TOP SECRET!

After the confusing, frighteningly eerie, Soviet style public "confession on NFNS last week, I put out feelers to sympathizers within The Organization. The following completely unverifiable document, alleged to be an internal memorandum from the Ministry of Information to the Central Committee, arrived anonymously immediately following last night's final episode:

"CLASSIFIED: NOT FOR DISSEMINATION! EYES ONLY!

"Citizen JAG did his duty, and 'repented' to Comrades Tuschman and Fogelson as arranged. His words, as written by this officer Ministry of Information, expressed appropriate regret--and most importantly, released the Central Committe from blame or liability for his Crimes. Comrade Tuschman's remarks concerning: "rumors swirling around" are to be commended for their deflection of further questions from the organs of the press. Citizen JAG's 'resignation' was accepted by the Comrades as agreed and he was--on recommendation from the Directorate of Propaganda--invited to join the Victorious Mayday Celebration at which time the "winner" was to be announced. Citizen Amy was returned from Re-Education Camp where she had been undergoing treatment for Anti-Party Utterances like "cocotte" and for suspicion of Foreign Influences.

During a film presentation to the audience, the lingering question of Citizen Rory's state of origin was neatly deflected--before it could become a problem. Agent Mark Somers, (Code Name: Unctuous Haircut) did a masterful job of keeping the Glorious Ceremonies moving. The former contestants were invited to return and to meet with the Old Comrades and to exchange expressions of Solidarity and Party Spirit before a compliant audience bussed in by our comrades at the Ministry of Transportation. (May I commend them on their work. They would laugh and cheer for a colostomy of requested to do so).

Old Comrade Flay made a serious slip at this time, making reference to the Group of Three who, he claimed, "started" the Network. To compound his Error, he made specific reference to Former Old Comrade Mario--whose photograph we had just succeeded in deleting from our literature and lobby mural. This smacks of Calumny Against The Brand, and the Glorification of the Individual vs. the State. Comrade Flay will be advised of his transgression in private session with the Security Directorate.

Old Comrade Lagasse did his Duty, making a personal appearance. His demeanor, while subdued, did not( as yet) reflect his disappointment with his change of time slot. Suggest an Award of some kind-perhaps at South Beach this year, commending him for his years of service--before retiring him.. This is a problem we have disussed at length with the Committee. Security Directorate, as you know, suggests a more..final approach. This Dept. would have to agree. The Old Comrade does not, as you know, fit in with our plans for the New Vanguard.

Nor does Citizen Amy.

Reeducation has its limits. And her French ways and lack of blondeness pose a serious problem in future. That the viewing audience was allowed to publicly rebuke the Committee by voting her the winner could have been embarrassing to the Maximum Leader--who Herself graciously consented to congratulate the victor. Fortunately, we followed the dictum that "When Confronted with a Steaming, Embarrassing Turd on the Floor, Cover It With Baloons." and it--once again, proved a successful strategy.

Sincerely,

Name Blacked Out Here

Deputy Director, Ministry of Information and Special Services

Food Network"

Comments

[Jim]

Brilliant!

[tess]

Where's Comrade Lee who's waiting in the wings to oust Glorious Leader Ray? Has she not positioned herself to become the Next Martha Stewart enough?

[Claudia]

I made my husband watch because it was so ghastly - he really enjoyed the trained seal clapping at the most banal statement. However, it did, indeed, reminded me of years of watching Communist propoganda (albeit Chinese, not Russian) - the Glorious Leader would make some kind of pronoucement, and a sea of pomaded apparatchniks set their overbites into rigor mortis rictuses of feigned and fearful approval. Oh, yes. The East was very Red, indeed, last night . . . !

[where was Amy's husband?]

One big question remains... After all the talk about the French husband, etc., where was he? Did they separate between filming and final episode? She didn't even say "I am sorry my husband couldn't be here with me tonight, but he is out of the country" or something.

It was very very odd.

[Art]

Ja Ja, Herr Kommissar! Whatever happened to schuperstah Falco anyway? Amy's show will bomb. The "finale" was slow-moving even with the fast-forward button pressed. Rory and her truly nice rack seems to be doomed to always a bridesmaid status.

Had they taken my advice, they'd have had a shot at a good finale AND a successful show.

Before announcing the "winner", they should have asked BOTH if they'd be willing to Co-Host a show together. Amy, of course, would have said "Yes". And then we'd see her nasty expression when it turned out she could have the whole enchillada herself.

Probably the best moment for BOTH of them was the Fort Dix skit. Together, they could probably pull of a half-way decent ODD COUPLE type show.

as

[wayne]

Moscow does not believe in tears.....

[Gregg R]

During last night's exhibition, I kept on expecting Ron Popeil to round a curtain and start selling veg-o-matics or pocket fishermen. The delivery by Mr. Double Dare, Marc Summers, was a fine example of infomercial hucksterism at its best/worst!
OMG and the audience. They should have been wearing drool bibs.
Does anyone else smell Emmy?

[david]

I had the good grace to tune in just in time to see the envelope opened and the winner announced. With the dropping of the balloons, I turned to my wife and said: "Well, we didn't sit through an hour of dreck to get to this, we get to see the winner crowned and keep our dinner in our stomach."

It will be interesting to see if her food show lasts more than 3 or 4 episodes.

[Eckhouse]

In Soviet Russia, contest winner chooses you.

[Kevin]

I propose an in-house Iron Chef round-robin -- Let Mario cook against Sandra Lee and the other bobble heads who have replaced him. There is only one reason why Rachel Ray won her Iron Chef battle, and we all know who he is.

[Adele]

I spent yesterday catching up on back NFNS episodes, thanks to Tony's "Rainbows and Unicorns" posting. I shudder to think of the number of brain cells I destroyed. Tony, you nailed the finale, although at the time I was watching it, all I could think was, "Paddy Chayesfky foresaw all of this in "Network."

[Ms.Anthrope]

Thanks to a Simpsons re-run, I only caught the last half hour.
Geez...I was expecting at the very least a mud wrestling bout between the two "finalists" (although a match between Paul and Adrian would have made for a well-rounded evening for me). I got the feeling they had blown the production budget early in the series and couldn't even afford the Stepford-Wife to color coordinate the set and produce an appropriate cocktail.

[FoodPuta]

Let us all rejoice the safety of the wall comrades!

[szg]

I think its odd that in the episode prior to the finale, when JAG criticizes the FN for their lack (or their need?) for more latin cooking, they rebuke him. But, as we now know, the show was filmed at least a few months ago, giving FN enough time to create a latin show and promote the hell out of it during the NFNS.

All well. Amy joins a long line of successful show winners that are no longer in the television biz.

[French Laundry at Home]

Sorry, I had to express my dog's anal glands last night. Did I miss anything?

[7cats]

During the NFNS finale it would have been fun to see Amy and Rory sing Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall." Ms. Ray could crank the meat grinder (she's got the right smile for the role) while the rest of the NFNS contestants march toward their grisly fate. "If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding!"

[Todd]

>> Whatever happened to schuperstah Falco anyway?

Died in a car accident.

Speaking of the envelope opening, Emeril was not looking healthy at all (puffy and shaking enough so Flay had to help him out).

[eat4fun]

"express my dog's... Did I miss anything?" Nope... the Finale's stink was far worse.

Was the show heavily edited? The cuts seemed so abrupt at times.

One thing that stuck out in my mind was Rory talking about cooking over wood, especially in Texas. There was a clip of her cooking over a bonfire. What the heck was she making smores? I thought when you cooked over wood, you let the wood burn down to a bit...

I find no interest in the "new" show. At least the previous two winners had some type of personality. Maybe crying is the new in-thing.

[Mary Hess]

I have to admit, I enjoyed seeing gummy Rory dispatched. She wasn't much of team player, now was she? Turning her back and weeping. Not party line. But with a little reeducation she can back up Sandra Lee -- hand her those jarred sauces, say -- for some viewers all that is required is a nice rack and flashing teeth. The hell with cuisine, right? But that could get ugly, as both ladies are obviously killers, unlike poor Amy, the "winner."

[Badger]

Code Name: Unctuous Haircut will be the name of my next album.

[Mike]

Thankfully the most interesting part of the show was what was going on in the background, as comrades Paul and Jag clearly seemed to be improving their own fraternal solidarity above and beyond what the Central Committee may have expected during the televised festivities.

[christina]

I, too, was laughing hysterically that the moment Rory lost,she instantly turned her back to the "audience" and remained as such through the closing credits. The whole show reminded me of a very badly executed high school play- especially the stage set and the host, just awful. My favorite moment was when a drugged-looking Emeril came out and immediately shook Amy's hand and said "congratulations" [which he did not say to Rory], moments before opening the envelope- and giving away the ending instantly. And the way they prominently displayed Jag in the front row with a white shirt on to insure EVERYONE saw how GRACIOUS they were in welcoming him back was so over the top it was crazy. The only thing they were missing was a giant Monty Python cardboard finger of God pointing down over him.

[Dan]

I agree with some of the comments, but I don't blame Rory one bit for turning her back and weeping. She lost to someone who was already sent home!!!!! Talk about a slap in the face. Instead of canning JAG, who probably was the best cook on the show, and giving the prize to Rory, they had to make the finale a 'competition'. So, bring back the loser from the previous episode. And then the loser wins it all!!! Don't worry, Rory will do fine. She has her own restaurant and a massive rack. Did anyone else notice her comment about being in a previous reality show??? Well, there's plenty of those around. Maybe she built her restaurant so she can be on Season 4 of Hell's Kitchen??

I admire the previous comment regarding the plugging of the new LATIN-influenced cooking show, Simply Double-D-liciouso. I don't care what she's cooking, I'm not a fan of anyone who snaps their fingers at me.

What was up with the canned-Emeril? I could do a better plug for the damn car then he did. He seemed so out-of-it like he was on "hour four" of a methadone binge.

Hopefully FN will buy Amy some dental work. That way she'll look good at 8am on Saturdays.

[Jonny Canuck]

The Canadian Government doesn't allow this type of propaganda on our airwaves. No Reservations makes it through though… thank God,

[REM]

I heard that the two finalists did one last cook-off at the South Beach Food and Wine Festival which was supposed to be aired last night, but that was before JAG "resigned" so they had to film this monstrosity in its place.

Dumbchillifying moments included Tusch's patronization of Patrick and the Brazilian woman with a weak "We know you're good", and trainwreck JAG giving America even more reasons to wonder why he was discharged from the Marines by keeping his hand a millisecond too long on Paul's knee.

At least my faith in God and Humanity has been restored in Amy's win. Proof that FN is underestimating its audience by quite a bit. Although it's probably a "be careful what you wish for" moment for her. I hope she can straddle the party line without either selling out or opting out. FN really needs someone like her.

[artnlit]

Alas, I missed this fine finale, for I was having phone sex. Oh wait, was that Vh1's Rock of Love? Or maybe not? Hmmm. Regardless, thank god this show has ended. Yes, it provided moments of fodder for we, the snark-hungry masses, but the DRAMA was oh too much. Now I ask you, my dear Tony, are you happy now that Amy has triumphed? You invested in her long ago...

[Clarkehead]

Can Emeril say anything on camera without reading it off a tele-prompter? His pointing and pauses were especially accentuated last night.

"And now . . . the moment you've all . . . . . . been waiting for . . . (ahem) . . . "

The only way he could have made it less watchable was if he said "Bam! Amy wins!"

[Eliza]

I have to agree that I thought the whole set-up reminded me of an infomercial with the staged clapping and cheering. It was weird and fake. Amy probably won't last any longer than the first 2 guys who won. But I'm glad the audience saw through Gums (who, I realized later, had already been on a reality show! What will she be on next -- Hogan Knows Best?)

[Art]

Пленник снял пока пытающся для того чтобы избеубежать. That's "prisoner shot while trying to escape" for those of you who don't speak Russian. Thanks for the Falco update, Todd.

Falco was sort of the 80s music version of Anthony Bourdain for those unfamiliar with the name.

[szg]

I just finished reading Heat by Bill Buford, so as I watched Emeril I just kept wondering if he was recovering from a bender with Batali.

[Natalie Sztern]

Johnny Canuck, don't be so excited, it starts here next week! We buy it at discounted prices...

[Claudia]

Falco, the "80s music version of Bourdain"? Ouch. Falco was a 1 1/2 hit wonder - Der Kommissar became a hit only after it was covered by others, and Rock Me Amadeus was . . . oh, God. Do we even have to contemplate THAT one?

So Amy and Gummy Bear or Gummy Bear and JAG were in a final cook-off at SOBE? And that episode was mysteriously "disappeared"? Which begs the question - was Tony, by chance, lurking out of frame anywhere? The Central Committee obviously struck harder with that stunt, even before last night's Toe the Party Line/Snake Oil Fest.

And of course Emeril was heavily drugged. Don't the do that to all snuff film victims before they start rolling?

[t-scape]

>>I think its odd that in the episode prior to the finale, when JAG criticizes the FN for their lack (or their need?) for more latin cooking, they rebuke him. <<

Yes, they rebuked him for being *right*. "No, as of filming, we don't have anything remotely resembling a latin food show. You noticed the lack of such a show and suggested you might be able to fill that gap, but we don't like your implications mister. You know, implying something that's true - that's just unacceptable."

I got the feeling Susie thought that JAG was accusing them of being racists or something - which I don't think he did at all.

And I am pretty sure that even after that Simply Delicioso show airs, we'll *still* be able to say that the FN doesn't have a show about latin food. I wonder if, after Amy's "cocotte" debacle, the host of that show won't be able to say "sofrito" or "mofongo". Or is Spanish not as intimidating as French?

[the dog]

Wait, did someone win??? Damn, must have missed it while I was waiting for Jag to make his move on Paul from the constant upper thigh massaging to a full on make-out session.

[livetotravel]

Monsieur Bourdain - funny as hell post - please don't stop. I have never felt worse winning a bet - but I'd rather have Amy then another blond. And too bad Jag lied twice - just once might have spared him - 'cause FN is in dire need of diversity.

[Joe]

Thanks for the interesting posts.

I was wondering what the heck happened that they had that show on last night. But, I'm really glad Amy won. Anyone who adopts military acronyms for their name ain't right in the head and the only thing Rory had is a rack.

Praying that Amy bumps Guy off the network. (God knows why that bonehead ever won.)

[cafelady]

I agree, Rory should have been the winner as soon as JAG exited stage left. How can you bring back a loser and then make her a winner. If Amy deserved to win she shouldn't have been sent home to begin with. Amy may be the better cook but you can't beat Rory's cleavage. Don't worry Rory, with your talent and looks, you'll do fine.

[Kendall]

Holy shit, I just discovered this blog today.
Funny, funny stuff. I might make this my home page.

[t-scape]

Rory's chest sure is getting noticed. I think the next FN show should be called Rory's Rack, where she does all her cooking with her breasts. It would be a runaway hit.

[chefwannab]

It's not likely I will watch Amy any more than I would have watched Rory, but I do watch a scant few of the good programs that are left on FN (Good Eats, Iron Chef, and reruns of Mario), and I couldn't bear the thought of even seeing the advertisements for yet another kitschy, semi-cooking show by a blond bimbo (and her gums!), so I kind of hoped Amy would win. The fact that Rory was on another reality show and was exaggerating this whole "I'm from Texas/home on the range" image just proves that her real talent lies in reality TV, not food.

I can see why FN probably didn't want Amy though; she's kind of a cross between Barefoot Contessa (who does simple recipes you can do at home, often with a French influence - SHE uses French words all the time, by the way), and that scary, saucer-eyed, stringy-haired Robin Miller who shows you how to cook meals for yourself and the kiddos. Not that different, but hey, that's what the people wanted, right?

And the reason they kept putting JAG through, in spite of his many disasters in terms of PR and presentation/camera presence, I'm convinced is because of the Latin twist that they were lacking; that is, before they hurriedly contracted Ingrid Hoffman once they realized JAG had lied and they wouldn't be getting their Latino golden boy. So I bet the FN execs are kicking themselves all the way around on this one. They should have let Paul through!!!!

Oh well, I am watching more and more food shows on PBS and less and less on FN anyway....

[AJ]

In line with Christina's post, and Emeril's jumping the gun with the congrats, I noticed that several times during the episode prior to the end, Amy kept mentioning that she was getting her own food show (i.e. when someone recognized her in the market as she was buying gummi bears and she thought to herself how she was getting her own food show). I wonder if they just told her or if Rory knew as well? Anyway, the series had some entertaining moments and I'm glad Amy won.

[gorlat]

Why does Amy live on a compound? Does is have anything to do with her husband being Algerian?

[Julie]

So, true, Mr. Bourdain. Democracy can bring better results than one party rule, even on television. Viewers chose as a way of saying they're tired of the boobification (in more ways than one) of FN.

Bob and Suzy clearly wanted Rory (in the hope of cloning Rachael). But viewers wanted something NEW and DIFFERENT (possibly involving "Real cooking" for real people!) Is that really too much to ask?

Amy has ability and I think she'll wear well (unlike Ray). I hope they'll "Let Amy be Amy"--and not try and make her into what they (wrongly) think "America" wants.

[julie]

ETA: That was fresh, funny and..well, true.There does seem to be a group think among the FN brass, (but you said it better).

Thanks to both of you for the blog--definitely added to the enjoyment!

[potty mouth princess]

w/r/t Ingrid Hoffmann's show, it was in the works long before the JAG story broke in late June. Her show was being pimped throughout the entire run of TNFNS.

Damn pesky democratic processes...give Gum-O her own show after Amy's six episodes have run their natural course to a natural, quiet death. Hell, even the Hearty Boys lasted two seasons.

Sadly, it's the loudmouthed Guy Fietttttti that Tush and Suze seem to think their audience want to see. Move over Trotsky, Lenin is in da hizzzzouse.

[Stephen]

a saw buck says Tony is one of the "guest judges" on the very first episode.

[mercedes]

Awww. Poor Rory. Virtually guaranteed of a win once JAG stepped down, she's cut at the last minute. Boobs and hyena teeth are not enough to win. (C'mon - she had the backing of the perky Ms. Ray, too)

Awww. Poor Bob and Susie. They're recovering from the embarassment of America collectively holding up it's middle finger to them, and saying: "Look, you patronising bastards, just because I'm a home cook/foodie doesn't mean I won't be able to understand or comprehend French. Bastards."

Awwww. Poor Amy. I look forward to seeing if she can escape her FN captors, and spread a little intelligence on the airways. But I'm not getting up at 9AM on Sunday mornings to watch it.

Awww. Poor me. I wasted an hour of my life last night watching that dreck. I should have tuned in at 9:55 - I would have felt so much cleaner. Ick.

[WHT]

Sorry to say that Falco died in a car crash some time ago.

[FoodPuta]

Ok, just got a scoop! While I was over at my local crack dealer, I met Tuschman while he was stocking up for the week, and he let me in on some of the FN upcoming plans. Seems the new additions to the FN (Amy Finley and Michael Ruhlman) are working together on co-authoring a new book "Les Halles Uncovered". During short lucid moments of our conversation, Tuschman, described this project as and in-depth study of this once famous and renowned NYC restaurant. Moments before his last hit off the crack-pipe, Tuschman drooled out the words.....Bourdain...Fu...at...

Just thought I would share!!

[Gene in Pensacola]

As others have mentioned in detail, so much of last night's episode were transparent as to who would win that the announcement was anti-climatic. Heck, right now I am having more fun and intrigue re-watching a re-run of Tony B. having "No Reservations" in Russia! Thanks for the post Tony, you and Ruhlman ROCK!

[Lisse]

It's Tony's fault that I watched this fool thing in the first place. Or at least that's what I am telling myself. That had to be the lamest finale to a show that I have ever seen. Still, I am satisfied with the outcome, whether or not I ever watch her program. Whoever compared her to Ina Garten, nailed why she was so much more likeable than anyone else except Paul. JAG was kept around strictly to create tension. The manipulation of reality shows is really starting to get annoying - kinda like Marcel.

Anyway, on to more important things - - Congrats on your daughter!

[Samantha]

That finale completely and totally sucked. The entire season ended up being a supreme fiasco. I would have rather they kept JAG in, aired the cook-off and chose Rory just because she didn't lie on her application. And I've wanted Amy to win ever since Paul left.

After watching Cliff hold Marcel down in season two of Top Chef, I was certain that would be the all-time low of food reality TV. Leave it to FN to take it to the next (lower) level.

I think of all the contestants, Amy was the one who wanted her own show the least because it would take her away from home and away from her kids. Am I the only one who thinks she was relieved to be sent home when it was announced that Rory and JAG would be the final two?

I am frankly just disgusted by the entire thing. I think I should apply for season three with an "It's Better With Butter and Betty Crocker!!" culinary point of view. They would probably crown me the winner and not even bother having a third season. Tuschman and Fogelson should be horribly ashamed of themselves for underestimating their viewers. Well, how were they to know the viewers could handle fancy-schmancy? Hell, I would have voted for Sanjaya.

I really do think that they were trying to cram JAG down our throats because they liked his ethnicity. "JAG, your food bites. But we're sending someone else home." "JAG, you freak out for no reason and have a mean demeanor. But we're sending someone else home." "JAG, you totally sucked during the Iron Chef challenge, but Paul said 'Plummy' so we're sending him home." "JAG, you humiliated us on national radio, but you're in the finale!" "JAG, you lied about your training and your military service, but we're STILL not going to send you home. We will let you bow out 'gracefully'." Barf-O-Rama. That he was even there last night, not to mention allowed to practically fornicate with poor Paul, was a travesty in and of itself.

I am still sad it's over because I'm going to miss Bourdain's TNFNS blogs! Bourdain, you need to usurp Tom's Top Chef blog permanently!

[Chris]

Boy, I can't wait to see Amy's show ... let's see, it should probably be on at 2:30pm on wednesdays for a season or two, and then it'll disappear and never be heard from again. But that's okay, I'm sure FN will have their Next Food Network Star show winner ready to trot out ...

[Patrick]

Brilliant post; no mention of Comrade Alton Brown. Was he being 'observed' by Ministry of Dee-Lissh EVOO Yummo? Is he being 'held'? Maybe he's being sized up for a holiday show with Lady Comrade Lee?

Nothing like making HK look professional and high minded by comparison.

[Girl Sleuth]

Rory was on the 2005 CMT reality show, "Popularity Contest." It was, as she said, a show about some city slickers going to live in small-town Texas - in this case, Vega - where she returned after the show to be with new boyfriend, Klay.

Amy's husband is from California and a software engineer. They met in Paris but she did not attend cooking school there until later.

Oh, the reality show Rory was on? She came in second.

[Claudia]

Come to think of it, Amy seemed very calm throughout that last hour of total TV dreckness, and pretty flat when her name was announced as the winner. Was it just because she got tipped off by Emeril's thorazine-laced premature "congrats", or did she already KNOW? Had the Politburo taken her aside and told her, "Yes, Comrade, you are the next food celeb to make glorious revolution for Network"? Did Ray-Ray jump her in the girls' loo and tip her off? Conspiracy theories, please . . .

[Camusman]

MEMO
From: Maximum Leader
To: Minister of Legalities

Please see that M. Bourdain's contract for "The Next Iron Chef" conveniently gets lost in the mail.

[Pat]

Does anyone really remember who started Food Network? Robin Leach and "Killer Kate", David Rosengarten and old Julia Child reruns. Donna Hannower (former Mrs. Giuliani). Real cooking shows that did not dumb stuff down and were really helpful and interesting. FN is owned by the same people who own FINE LIVING and is really a "lifestyle" network, not a food network. UNWRAPPED!!!!!!!! Dreck, dreck and more dreck.

[Joe]

I'm wouldn't be too hard on the food network. Yes, they try to keep it simple for their audience and they are not too serious, but in general I think the programing is pretty good. Alton Brown is one of my favorites and I will watch any show he hosts, I also like "The Ace of Cakes" and the Iron Chef series. I really miss the Japanese versions.

I own some really good books on cooking and use those when I want to be serious. TV, imho, is all about fun.

[cafelady]

Any publicly admitted that she wanted to go home and didn't appear at all upset when they sent her home. Yet they not only call her back but give her the show. She needs a nice local show where she can be with her family. Rory or Paul were perfect for the job which of course is probably why the didn't get it. Remember it only matters how well you come across on TV, not whether or not you can cook.

Is Emeril ready for rehab or what?

[Tags]

Alles klar, Herr Kafkaczar?

Franz vould be so proud!

[janine]

WOW!!! i thought i must've been drunk or insane after watching the season finale...and anthony, bad boy that you are...you need a spanking...

[artnlit]

Janine spoke "...and anthony, bad boy that you are...you need a spanking"

Actually, he's needed a spanking for a long time now, but that's another story. LOL!

Isn't it interesting too that Tony makes the Russian reference the day before his No Reservations Russia rerun? Perhaps he would have the FN heads be given the "treatment" as seen in that show??

As for Amy, well, we'll see how well she tows the party line, or later becomes the revolutionary. The latter seems less likely though. Guy supposedly is this way but really is the 'manufactured' (by himself) bad boy with a longer leash.

[elizabeth]

Tony--

Excellent blog post on what was a clusterf*** of a series--Alton Brown should jump ship to Fine Living and be paired up with the Molto Mario reruns.

Just caught your Seattle No Reservations episode and I wanted to say how much I enjoyed it--naturally you saved the best for last, as it was a real treat to be able to see Mr. Batali's family restaurant. Looking forward to the new season!

[artnlit]

I just watched the conclusion (it's on the FN website for you masochists!) and it is blatantly obvious that something was up. If you watch closely, you'll notice that Rory is barely holding back tears as she and Amy wait for the announcement. Her expression is not one of fear/anticipation, but rather, one that says she knew the outcome, yet had to be oh so gracious and take it yet again. She basically was screwed when JAG left and Amy returned; you can see the "oh sh*t" expression even then. Amy herself did not help matters. You'd think, after all the TOIL and TRIBULATIONS, that she would be a little more enthusiastic about winning. Please. Pass out the mind-controlling, intelligence-numbing medicine to the viewers prior to the next series!

[t-scape]

>>Just caught your Seattle No Reservations episode <<

That was a PNW episode - not just Seattle, since the entire first half was Portland ;)

Defending Portland's honor,

t-scape

[Sorcha]

Stumptown represent!

[Josh Ambrose]

I'm close to Amy's family and they told me about taping the finale. Very lame. They stopped the voting on Tuesday, then went to tape. Instead of revealing the winner (the voting had stopped that morning), they taped TWO ENDINGS: One where Amy won, one where Rory won. Hence, the complete lack of interest or enthusiasm or emotion or anything resembling non-automaton behavior. They filled the 25-seat studio with friends and family of all the finalists. Just very poorly done.

Considering the personal cost (her husband is a non-supportive nutjob who hounded her and the producers through the entire thing... Amy originally said no to coming back to try and save her marriage), I can't imagine how this is going to play out for her. She has the chops and the personality to really make it work. She was on The View and looked like she was going to be good.

But time will tell.

[cafelady]

Thanks for the inside info Josh, I can't believe they did that! How cruel for both of them. I hope Amy's show is a smash.

[Victor]

Let's face it, The Machine is broken.

What is the Food Network now if not one big promotional mechanism that oscillates from cleverly disguised travel show to cleverly disquised gadget and food infomercial and back?

We the public aren't privy to what goes on at FN's offices to know the fates of those who built the network with the Hannovers, Rosengartens, and Biggers. Let alone those who actually discovered and developed the bona fide stars like Lagasse, Batali, Moulton, and Garten et al. So we don't know when the ad men took over and started telling us and their stars what we should like.

Why dumb it down ALL the time? I don't always want a Velveeta nacho casserole. How dare the FN have a problem with French terms and the food. Any culinary student (attended, graduated, or otherwise) or anyone remotely involved with food, or anyone with a pulse at least knows of the significance of French cuisine in Western food. Nowadays the ad men call Spain "the new France" and cite Ferran Adria's culinary laboratory as the locus for innovation in that country, but the fact is that whatever's being "discovered" in regards to Spain's cuisine doesn't really involve any recent innovations in Spain, but rather that our lazy xenophobic American asses are finally looking past the fast food chihuaua and the chain of margarita nacho bars to actually bother to learn about and include these centuries-old culinary traditions among the American culinary mosaic.

Or perhaps the American culinary mosaic only has space for one tile right now, and French cuisine has to go to make room for Spain. Just what triggered the anti-French sentiment may never come out, but Alton Brown clearly subscribes to it by the way he sneeringly pronounces French terms and chefs' names on that pathetic trainwreck of a product-placement show of his that jumped the shark two seasons ago. (The only uni-tasker in his kitchen is his product pimp. I hear fire extinguishers make good paperweights.)And clearly he seems to be following orders on his own show, because he's all "Johnny Encyclopedia" again when he's on US Iron Chef. Say it isn't so, AB. Say it isn't so.

So here come the Spanish. Or should I say Latino? Either way, Jag-off and Ingrid were more than likely concurrent contingency plans for a show that Das FN was looking for. Hence the return of the "Sofrito!" battle cry from that Latina contestant from a previous season of TNFNS through Jag-off. All of a sudden "Fusione" started popping up in the discussions. And good for Latino cuisine. We should have more. Latinos are the majority minority here in the States, so why not have a showcase for it on FN? But are you really telling me that ALL Latino cuisine from all those countries hinges on ONE blend of spices? You sure it isn't Goya Adobo?

When I think of the names of all the Latin cooks out there who've appeared on various food programs, the natural choice is "Ingrid Hoffman". It simply oozes Latin like the ink on a German passport when it first relocates to a humid rainforest. Judas Priest, what's her lead-off dish, Arroz-con-Poland?!

I have to thank the previous poster who commented on how he did not like being snapped at. I thought I was weird for wanting to smack my TV after FN started airing the "Simply Delicioso" commercials that included that extra millisecond of footage. And I think they know at FN, too. Hence that quick mid-finger-snap cut to a side view by the shows' editors. I thank the FN for that, because if I'd sat through her show and experienced that, I probably would've broken my TV and needed to get a new one. Or maybe that was the plan to begin with.

[Claudia]

Wow, Josh, then Amy's marriage will go belly-up if she actually starts production on her show, if she hasn't got a TRO against her hubby by now. But that's OK, I guess - hubby will get booted out of the family compound, and there are plenty of people around to help raise the kiddies. I hope she is a hit, too, considering what success is about to cost her.

Hey, Amy - we have bitchin' Montessori programs here in NYC, too, you know, if you want to move the kiddies out here! Bobby Flay's got a toddler - he'll know how to get your kids into Little Red School House in the Village, or Dalton later on, if they need it. (Tony, have you got Ariane signed up for pre-pre-K yet? Those prestigious private schools fill up fast!)

[christina]

Victor is dead-on right, in my opinion. And I'd like to add that when I hear a sunny, smiley voice in ANY show promo/ad announcing the words QUICK, EASY, FAST, or SIMPLE, it makes me NOT want to watch the show. Don't they get it? That's NOT why I cook- I ACTUALLY LIKE THE PROCESS. You would think someone at FN would make the giant leap in thought and realize that people watching shows centered around cooking may actually want to experience doing it and get something from of it... I LIKE chopping carrots, I LIKE browning things- hell, I even like doing the dishes when I'm done. I just like being in the kitchen. I guess at FN that would brand me some kind of hideous freak.

[Joe]

On the Food Network, Emeril is rubbing the bologna...right now!!!

They made him do a cheap and easy show.

[launfall]

Sorry but Josh's post makes no sense. They would of had to tape three endings and the one we saw was the true one. Why on earth would they use that pitiful ending if it wasn't spontaneous. It makes FN look ridiculous. I do think it might have been taped not live since another contestant stated they were brought in the week before to "tape" the show. Rory just isn't that good an actress to have been faking that display of emotions in a pretend ending.

I also think the person that thinks Emeril only congratulated and shook Amy's hand when he came on set might want to review the tape. He actually shakes Amy's hand and says congratulations and then shakes Rory's hand. He then says I want to congratulate Amy and Rory. It didn't seem like he was only just congratulating Amy but just grabbed her hand first when he started the hand shaking routine.

The entire final was a fiasco and made everyone look bad. Winner, loser, FN execs. and even other contestants. The only possible exception was Bobby Flay he came out relatively unharmed from this bomb.

[Tyler Durden]

>> They would of had to tape three endings and the one we saw was the true one. > The only possible exception was Bobby Flay he came out relatively unharmed from this bomb. <<

Except for the bad hair plugs/blowover. What the hell was that?

[Fish]

Cornnuts, Mistletoe anyone? Bravo!!

[fuck you]

Damn, and with the proceeds, Rory could probably get those damned gums fixed, too...

IT"S SO UNFAIR!!1

[t-scape]

I just want to mention that some of us latinos have names that are not in Spanish. I'm not expecting great things out of Simply Delicioso, but as a born & raised Puerto Rican whose name is in English, I can't dismiss the show because the host's name is Ingrid Hoffman.

[paul]

Maybe Bourdain should reach out to Amy and Rory and have them each co-host one of his episodes. He could do his own mini "Next Food Network Star". I think it would be hilarious and imagine the ratings.

[anonyguy]

Victor: overwrite much?

You may not know when "the ad men took over" but in fact, it's no secret. Search the archives of the New Yorker and you'll find a quite long, quite detailed accounting of the history of Food Network. The property has passed through several media stewards since its inception, including some who quite intentionally turned its direction into where it stands today. FN hasn't changed by accident, or by carelessness, but by design.

The current state of FN is, as many of us on this blog will agree, the lesser of its past incarnations. But it's also the more profitable. Such is life. Go cook something wonderful.

[BonBon]

Aww come on. Amy is a ball buster, not some sweet little "gourmet next door". Her kids last name is Finley. She didn't even use the fathers name. And they continue to live on her family compound? March and step.

[The Purple Afghani]

My greatest wish is that FN one day becomes like HBO -- no commercials, you have an opt-in subscription and the programming evolves into something more soulful, smart and enjoyable to watch and learn from.

Fat chance.

But doesn't HBO pull in the profits for its shareholders while producing series that are intelligent and massively appealing?

'The Sopranos' is just one example.

I think those two Kiwi musician dudes from HBO's 'Flight of the Conchords,' Bret and Germaine, would be hilarious in the kitchen. I can imagine some swanky R&B cooking song like, "Truffle Lovin'."

At this point in time, FN would not put sensitive Kiwi rocker guys in the kitchen. In fact, there are no musical cooking shows! It's way too out-of-the-mold for FN. The closest thing is the band on 'Emeril' or rocker Duff from 'Ace,' but he's still not on the fringe of cool like Bret and Germaine, man.

Bourdain should tour New Zealand with them on 'No Reservations.' They'd be a hoot to hang with.

[Victor]

Anonyguy: The wait on the line at Wal-Mart must have been really long to give you the time to reply with that HACKNEYED Chandler Bing-ism. And as for the "it's all about the profit" observation, well consider my eyes opened.

"Such is life"? Not if we all have something to say about it. And that's what FN should be worried about if not considerate of. Thank-you for the referral to the New Yorker's coverage of FN's management. Amazing what you can read up on while waiting on line.

I'd love to go cook something wonderful, but all I've got from FN are Baloney Alfredo recipes YOU'D settle for.

In the meantime go ahead and git'r'done, Anonyguy. Git'r'done indeed.

[The Purple Afghani]

Victor -- I admire your passion for food, but go grab a doob and cool out. :)

[Victor]

Purple Afghani,

Maybe you're right. Ironic, isn't it, that FN's what I'd watch if I did blaze up?

Taking a chill now.

[Gina Edwards]

Well, maybe when this next generation grows-up, graduates from culinary school, and then demands better programming, we'll get changes at FN (however ironically and inadvertently it happens):

http://www.gazette.com/articles/food_25199___article.html/program_network.html

[Ms.Anthrope]

"I think those two Kiwi musician dudes from HBO's 'Flight of the Conchords,' Bret and Germaine, would be hilarious in the kitchen. I can imagine some swanky R&B cooking song like, "Truffle Lovin'."

Why does the opening theme to Cop Rock pop into my head as I am reading that?

[Al]

I wanted to puke over the completely insincere look on Jag's face as he apologized for misrepresenting himself. The entire episode was contrived and sickening. After singing Amy's praises for her consistently good food and good commentary on radio & in the Iron Chef challenge, she gets the boot.

Boy am I ever glad I'm not the only one that's so disenfranchised with FN. My God, even AB has lost favor with me. His slight food-snobbery (or anti-snobbery as it were) was endearing but has seemed more and more like the guy things he's better than everyone else, especially in his appearance on NFNS.

Always liked Bobby Flay pretty well, but this Throwdown business just gets under my skin. I mean really - an Iron Chef and his team, coached by the nation's highest esteemed expert in a particular dish (donuts comes to mind) challenges an unsuspecting small business owner. PLEASE!!!

Or...wait...a 2-HOUR-LONG infomercial on Haagen-Daaz's newest ice cream flavor.

And do I really have to say anything about Sandra Lee or Unwrapped? I think not.

Even the Food Network Challenges that were once interesting because they were a novelty are, in the words of several other posters, "dreck."

Not to sound like this is only sour grapes, I still tune in occasionally for Ina Garten, Sara Moulton & a couple other real cooks. Would watch Gale Gand too if it weren't on in the middle of the night.

Interested to see how Amy's show turns out, what time slot they put it in, and how long it lasts.

[Deborah Dowd]

Depending on what you were expecting, this finale was really lame! Of the two, I liked Amy better, but I can see that Rory might feel "cheated" given Amy had already been eliminated. However, I sure this is like American Idol- this kind of exposure (cooking and cleavage) will certainly help her career in food!

[The Purple Afghani]

Ms. Anthrope: 'Cop Rock'??

IMDb says that was possibly the shortest-lived series on network television.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098772/plotsummary

Never saw it, but it sounds hilariously lame.

[ntsc]

I think Cop Rock lasted longer than either the Emril sit-com or the Kitchen Confidential one.

In any case there have been any number of shows that never made it past the first episode.

[Don Luis]

@t-scape: my thoughts exactly. I'm not latino (why Italians are not considered latin escapes me), but I live in Puerto Rico. I'm watching Michele Bernstein as I write this, and if she's not latina, I don't know who is. She's a great chef.

Ingrid Hoffman is, unfortunately, the latina RR.

[Frances]

I'd like to say thanks to Anthony for making me laugh. It wasn't the first time and it won't be the last.

[t-scape]

Don Luis - The gist of it is that Italians are "latin", and "latin" is separate from "latino". It's a big ol' mess. Not to be gauche by mentioning my own blog on someone else's blog (sorry, Michael), but I wrote a bit about it recently: http://blogrican.blogspot.com/2007/07/identify-yourself.html

And I'm jealous that you're living in PR! I'm going back in September to get my mofongo and lechón fix ;)

[Josh Ambrose]

>>

They taped this after they axed Jag and brought Amy back. One ending was Amy wins, the other Rory wins.

Semantics, really, over a show that was a horrible way to end that series. I didn't think the series was bad. Amy is a rather passive-aggressive person. Her meltdown where she wanted to leave but decided to stay because they liked her? Made me want to wretch. But all the personal stuff (she and husband are back together... I think... he decided to hitch on the "gravy train" -- yeah, right.) made me pull for her nonetheless. She was the best cook on there, in terms of having something original to say. And, aside from Paula Deen and the occasional Giada episode (who proved herself a TOTAL bitch on this series... not to mention Alton Brown looking like he wanted to kill himself), there's not much worth watching on FN anymore, anyway.

Hopefully, they'll let Amy do something interesting. If not, she got a car and a lot more chances for marriage counseling.

[christina]

I kind of enjoy MOST the bits where Giada is coming across as a total bitch and Alton is looking like he wants to kill himself.....it's their payup in the Faustian bargain they made for being on FN in the first place. A lot of people have commented lately that AB is coming across as increasingly condescending and bitter- but give the guy a break, I would have a very hard time holding my resentment in if I was forced to participate in ANYTHING featuring other FN "talent" and brass. Especially if you have a brain cell rolling around in your head. I'm sure that he just wanted to go back to GA, where he is based, and pretend he wasn't chained to this succubus. I like Alton. And BTW, how does Ina escape 100% of this? Is her show just purchased ouright and that is as far as it goes? She may be on to something.

[julie]

Just to add...I don't believe the post about "two endings" at all. Amy's modest surprise made sense--as did Rory's poor sportsmanship--if one had seen how they acted all along.

I think Amy has the skills and personality to do a very good cooking show--if FN will let her. (Think of what FN would do today with Julia--IF she was even deemed photogenic enough to have a FN show in the first place).

P.S. to Al. You nailed the description of "Throwdown"! Also just because the unsuspecting challenger usually wins doesn't change the assiness of the concept. (Plus, Flay always blindsides them in front of his/her most ardent fans, friends, co-workers and supporters on a "happy" day when they are "getting featured for their skills on FN").

Flay comes across very well in that show--but only if one doesn't look too closely at the basic premise (which was Bobby's idea). It's entertaining, and probably good PR for Bobby and most of the challengers in the long run--but...not really very fair or even very nice.

[ntsc]

I have no personal knowledge of two endings or not, although I will ask around, however that isn't uncommon where you have a long time between filming (actually hard disc mostly anymore) and results.

It can be done so that nobody, including the judges has a clue until right before air, which precludes anybody letting leak "I won" or who on a soap is going to die.

[Terry]

The whole finale was fishy. I along with several of my friends attempted to vote for Rory shortly after the show aired. Anytime we tried to vote we got rejected with some weird Oops...Try Again...Vote for A or B and stay tuned to see who will be the Next Food Network Star. This went on for a minimum of an hour after the show aired and then we just gave up. I personally think the entire thing was fixed.

I rewatched the "finale" again and I would put every last dime I have on the fact that Amy knew she won prior to the announcement. Call me a conspiracy theorist but if you put the following together it seems as if the whole finale was a ruse:

Amy was eliminated and appeared to be relieved that she was eliminated.

JAG is "outed" in a Military Times story in early June about embellishing his resume. Food Network claims to have no knowledge of such and offers no statements to the media.

JAG "resigns" and reads one of the worst scripted I'm sorries in the history of television.

Amy is brought back as one of the two finalists(at least 5 months after the taping).

The original final challenge is "Meet the Press". According to various reports this was taped sometime in January or February and results in Amy being eliminated. In this challenge, Amy, JAG and Rory each provide a cooking demo on Rachael Ray. The unedited version aired on Friday July 13 on ABC. The unedited version shows Amy and JAG each screwing up. Additionally, Amy reverts back to her the world is France, I am France, Viva La Paris routine.

On Sunday July 15, the Food Network "version" of the Rachael Ray show is aired. The FN version (surprise, surprise) edits out all Amy screw ups and most of her references to France.

On the original July 15 episode, Amy is eliminated by the judges. She must have been eliminated for a reason. That reason I will never know because the show I watched on July 15 provided no rationale as to why Amy was eliminated in the first place. The episode I watched was almost nonsensical.

It was as if the powers that be at the FN had this dialogue. "Oh Shit, Amy was eliminated, Crap, JAG lied, How do we fix this? OK, legal what do we do? GET JAG IN HERE NOW. JAG Read this statement....NO?...JAG WE SAID READ THIS STATEMENT!...Look you little shit...

Bob, that wasn't nice...JAG, if you promise to read this little statement we promise to bring you back...Well we can't put it in writing but we are good guys...We promise once things die down you will have your own show...I don't know six months, seven tops...We promise...Cross our heart and hope to die...Bobby, Bobby get in here...Bobby you'll give JAG a job at one of your restaurants right?...See JAG it is all going to work out...Now sign this little paper here...Lawyers, what lawyers...you don't need a lawyer to review this...Be a good boy, sign the paper and read your little statement and all will be ok.

OK JAG get the hell out now....Yes you can come for the final show...Will someone please get him the hell out of here?...Post Production get in here. I don't give a shit that the episodes have been cut. Redo them. I don't care, I said recut them. DO YOU HEAR ME RECUT THE GODDAM EPISODES. No one will notice we sent Amy home. Make her look good. Cut out all criticisms. Let's make pretend it never happened. THAT IS WHAT EDITING IS FOR. Make her look good...REAL GOOD.... Rory, who cares about Rory. OK fine tell her if she behaves maybe one day we will give her and JAG a show together. Tell her Bobby will give her a job in one of his other restaurants. Yes she will believe us...she's blonde remember. JUST GET IT DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Now after the little FN dialogue I think the powers that be forgot one little detail...the final vote. Whether intentional or not (or in their quest for additional drama), the idiots at the FN gave incorrect voting instructions at the end of the show.

The jaded part of me imagines the dialogue at the FN being something similar to this:

"OH SHIT....We forgot...we actually have to make pretend like a vote is going to take place...quick...give ten seconds of how to vote...Hopefully the viewers will miss it...Believe me we can give the info...its not going to make a difference....trust me...I SAID TRUST ME...You want to know why?... Are you sure?...OK fine but if you get deposed don't come crying to me...we gave the wrong information on how to vote for Rory...Look the decision already has been made...We promised Amy she would win...What do you mean what?...How the hell else we were going to get her back?...Look, what's done is done...we got the numbers we needed for our advertisers...We have our new Latina host and we are already advertising for season 4 of FN Star...Noone's even going to remember this chick's show...We'll bury it and this whole thing will go away...Come on, viewers are stupid no one will ever remember...

[sjs1959]

AS for AB, he apparently makes little or nothing off Good Eats because of the 7-year deal he signed in the beginning, and which ends at the end of this calendar year.

I'm betting he cuts a better deal with PBS (more visibility) and tells FN sayonara....