uncut via the blogs and on YouTube.

If'n you don't look the camera in the eye yourself and speak directly to your audience these days, you'd better hope that the dudes who are pulling the ratings on TOON with homecooked viral video will acknowledge that they know you exist by skewering you on your own parody.

If they don't pick you up on theur finely tuned pop-culture radar, then you stand the risk of becoming a self-parody, and that is the death os a career (remember that nice lady in Peru who recognized you on the street and identified you as "...that American guy on TV who hates everything"?

Heed the warning signs dude. I'd hate to see another good writer go down the toilet. Look what happened to Tom Wolfe...

[FoodPuta]

Tony, FN should be paying you advertising dollars. Everyone viewing this modern-day food version of Reefer-Madness, are doing so, just to follow along with you.

Although, I must admit some disappointment. You made no mention of Rory's Cleavage-for-food theory.

[...you can call me "Chef" Suzy]

Tony, man -- I feel your pain! It was a real shocker for me too when I turned up for cooking school at the age of __, and the kids there resented the intrusion. They would actually STOP swearing if I sat down at the table with them.

Let me try and come at it from another direction for you; If you (continue) to make a big enough spectacle of yourself PLUS your fame reaches critical mass, then the press will explode that closet your skeletons are barely hidden in and make you look like an (old cantankerous crank of a) fool. Then they will take one last paparazzi snapshot of your lifeless husk on the sidewalk -- and in a week all of your books will all be remaindered...

Dude: Listen up! We're trying to warn you man...'cuz WE'RE your friends. Look at what happened to your own idols: Dr.G, Tom Wolfe,...I could go on. The point is, it got ugly on them about 3 seconds after they became even slightly uncool in the public's eye.

I saw you on Top Chef, and I thought "Got the teeth fixed, got the hair styled, looks like maybe he even had something done to his FACE or something...I can't quite place what it is, but he doesn't look hungry enough anymore -- or something...Uh-oh...this could be the beginning of "it's all over".".

Tony man, I luv 'ya! (Really, I do!), but I gotta tell 'ya; when that guy on TC slammed your nose into your own shit with that "Ecuadorian [sic]" crack, and then the guy who WON didn't say "Cool!", or even crack a smile when you offered to grant him the supreme privilege of accompanying the Great Bourdain to watch you get shit-faced "when you are in New York"...as IF!

D'ya think that this nice 30 yr old chef from TX. just hops the red-eye for some wild partying on his night off? With what money? The probably $12 an hour the poor guy makes as a chef?

...and then, when you shamelessly pulled that stack of your own books (In hardback, remaindered? ) and slid them across the table -- and he STILL didn't bite...so you started frantically flipping through them to show him that you had taken the trouble to not only autograph them, but to decorate them with "pornographic" doodles, only then did he reluctantly even step forward to pick them up...

Babe;, I hate to tell 'ya, but I got the distinct impression that the guy who won your round of TC did not even know who the fuck you (think you) are(?) -- Was it just me, or did anyone else pick up on it too?

What ran through my mind during the commercial was that thing in the news last year when the press jumped all over Tom Cruise after he proudly announced that he had gifted the hapless and pregnant Katie Holmes with a complete set of DVDs of his own movies -- for HER birthday.

Hon - these are the cream of the crop of younger chefs, and they are humping to scratch out a living in an industry now so overblown and bloated that Disney (or Pixar, or whatever) has a cartoon coming out this week about an animated clueless baby American Le Cordon Bleu (Paris!) culinary school student, and the sewer rat who saves his ass by teaching him to cook!

I haven't seen the movie yet, but you better hope to God that rat does not have a NJ accent!!!

[Raymond]

Love the comments. You sure know your serial killers. Loved the pre-episode preparations.

Btw, did you notice how someone on TC3 said you have tried monkey brains? I thought that was definitely out of your personal menu. Tell me I'm wrong.

[...you can call me "Chef" Suzy]

>>>$50 to anyone else out there who can name the lost scene!<<<

C'mon you guys, this is FIFTY BUCKS! I'm totally serious...$50 bones to the first post-er who correctly describes the "lost" scene from "Team America" which was SOOOO dirty that even Comedy Central didn't show it on their "Uncut Team America" premier that aired simultaneously with TNFNS last night...

Were you ALL actually WATCHING TNFNS??? Dear GOD I hope not!

[Darclyte]

Team America had an extended version of the sex scene where besides showing the 2 puppets doing it from all sorts of positions, the guy puppet urinates on the woman puppet's face, then the woman puppet defecates on the man puppet's face. Crazy.

[smokedgouda]

Tony,

Not that we know each other, nor have I had the pleasure of dining in your restaurant, but I enjoy your anti-spin commentary to a point where it's a must read/see for me.

I agree with a previous poster though, that you should put in for your own FN show and do it right. Why not? Can you handle it without going over to the dark side?

sg

[latenac]

Find myself wondering if "Chef" Suzy is actually Tony after he's done the crystal meth.

[HB]

But you are watching it.

[HB]

So they have won.

[HB]

See how that works, Tony?

[Camusman]

Ruhlman, thanks for giving this guy a forum with which to vent about FN. It is the funniest stuff I have read all year on the Internet.
Period.

[Nadine]

I look at it this way, its like watching Barney (mangled in a train wreck.) After you can chew solid food and want to vomit at the sight of purple, you do something else. I must confess, the blatant lack of actual variance in ethnicity or food troubles me.

[Jasmine]

Gosh, Tony, I could just care less about this show and all this slick FN crap, well, I just don't think it's any fun. Writing about it just feeds it, like talking about a Bush policy with any seriousness just makes it go on and on and... I know! Can you write about, maybe, something interesting? Please?

[Chef Wannabe]

"I had almost convinced myself that Colombe was a ringer."

Yeah, actually, she sort of is. Colombe Jacobsen, aka Linda Kasabian (laughing my ass off), is actually an actress. According to IMDB.com, she has a whole laundry list of tiny, unnoticeable screen roles to which she can now add "the only contestant who didn't cook on TNFNS"

[Tags]

***Find myself wondering if "Chef" Suzy is actually Tony after he's done the crystal meth.***

Nope. Just an ignoronymous poster everybody skips over as soon as "her" style appears.

Do. Not. Feed.

[Hunter Rose]

"Colombe... is actually an actress."

Yeah, but was she playing a role to fool the producers, or did the producers hire her to play a role?

(Looks like Bonnie on HK might be a wannabe actress playing the role of wannabe chef...)

[Gabrielle]

And to think, I've stopped watching Food Network. I do watch "Top Chef" though, and hey, there was Tony last week!

You're making me want to watch this silly show now though - I wonder if it's too late for me to jump in.

[Caroline]

Hey, in defense of Guy Fieri, he's a local businessman here in Santa Rosa (Sonoma wine country for those of you who don't know)with 2 restaurants.

First, his hair, shorts, shirts and accoutrements are his long-standing personal style - in place long before his tape ever went to FN.

Secondly, the bit about him testing Paul's burgers was actually a natural for him - he's a legitimate, certified Food Safety & Sanitation trainer and testing specialist for the State of California. Was his concern over the safe temperature of Paul's burgers "staged"? Maybe, probably not, but he does have the "cred" to call the man on it, for the safety of the crowd devouring those burgers. Those burgers were underdone off the grill.

[Tags]

Underdone by the standards of the California Goosesteppo, maybe. But to those who enjoy less charcoal ON their burgers (what with the carcinogens and all), they were probably just fine for a home griller (viewer).

Does this mean we're going to see Guy-Fi walk-ons on Rachael, Emeril, Sandy and Paula for burger inspections? Will we see them or will they be edited out?

The CA Goosesteppo should try some foie... maybe they'll get back in touch with their taste buds.

[Caroline]

Oh, please. Get over yourself and your high horse.

[Claudia]

Oh, and while we're on the subject of what is true and real in TV Foodland, or what is cooking v. personality, looks like friend Gordo has caught some flak:

http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=266332&GT1=7703

The pitfalls of celebrity. Or, at least, food TV celebrity.

[Claudia]

PS: "Goosesteppo" - very witty, Tags!

[t-scape]

Something similar happened to Ramsay with the original version of Kitchen Nightmares. He sued a restaurant for libel after they made similar claims, won the suit, and the restaurant had to print an apology. Not to say that the show is never staged, because what the hell do I know, I'm not there. But it seems to me that with this particular topic, restaurant owners might end up more than a little skittish with how the episode actually makes them look, and get nervous that it will affect business. But just from a POV of probabilities, I could see either scenario (staged vs unfounded allegations by nervous restauranteurs) being true.

I'd like to go on record, though, by saying that Buzzcut Ramsay is *not* hot.

[julie s]

>>"Hey, in defense of Guy Fieri, he's a local businessman here in Santa Rosa...with 2 restaurants"<<

Yes, well, Guy really symbolizes for me the decline of FN's interest in good food.

And, since you mentioned it, compare his Applebees-style restaurants with those of other FN restauranteurs--Bobby Flay, Mario Batali, Emeril.

I think that says it all about the direction FN is going.

[Tags]

The highest horses live in California (especially Northern California).

Not to forget about happy cows, now that they've managed to breed masochism into cattle. If they're going to make them live in squalid conditions, they should at least be able to enjoy it.

[Claudia]

High horses in the High Sierra? No?

Oh, well . . . since good cheese comes from happy cows, and happy cows live in California, I hope you and the cows are all living . . . well . . . happily . . . are you anywhere near Cowgirls Creamery? Now, THOSE are some happy-ass cows! Love their cheeses!

[Dan]

I saw Guy and the tater-tots. I don't remember him using oil, though, so it might have been another episode. In my memory, he just opened the bag, dumped its contents on a cookie sheet and tossed the thing in the oven. The look of supreme accomplishment on his face was priceless, and as I switched the channel to something involving sharks eating baby seals, I thought about how I was missing Guy stun us culinary plebes by perhaps opening a can of Spaghetti-O's and uttering "to kick this dish up a notch, just add a little salt. Your guests will love it!"

[Stjay805]

Tony,
You hit it right on the nosey! Caught your Top Chef judging event...as much of a pleasure as was a pain to watch.

Here's a recipe for the most retched thing Bourdain's ever put in his mouth:
http://www.isholf.is/gullis/jo/shark.htm
Take my advice...don't even think about it unless you want to get evicted!!

[sorcha]

t-scape, what the heck DID Gordon do to his hair? Or, well, it's obvious WHAT he did, but why? It makes me a sad panda.

[Kevin]

oh, bourdain, can i hold your cock while you have those frozen off? again.

[Kevin]

oh, bourdain, can i hold your cock while you have those frozen off? again.

[Ken]

Yes, Tony ya gotta love lummox Tommy 'cause he apparently loves YOU!

I read this in his FN profile:

Three people, alive or dead, that you'd like to invite to a dinner party: Joe Bastianich, Anthony Bourdain, Henke Kellner

http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/show_nf_vote/text/0,,FOOD_20356_62443,00.html

[Phaedrus]

Tony, no dirt on your stint on Top Chef? What were you thinking when Howie tried to throw your words back at you? I must say, that was a fun one episode. And just how bad was the alligator?

[Schroeder]

Big foodie, big Bourdain fan (I geeked out when I met him and then said, "Sorry, you're my version of a rock star"...esh..I know Rhulman...it just came out!).

Tony, let's hear about another topic. We all get it. The FN is about home cooks, it appeals to the masses, etc. I'm missing Bourdain's other views. Let's talk food...let's talk travel and experience.

Oh and I did have to laugh re: comment that Suzy/"chef" being Tony on meth...too funny...but yes, let's not encourage. I kinda feel bad for her...drinking cheap wine, typing away mad-like with her frito-orange stained fingers (how I see her anyway) soiling the keys, sweat pouring from her brow, chain smoking, talking to the screen...

Anyway, looking forward to a fresh Bourdain post even if it is about baby food ;-) I am going to need some recipes if this baby ever decieds to join the world!

[RI Swampyankee]

It's a little late, but germane to the discussion.

http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2007/06/19/

[Harry]

For the next episode I'd like to see them turned over to Chef Ramsay for a harrowing night of Hell's kitchen can you imagine the carnage?
BTW I knew Colombe was gone when she kept refferring to her stadium dish as "cheese" nachos. Personally I've never seen a nacho without cheese. LMAO @ Sandra Lee epiphany, I was thinking the same thing myself.

OK, I resisted watching the re-run of the FN Awards, however hilarious and acerbic Bourdain's review of it was, and I managed to ignore the first showing of TFNNFS, but I . . . . I . . . I . . . (gulp) oozed into a rubbery glop of no will, no resistance last night and watched the re-run, and now I just feel . . . so dirty. So mindless. Thanks, Tony. I used to have exacting taste and rather refined TV viewing standards, but now . . . now?! How low I have fallen. Your fault, Bourdain! But I enjoyed the train wreck, nonetheless . . .

[Claudia]

Ken, three people, alive or dead, I'd invite to a dinner party? H.L. Mencken, Oscar Wilde, A.J. Leibling - and Anthony Bourdain. For Snarkfest Night, though (!)

[caroline]

The high horses in Northern California comment is too ludicrous to comment on. Actually been here?

Claudia - yes, Cowgirl Creamery is indeed near here, but they don't have their own cows. they buy all their organic milk from the well-kept, healthy and yes, happy cows from Straus Dairy.

I personally am partial to the cheeses of Bellwether Farms, also here. Tony certainly knows about their lamb. Oh, and Tony - they just came out with the best sheep milk yogurt in the US. Makes Old Chatham's pale by comparison. (Whole Foods should have it, or you can order directly from the farm).

[Claudia]

I don't know that Tony shops Whole Foods - at least, not since their "lobster-in-tanks is cruelty stance" - but hopefully, good old Murray's Cheese or Essex Street Fromaggio or equally wonderful cheesemonger's will carry Bellwether for us cheese-loving New Yorkers. (Murray's was the first to carry Cowgirl's, I believe, although WF did, too.) Looks like some research might be called for here . . . (!)

[Ken]

Claudia, that would make a great snarkfest. Don't forget the absinthe.

[Claudia]

Of course, the absinthe, Ken! Plus lots of room for people to get wasted and hallucinate in - I'd be tripping over the survivors in the morning . . . (!)

[They Call Me . . . Tater . . . Salad]

I for one actually thought it was interesting to get some inside information from Caroline about the last Food Network Tool, and why he decided to do an impromptu burger probe on Paul at the stadium.

But then comes "Tags" with the "high horse" comment. The only reason I can see that Tags saw Caroline as being on a higher horse than hers is because her own is likely to be plugged in outside of her local Walmart. Hey, Tags, go ask your Mommy for another quarter, and STFU . . .

As for "Guy" Buffet, there's nothing more tragic than an aging hipster. That boy's way too old to pull off that "look", even if it is just recycled retro punk from the 80's.

Hey, Bourdain - where did you get the idea that he has a "radio voice"? What the hell have you been listening to? Guy's voice sounds like someone scraping down the slab at Denny's between orders of hash browns.

However, despite that, I heard that Le dernier outil de réseau de nourriture is being slotted to add further damage to the media by being paired with Marcy Smothers, wanna-be talk show diva and child bride of over-ripe nightclub barstool Tommy Smothers. Yup, some geniuses are actually interested in giving those two a syndicated radio talk show where they will discuss food & wine. I will now go apply my vodka eye drops and take my nap. Thank you, and may they mangez la merde et mourez...

["Chef" Suzy]

>>>Oh and I did have to laugh re: comment that Suzy/"chef" being Tony on meth...too funny...but yes, let's not encourage. I kinda feel bad for her...drinking cheap wine, typing away mad-like with her frito-orange stained fingers (how I see her anyway) soiling the keys, sweat pouring from her brow, chain smoking, talking to the screen...<<<

SO: If I AM Tony on crystal meth: You love me and wanna watch me do it some more?

BUT: If I'm NOT Tony on crystal meth: I'm a junk-food eating, dirty chain-smoking sweaty filthy drunk who talks to myself?

What's the diff?

["Chef" Suzy]

Tony: Speaking of crystal meth:

http://markdaycomedy.wordpress.com/2007/06/14/secret-secrets-of-strawberry-kwik-revealed/

>>>Recently (OK, a few weeks ago, I’m behind with this stuff….) the police found crystal meth laced with Strawberry Kwik in Arkansas. That can only mean one thing… Well, a few things actually…

...wasn't Monsterpig in Arkansas?

[lectric lady]

"...over-ripe nightclub barstool Tommy Smothers"

Hey, I'm going to a Smothers Brothers concert in mid-July. Anyone know anything about their show? Other that they should have hung it up a dozen or so years ago?

I always thought a younger Tommy would be the perfect person to play GWB in the upcoming movies. They have the same "deer-in-the-headlights" look about them.

[Give It A Rest, Suzy]

"QUOTE: SO: If I AM Tony on crystal meth: You love me and wanna watch me do it some more?

BUT: If I'm NOT Tony on crystal meth: I'm a junk-food eating, dirty chain-smoking sweaty filthy drunk who talks to myself?

What's the diff?"

The difference is one has talent and wit and people WANT to watch, listen to - and read - him.

["Chef" Suzy]

To: Give It A Rest

I GAVE it a rest from 6/23. You felt compelled to change your name to bitch about it on 6/25...

Why don't 'ya say who you really are, and we'll see how long you give it a rest for?

No one is forcing you to read any of it, so if it isn't from anyone YOU wanna read, then don't read it!

Make you a deal: Don't read me, and i won't read you.

[Give It A Rest, Suzy II]

1. 6/23 to 6/25 isn't long enough, when you continually clog multiple boards with irrelevance.

2. Unfortunately, to find the posts worth reading, it has become necessary to scroll through endless, off-topic posts of yours - rather like having to step through vomit outside an all-night bar to get to the block you need.

3. Who says "GIAR,S" is a single person, and not a consortium of fed-up bloggers?

[Tags]

"The high horses in Northern California comment is too ludicrous to comment on" is a comment. Of course the "happy cows" I was talking about were the ones in the ad campaign misrepresenting the squeezebox farmed cows much more prevalent than the truly contented ones at Cowgirl Creamery.

And while I'm elucidating the obvious,

I GAVE it a rest from 6/23. You felt compelled to change your name to bitch about it on 6/25...
Why don't 'ya say who you really are, and we'll see how long you give it a rest for?

Good advice, "Tater Suzy."

[Give It A Rest, Suzy (pi)]

Suzy-

Shut up you crazy bitch. No one wants to read any of your insane screed anymore.

Why don't you just drill a hole in your head and let the stupid out already?

Seriously, it's time to take off the astronaut diapers, go back on the meds, and stop pretending you're anything but a crazy, dried up old woman that sits in front a computer all day writing excessive, rambling rants about nothing while petting your shaved cats.

[Get your own damn blog Suzy]

Suzy:

If you have so much to say, then go get you own damn blog and leave us normal people alone! Your inane rants are annoying and contribute nothing to the conversation at large.

Please, go to Blogger and get yourself a free blog. You can post as much as you want, as often as you want. Who knows, you might even find some people who are interested in what you have to say. But we here are NOT.

Go to Wordpress. Go to Blogger. Hell, go to LiveJournal. I don't care. But please, GO.

[Jelly Knees]

"Chef" Suzi, et al your multiple personalities:

You said to Give It A Rest: "Why dont'ya say who you really are?"

Quite a hypocritical question from someone who used over a dozen non de plumes the first time you posted here.

[kevinlimbo]

I guess we're not just ignoring suzy phish sticks anymore

[Claudia]

Getting back to The Next Food Network Star circus, apparently, The Figure Hugging Sweater is de riguer for any female "food stars":

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/27/dining/27scoo.html?ref=dining

So . . . baggy cargo shorts and retro shirts for the guys, and sweater-shirts for the girls? And for Paul? What about PAUL? If he's going to win, he MUST have a "look" - can't believe a gay guy doesn't have his "look" on, yet (!) (No offense to gay guys - I'm rooting for Paul all the way and hope he develops a look before Carson Kressley gets a hold of him.)

[julies]

Already Wednesday and no Bourdain piece on TNFNS. Hmmm. Did some of the...odder...responses last week discourage him from further comment?

If so, how disappointing. The last ep had contestants tasked to improve MREs, Paula "sharing" food (as usual)....Giada, bitchy at the judges' table (as usual)... emotional breakdowns from nearly all contestants...two wins by Bourdain fav ("Jack Russell terrier") Paul...and the departure of Michael "Like the Fish".

It was a great episode for some reflective humor. And no one snarks on food (including his own, I'm discovering) better than Bourdain.

Will he ever return????

[Greg Turner]

My pick for winner? JAG and Paul. The perfect odd couple, and the two did amazingly well in the last challenge. Paul could temper JAG's personality and make him much less scary for the house wives scared of a little ethnicity, and JAG's stint in the military would let bible belt America know that Paul's a-ok. It's like some perfect Frankenstein's monster of marketing, mastication and mayhem. We'll call it "Kicthen Circus."

Though "J-A-G's A-B-C's....of cooking!" would be SO much better.

[Claudia]

You're spot on, Greg - the unholy pairing of JAG and Paul is frankenperfect. If Jag is having a good, charming day, then Paul can focus on food, and if he's having a bad one, then Paul can do charm - and bolster Jag up. And you're right about the Bible Belt, etc. What will be interesting to see (and I can't believe I just said that) is what happens when they have to go head-to-head as individuals.

I'm predicting a total meltdown/beatdown for Amy soon, by the way. I think she's wound too tight and something or someone is just going to crush her under the wheel in a 70-car-pile-up-with-a-few-tanker-trucks-thrown-in kind of way. I dunno - just had a sudden vision her being emotionally splattered like a raspberry smoothie dropped from a 40th floor window . . .

[Claudia]

OK, so I called it partially correctly - Amy DID have a meltdown, and it would have gotten messier had the judges not given her a chance to reconsider being sent home - but she was ON THE EDGE. The fact that neither Rory or Adrien actually cooked anything in their cooking demo is the only thing that saved her, as the judges pointed out - "Let's hope someone is worse."

I'm still counting on a complete nervous breakdown for Amy.

[sandra]

did anyone have a point
i sure missed it

[Brycat]

Yes the point is this show is ridiculously stupid and just another example of the declining intellegence of those at the so called "creative" level of The Food Network"

[vic roman]

when he says daryl dawkins, does he mean chocolate thunder?

[Juliet]

As painful as it is for me to watch, I have kept up on the "Next Food Nework Star". I was pretty shocked when "JAG" was chosen as a finalist. But really can't beleive that he lied so much about his past! I didn't like him or his style of camera antics from the get-go, so I'm glad that he's off. Bobby Flay had it right when he commented (after a particularly dramatic and strange monolouge that "JAG" gave about his passion for food), "he's gonna win the Academy Award for best actor". This guy was a phony from the beginning. I truly hate the state of food television today. Where is the next Jacques Pepin?! Now that I would watch...

[Claudia]

What was even more amazing was Bobby's growing (and quite discernable) . . . distaste for JAG, as time went on. Just as well as JAG never picked up on THA, in between his emotional jags (no pun intended).

[Claudia]

"THAT", of course, is what I meant to type. Of course, I'm still stuck at work, and it smells like someone has got a porterhouse in one office, and satay in the other . . . it's killing me . . .

[Justine]

I really hope Amy doesn't win. She's a total snob and really has a hard time covering that up.

[claudias papi]

"Posted by: Claudia | July 16, 2007 at 07:34 PM

I really hope Amy doesn't win. She's a total snob and really has a hard time covering that up."

No, she's not snob: just confident and self assured in certain ways.

That she is, however, threatens you (and thus, your calling her something so original as a "snob.")

She can cook AND she's a MILF: look it up, Claud.

Rory has great cans, but Amy likes to taste.

[justines papi]

fuck, that post was meant for justine, not claudia.

my bad, claud.

and, fuck off, justine :)

[papi]

ruhlman, this layout sucks -- the poster's name should PRECEDE, and NOT follow, the body of the text!

[Claudia]

No offense taken, CP/JP - just leave my Papi out of it, next time.

[papi]

"No offense taken, CP/JP - just leave my Papi out of it, next time.

Posted by: Claudia | July 17, 2007 at 10:11 AM"

Thanks, Claud.

Does anyone here (also) think that, Flay doesn't like ANY male contestant, and is much gentler in critique and 'tude with the female contestants?

Giada, while she has fake-looking tits and a forehead the size of an A-Bomb's mushroom cloud, is at least equally hateful of all, and despises anyone who can't cook like either her or Batali.

Now, Susie Fogelsen?

Not only a bitch, a miserable looking and sounding one, at that, but she resembles a female (or is it, she male?) bi-racial version of Jon Bon Jovi.

Next year, I think FN should look for pre-ops' and transitionals', in order to expand their demographic.

Flay can cook, and he's made the most of every opportunity thrown his way, but the only guys he likes, would appear to be, those in his kitchen and his investment partners: very easily threatened, is this young man of great professional success.

Per Bourdain's comment about eating (chick peas?) out of Sandra Lee's ass, my money's down that, not only does she likes being rimmed, but Bourdain fantasizes about rimming her.

As for JAG, well, I think they kept him on for the following reasons:

-PC police out in full force @ FN and in general

-FN knew of his bullshit lies, but held back because ratings were higher whenever he was spotlighted or featured more heavily than the other contestants.

-FN knew JAG had already done himself in, and, in turn, knew it was a matter of time before he had no choice but to withdraw. By doing so, FN's hands are clean, since JAG committed these blunders, and FN comes off shiny and clean since they "stuck with the minority" (but also showed in their world that, they think they are right, because if they give minorities a fair chance, they do themselves in anyway, ala JAG.)

-Lastly, for now, Bourdain's rant agains FN and minorities is spot-on. However, there are no minority hosts on Travel Channel, either.

The greatest ironies being, the people, food and destinations are of the so called Third World: and all cooked and visited by whites from the West

Go figure.

[mel]

I met Amy this morning. She's not a snob, not even close to a snob. I got this super happy air about her and have a feeling she won. (She knows if she did or not b/c the finale was filmed Tuesday night).

[Wade Collins]

They call me tater salad- no it sounds like they should call you a jealous a-hole. What's your problem? Is it mental, personal or are you in need of an attitude adjustment? Guy and company are friends of mine, and I wonder why all the bitterness? Errr Loser.